Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy

By Anne Weinberg

The divorce rate in Japan is quite low, I’m told. That tidbit of information conjures up lovely images of fidelity, trust and respect in one of the world’s most revered and common social institutions — marriage.

So upon my arrival in Tokyo a few months ago, I reveled in the idea of finding my soul mate, a man who would be devoted to me and our future family. Being a bit older and with a built-in family of my own, I thought that I might be lucky enough to be “the one” for an available, dedicated, and loyal man. I’m petite, professional, outgoing and American. It shouldn’t be that hard, right?

Due to the nature of my career, my workplace is not an appropriate place to meet a potential partner, nor do I really like the bar scene. In America, I had success using the internet, so I went for it — Craigslist Tokyo, Gaijinpot, Flirtbox, etc. The contacts flooded in, and in a few short days, I had a plethora of potential suitors. They were young and old, short and tall, skinny and full-bodied, Japanese and international — a fabulous salve for anyone needing an ego boost. Dozens of emails and phone calls later, I whittled the list down to a handful of gentlemen that I wanted to meet in person.

Date one: Kubo, a sexy Japanese man, raised in Brazil and Australia. We hit it off fabulously — chemistry on all levels. I was looking forward to more, until, on our second date, I also learned about his wife. Yeah, I don’t swing that way. Sayonara, Kubo.

Back to my list. I charged forward with date No. 2. This man was older, established (i.e., has cash), and took charge of planning the entire evening. “OK, this is why I like older men,” I thought as I tried to psych myself up for a night on the town. We planned to meet at Gonpachi after our respective work days.

The table was ready and, while waiting for our wine, the conversation began with several general topics: “What do you do?” “Where do you live?” When I asked, “Do you have any kids?” I was half expecting, “yes,” and I wasn’t wrong. Alarm bells started going off in my head — Japanese men rarely, if ever, get divorced, especially if they have kids.

OK, so his kids are older, I thought. No biggie. Maybe he’s a widower? The wine arrived, and exactly one sip later, I blurted, “So, I have to ask: are you married?” Pregnant pause, sheepish grin, and an honest disclosure, followed by effusive apologies for not telling me sooner.

“I would not have come had I known you were married.,” I fumed. “What in the world are you doing here with me?”

Ticked off that I failed to properly screen again, I took a few more sips of wine to give myself time to think of my escape. Should I be dramatic, throw the wine on him, and stomp out? Quietly put my glass down, excuse myself to the restroom, and never come back? Holler out to everyone else in the restaurant that there was a two-timing jerk sitting across from me?

I decided on none of the above. “You’re paying for dinner,” I said, and proceeded to order the most expensive items on the menu, as well as more wine and dessert. (Hey, I don’t get out much.) I then blessed him with two hours of philosophizing about love, commitment and marriage. Sayonara, Rich Guy.

I went back to my list, but this time with less enthusiasm, and I soon put it aside. Then, a few short weeks later, I met “him.” Intelligent, hot, attentive and, you guessed it, married. It was much harder to say goodbye to this one. We shared so many interests, and there was definitely chemistry. Fortunately, he was supportive of my position and we pledged to remain friends. He still gets to go home to his wife, and I get to peruse my list. I may revisit it again soon.

One of my email dates remarked that it was much easier for foreign men to date in Japan than foreign women. I am inclined to believe this is true. The divorce rate in Japan may be low, but I imagine that’s because the affair rate is so high. Hey, no judgment from me one way or the other. I’m just hoping that I’ll find a wandering eye of my own some day. Perhaps he’s reading now?

Anne Weinberg is on an exchange program studying government affairs in Tokyo.

This commentary originally appeared in Metropolis magazine (www.metropolis.co.jp).

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Latest 15 of 107 Total Comments Show All

likeitis at 03:40 PM JST - 4th February

Huh? I would reevaluate any personal situation where I lacked "the right" to bring up any topic. I'm a little surprised at you here likeitis....

I do not know why you would be surprised. The relationship where you have the right to bring up any topic would be something other than an extra-marital affair. An extra-marital affair must have rules and boundaries set from the start. This is different from other relationships where you can make the rules as you go.

I am always mindful of my partner's future. My former mistress is now married, and I am very happy for her. I cannot say if I prolonged her state of being single, or contributed to her current state of an apparently happy marriage, but I like to think its the latter. I also like to think it was an at least somewhat fulfilling time in her life.

But if she started asking me if we were going to get married, I would have laid the law down instantly. It was not part of the deal, and such musings will lead to trouble, not only in her mind but mine as well, and it could have spilled over into my wife's mind . Which is why I say it should not be brought up.

Perhaps if he spent more time nurturing those relationships he wouldn't need to seek online companionship.

Actually, I think its offline companionship he is searching for. And if you still think that nurturing other relationships is the cure to the male desire for infidelity, I think you should think again. The average male mind is not wired that way. I think they are already pushing their limits and their current level of faithfulness should be praised, rather than attempt to bend them further to the female will.

Its not only my own mind that makes me think this way, but centuries of recorded male behavior. Females nurture relationships because it is more pleasure than work for them, in general, to do so. For men, its more work than pleasure.

And there simply is no easy replacement to the ABSOLUTE JOY we experience with a new lover, with the possible exception of being victorious in bloody battle, and I do not mean the little joy of sports, I mean bloody battle. I don't think both of those can be kept from men, so please choose.
Nessie at 04:58 PM JST - 4th February

I can't tell you how many frustrated Western women I met over the years in Tokyo. Western guys ignore them because they're chasing (or being chased by) Japanese women.

Actually, Western guys ignore them because Western women automatically assume Western guys are chasing Japanese women, so the Western women start off with attitude. Lost the attitude and see what happens.
FishOutofWater at 05:54 PM JST - 4th February

kirakira25

On this subject....does anyone actually have some good advice on how to meet good men in Tokyo??! Mum is coming over for two months at the end of March. She is beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed, petite, oh, and 61.

Ok i don't mean to be rude but i think at 61 your mum is gonna have a lot of trouble finding smo here.I do believe japanese men and even foreigners living here care a lot about age .

I am a 25 y/o gaijin female myself and it was hell finding a decent man to date .
Betzee at 07:30 PM JST - 4th February

I will say I appreciate your total honesty, likeitis, as opposed to the self-serving justifications of some other posters. Yet you conceded misrepresentation is usually part of the game initially, and it can be justified on the grounds, well, "men are like this." But women aren't. Perhaps that's why airrunwesker nipped in the bud his own wife's efforts to replicate his online antics. kirakira, tmarie....

You sound like you like the attention.

I do and life would have been a lot duller without it. I especially enjoy watching my Dad squirm when I am identified by other men as his girlfriend rather than his daughter. He's kind of a square guy so I know some of those types exist.

Anyway, all of this reminds me of the exchange Thelma and Louise are having in the car as they, unbeknownst to them, drive away from the lives they know into the unknown. Thelma is asking Louise why she just doesn't dump the boyfriend who can't commit and Louise shoots back "why don't you ditch that no-good husband of yours?" She then reflects, "You get what you settle for." Hmmm, true.
likeitis at 10:16 AM JST - 5th February

I will say I appreciate your total honesty, likeitis

And I appreciate your appreciation of that. Such honesty often reaps bitter denial. Glad to see someone keeping their sense.

well, "men are like this." But women aren't.

We have to make adjustments for one another. This is one of the hardest things to compromise on. The best I have seen is when the man keeps his infidelity to a bare minimum, hides it as much as humanly possible, appreciates the freedom and directs that appreciation toward his wife, and meanwhile the woman entertains the fantasy of fidelity sometimes quite willfully, but enjoys a steady relationship and does not need to worry about being dumped for another woman.

About that last one, anyone who leaves their marriage only for another deserves a bit slap upside the head IMHO. The only reason to leave a marriage is because your partner is not fulfilling their obligations. Marriage is a partnership, first and foremost.
alientalk at 10:47 AM JST - 5th February

Everyone has their mate some where. Please, keep looking ...
Betzee at 11:05 AM JST - 5th February

Everyone has their mate some where. Please, keep looking ..

That would sure be a heck of a lot easier if those who've already mated weren't crowding the field. I guess that was Ms. Weinberg's point. I doubt she will find him going about it online; but she may be able to write up her encounters as a cross-cultural romance comedy and make some money. "Money can't buy me love," but it can sure get ya a whole lot of other things.
Nessie at 11:49 AM JST - 5th February

Everyone has their mate some where.

...And some people have someone else's mate everywhere.
herefornow at 05:12 PM JST - 5th February

likeitis -- I have read your sanctimoneous postings for the last couple of days on this topic, and not replied. But, enough is enough. You are nothing but a player who cannot emotionally handle fidelity, at least on your own part, who happened to get lucky enough to land in a country where women are raised to expect a lack of faithfulness from their men. Please don't paint yourself as some kind of hero because you are open with your wife as well as your mistresses. In any other country, you'd have lost 50% of your assets, and would be paying your ex alimony, plus her attorney's fees. That's how many places define "partnership". Just thank your lucky stars Japan doesn't.
Betzee at 11:56 PM JST - 5th February

I am always mindful of my partner's future.

For a woman to buy into this type of benign paternalism is extremely unwise. While the a married man may genuinely care about you, he cannot be there for you. One of the joys of partnership comes from the security of knowing the one person will be there for you.

Plus, the break-up tends to be curt because it wasn't like a real relationship and ya knew that, right? If the married man initiates it, the woman may stalk him or members of his family. (Who cam forget Fatal Attraction.)

If the woman initiates it, the man likely needs you in his life to make some sort of intolerable home-life bearable. And once he's got you he's unwilling to let you go without a scene. The era of the long-term mistress is over, most woman are sucked in after they've been knocked down. But we all inevitably get up and move on....
Orchid64 at 10:36 AM JST - 6th February

People get the spouses they deserve based on their values, behavior, and expectations. If you have a "list" and things like wealth and beauty are high on that list, then you deserve whatever unfulfilling, shallow relationships you get. Ultimately, money doesn't make people happy and beauty fades. Most men realize this more slowly than women, and the foreign men on the prowl in Japan even more slowly than others. Foreign women usually know better, but they also sometimes pay more attention to the appeal in their mates' faces and bodies than to the quality of their companionship. I've met few foreign women who have married Japanese men who are really satisfied with their relationships in the long run.

Every person in an unhappy relationship has made choices that have lead to their situation. If you end up with losers and cheaters, you have no one to blame but yourself as you prioritized the wrong things when you made your choice.
Betzee at 12:30 PM JST - 6th February

I think men tend to prioritize looks, in part because having a good looking female partner confers status from other men. Women, by contrast, tend to want someone on his way up in the world because he will garner respect from other women. In your 20s it may not be obvious that looks fade and people lose their jobs.

When I studied in Taiwan I do recall tons of Western guys with Taiwanese girlfriends who were physically more attractive than the men who had definitely traded up in the looks department. Yet many of these couples had major communication problems and the women typically had expectations the men would not be able to meet, leading to a lifetime of resentment percolating below the surface. No thanks to that....

As for likeitis's assertion "An extra-marital affair must have rules and boundaries set from the start" I don't think this is possible which is perhaps why such liasons have the potential to turn volatile.

People arrange their lives within societal norms. Precisely because an extra-marital affair is not sanctioned by society there are no norms to guide it. Moreover, matters of the heart are not subject to arbitrary rules.

People fall in and out of love but all too rarely in sync, and this is the source of much heartache.
likeitis at 09:36 PM JST - 6th February

You are nothing but a player who cannot emotionally handle fidelity,

Uh...okay.

a country where women are raised to expect a lack of faithfulness from their men.

On the contrary. I think its others who were raised to expect something that is pretty unrealistic. And those expectations have made the infidelity scene quite chaotic and messy.

In any other country, you'd have lost 50% of your assets, and would be paying your ex alimony, plus her attorney's fees.

Case in point of how it gets messy. Yes, you seem to know the drill well. Why? Because it happens so often where you come from, that is why. Why so often? Not accepting reality, but rather reaching too far for pie in the sky, and falling off the ladder, that's why.

Now you might want to ponder the idea that most of the infidelity I saw growing up was quite poorly handled. Accidental pregnancies, drunken one night stands that led to STDs, and my favorite, a man finding his wife had been sleeping with his own father! Then you have the simple fact that I grew up without a father thanks to this much too high expectation of perfect fidelity, which can be found merely by smug snubs about someone's emotional capacity such as you have directed at me.

Until reality is accepted and methods devised to accommodate it, the messy beat will go on and on I'm afraid. At least the lawyers will get richer.

Just thank your lucky stars Japan doesn't.

This is one of the many reasons I do thank my lucky stars I live in Japan.
Betzee at 11:00 AM JST - 7th February

Orchid64,

I don't think Western women with Asian men are comparable in many ways to Asian women with Western men. First of all, there are a lot more of the latter "on the prowl" as you put it. Many no doubt have little difficulty finding female companionship. They don't have to learn much of the local language, and one thing I've come to appreciate, though I'm not sure exactly why, is that most bi-cultural couples converse in the male's native tongue.

By contrast, the number of single Western females in Asia is far smaller. I can understand why Ms. Weinberg advertises herself as "petite." That would not rule out physical attraction for a Japanese man. Taller women are going to find few Japanese men who can match them in height, unless you want to head up to Manchukuo and try your luck with the natives.

Plus, women are going to have to learn some of the language, at least enough hold their own at the dinner table when his family invites you over. So the type of Western woman who gets involved with an Asian male is probably better educated and was drawn to the man for reasons beyond simply lust.

There are some advantages as well. Western women with Asian men do not elicit a nationalistic response. The locals are often curious but genial: "Does she understand what we're saying?" "Well, if if flattering to her, yes. Otherwise, no." The truth was, I was much more interested in anything negative anyone had to say. But it was always the same, "Very tall."

I'm afraid one of the reasons for the high divorce rate is there's little to keep these marriages together when the couple hits a rough spot. The families probably say, "Told you so." Whereas there's societal support for keeping families together when people choose marriage partners from within their own, particularly when there are young children involved.

Now in cultures where it's acceptable to fool around, it may be people are less choosy when settling on a partner for life. But from my perspective, most people I Know are so happy when they've forged a connection with another person that infidelity doesn't really enter into it. That lifestyle of serial philandry is totally alien to me, and I intend for it to remain so!
JeromeInJapan at 08:43 AM JST - 10th February

Too desperate lady! Ease off and you will be ok. Keep this mindless internet soul searching up and what you have been getting is what you will get!