Japanese cooking shows and the loss of sanity

By David Chester

The Japanese obsession with cooking shows borders on the pathological. I can’t think of any other way to describe it. Well, I can… but it won’t be printed. Hence, let me break down my observations into “bite-size chunks” so they go down more easily.

Let’s start with frequency. You cannot surf Japanese TV for more than five minutes without encountering some kind of program where you are sure to witness pornographic close-ups of quivering soft-boiled eggs, wobbling mounds of custard, or in-your-face spoons of yogurt-infused God-knows-what.

These types of shows also spend inordinate amounts of time on how to properly knick your eggplants to get that prized “criss-cross” effect, how to dot your faux nouvelle cuisine with little swirls of “kawaii”-colored sauces, how to arrange and rearrange your curled carrot sticks into virtual flower arrangements, how to…

Are you getting the picture? Are you getting sick? I am.

Not only do the same types of dishes (usually Japanese) tend to get prepared ad nauseam, the experience of making them is often “enhanced” by hideous background music, the sort of cutesy crap you would only hear on ’50s American TV shows (or, I imagine, in a Japanese lobotomy ward). The “effect” is such that you will start looking around for the first sharp object you find — no doubt the very knife you’ve been brainwashed into purchasing so that you, too, can prepare the same dishes that are now driving you insane.

More than the disturbing close-ups, annoying music and blabbering commentary, however, is the “moment of truth”: all guests, usually borderline “talents,” are forced to eat the dishes they’ve been jawing on about for hours. Seeing their “honest” reaction to these morsels is clearly the most important part of the show.

To ensure we “get the message,” the cameraman inevitably zooms in on the face of the idol-who-will-be-forgotten-by-next-week as she chomps her way through some marinated octopus, followed by a mid-orgasmic shout containing the only comment acceptable: “Oishii!”

Not only does this pathetic display of “enthusiasm” take place on cooking programs, it is also considered “news.” That’s right: every morning on NHK, some super-genki “reporter” wanders through the fascinating world of “new products” (read: paid advertisements), many of which involve preparing food. One recent product was a mini-grill which would allow a family to enjoy four tiny sticks of yakitori without having to walk down the street to the nearest izakaya.

As the reporter and his cameraman stood by in the home of a “normal” Japanese family, the family, acting “normal,” prepared their little feast on their little grill, everyone’s mouths salivating to the point of foaming. When the sticks o’ flesh had been grilled to perfection, the family grabbed the grilled goodies, made their dental impressions, and shouted, on cue, “Oishii!”

Well, what if it wasn’t oishii? Do all Japanese have to put up with it and pretend they liked it? How come, on every show in which eating is involved, must everyone say “oishii?” Is it good manners? Have they been bribed? Blackmailed? I don’t get it.

Famed American comic Jerry Seinfeld once said, “Watching people eat is disgusting.” That’s right; it is. What kind of pleasure can be gained from viewing other poor souls forced to consume food with cameras in their faces, close enough to see clogged pores (or unclogged, if they’re pretty idolettes) as they masticate, swallow and robotically shout “Oishii!”?

I am aware that fine Japanese cuisine approaches the level of art. Problem: “Fine Japanese cuisine” is rarely shown on Japanese TV. I am also aware I can change the channel. Problem: I’m going to see the same thing on the next channel. Isn’t there anything else in this country that’s considered important? Are we all just couch potatoes, stuffing our faces with rice crackers, watching fake nobodies boiling, draining and inhaling noodles, gasping in ecstasy about how oishii they are? They’re noodles, for God’s sake! They might be oishii, but, so what?

I’m not here to say it’s not interesting to see how new or time-honored dishes are prepared, or that it’s not fun to watch “The Iron Chef” and enjoy the “race” to see who can make the finest dish before the clock stops ticking. But unless the daily “cooking shows” have something to offer other than squealing “tarento” or the fake reactions of bribed Joe and Jane Yamada, then they are wasting a tremendous amount of time on nothing.

David Chester is a Tokyo-based songwriter, musician and filmmaker. This commentary originally appeared in Metropolis magazine (www.metropolis.co.jp).

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Latest 15 of 68 Total Comments Show All

bdiego at 03:08 PM JST - 26th November

You guys haven't seen Rachael Ray I take it? The food channel in the US is a joke. The only show that was any good was ironically Iron Chef Japan.
bdiego at 03:11 PM JST - 26th November

Disclosure: I'm literally sitting here in the US, watching Japanese TV through wist.tv (subscription service for Japanese TV) on my second monitor. The most interesting channel on my physical TV is BBC.
Orchid64 at 07:15 PM JST - 26th November

The comments here show that all roads lead back to America, eh? Here's a thought. It's not a competition. One can discuss the shortcomings of Japan without using America as a way to elevate the weaker points of Japanese culture.

The problem with the cooking shows, as those with reading comprehension might realize, is that the cooking shows lack depth and are mainly commercials for the dishes with pretty people endorsing them.
tigermoth at 02:51 AM JST - 27th November

A country that eats cold raw fish on tastless rice and provides us with those mind-numbingly idiotic cartoons that my kids watch (such as Pokemon where the main character wears clothing that a trucker from the 1970's might have chosen) has little room to talk of its cultural and gastronomical superiority.

Import Gordon Ramsey. If you don't love Gordon, you have problems. Clean, simple, fresh good food, yeah?
sydenham at 05:43 AM JST - 27th November

Wow, I thought this article was going to be funny. How wrong I was. This guy is seriously complaining about the idiocy of crap TV? This is like being down the rabbit hole.

Why would he continue to watch crap TV, to the extent that he has to write an article about it to sufficiently vent his frustration? The real frustration, should be with himself and his lack of willpower to reach for the remote and hit the "off" button.
Ah_so at 06:07 AM JST - 27th November

Why would he continue to watch crap TV, to the extent that he has to write an article about it to sufficiently vent his frustration? The real frustration, should be with himself and his lack of willpower to reach for the remote and hit the "off" button.

He states that he likes cookery programmes - he would just like to see them more intelligently done and less artificial.
bdiego at 08:19 AM JST - 27th November

Now you're complaining about Japanese food and cartoons? Lots of black pots here.
greensatindress at 02:45 PM JST - 27th November

for the longest time I wondered why they would always have a close up of food held in chopsticks by someone with a bad case of the nervous shakes. Now I realize that person was probably trained for god knows how long to get the effect just right.

I also can't stand to watch people eat.
butterflykawaii at 03:22 AM JST - 28th November

> face of the idol-who-will-be-forgotten-by-next-week as she chomps her way through some marinated octopus, followed by a mid-orgasmic shout containing the only comment acceptable: “Oishii!” >

What is wrong with that? "OISHIIIIII!!!!"
Richard_III at 10:58 AM JST - 28th November

Highlight of the TV Schedule this week has been whether some lass can gain 10kg or not.

Watching this pitiable excuse for entertainment has lowered my estimation of Japanese TV to sub dog turd levels.
sydenham at 06:35 AM JST - 29th November

he would just like to see them more intelligently done and less artificial.

maybe he hasn't realized the aims of commercial tv stations. ie. to make money. they will sell what sells, and not a bit more. and their basic mantra, "if crap sells, sell crap," will continue to be the norm.

if he hasn't realized this in his years in Japan up to now, i think this says more about him, than any plastic tarento could ever say about the state of cooking shows in Japan.

this article is just empty whingeing.
30061015 at 01:45 AM JST - 1st December

Try to keep it all in perspective for the billion or on the planet that go to bed hungry every night. In Japan/Europe/US,at least we have enough (too much?) food to even say, "Oishii!"
whitepocky at 01:53 PM JST - 1st December

In my own personal experience I only own a TV in Japan for one reason. To watch the Premier League on the weekends. I used to quite enjoy Japanese TV a few years back, but have recently boycotted it as it's complete tosh!!! I'd prefer to go online and watch clips of Japanese classics like Takeshi's 'genki ga deru terebi' and/or 'uchi-p produces'. I only wish that J:Com would put the BBC on their services to inform me of some proper news. As for tarento, the majority of them have the talent of a dead door mouse.
Wottock_Hunt at 07:45 PM JST - 1st December

Did anybody see that programme a few weeks ago where a venerable senior showed us how to make rice well?

Apparently, you are supposed to wash it and then bung it in a rice cooker. Then when you eat it you have to act like you've never tasted food before.

Just rice. Nothing on it. Just plain boiled rice. It's so good it makes you do that face like you've just noticed you've wet yourself - eyes closed tight, deep sigh, nod slowly at the inexorable truth of the situation.

Then you say, in hushed awe, "Oishii" And the person you eat ot with agrees with you.

It has to be Japanese rice, though, as other kinds of rice are not unique.
Noripinhead at 03:32 PM JST - 4th December

It's not true that they only say "Oishii" when the food is tasty. Sometimes they say "Umai" or in one particular case, "Mayuuu!"