The do's and don'ts of having an affair

Saturday 16th August, 07:08 AM JST

“My wife has amazing intuition,” says a 40-year-old Tokyo company employee. “I started going out with this woman I met at work. She’s 10 years younger than me. Anyway, one day I’m at home cutting my nails, and all of a sudden my wife says, ‘What’re you so happy about?’ I said, ‘What?’ She says, ‘You’re humming. That’s not like you.’

“I hadn’t even noticed. But it was true, I was feeling pretty high. Naturally I immediately glummed down…”

Naturally. “Furin”—the sort of love that’s supposedly off-limits to the married—has been much in and around the news since celeb announcer Mona Yamamoto was spotted last month at a love hotel with married Yomiuri Giants slugger Tomohiro Nioka. Big deal, you might say, but she (who had been through all this once before) lost her anchor spot on Fuji TV’s new news program “Sakiyomi,” and he was suspended for a time. So in that sense, if in no other, it is a big deal.

What the stars do grandly, many others are bound to be doing modestly. Furin is as old as love, but the ubiquitous cell phone, notes journalist Sanae Kameyama in her exploration of the subject for Shukan Asahi (Aug 15), makes almost easy what once had to be accomplished with a great deal of stealth. Consequently, there’s more furin than ever.

Kameyama observes this difference between male and female adulterers: women grow tense, men grow expansive. Expansiveness feels good but has its dangers. “Don’t despise your wife’s intuition,” warns Kameyama. “An iron rule of infidelity is, if you go to a hotel don’t use the soap—but some wives say they can even smell a hotel’s hot water.”

There are other “iron rules” too, says Kameyama, if you want to preserve your marriage. Never use your car. Never take photos, or have them taken. That can be awkward, she points out, when your date pulls out her cell phone camera and asks you to pose with her. How do you refuse? Gently, tactfully and firmly, is Kameyama’s advice. For example: “It’s because we want our love to continue that we must be careful.”

Never, never, writes Kameyama in Shukan Asahi, bring your lady friend home. Your wife may be away visiting her parents and seemingly out of the picture; it’s dreadfully imprudent all the same. “A woman may be curious to see her boyfriend’s domestic establishment,” she writes, “and she may savor the tingle of fear she feels upon entering the premises, but the end result is jealousy and regret. it’s a very bad idea.”

The emotions involved can lead to unpredictable behavior. However sincerely a woman may love her married boyfriend, there are times when she naturally resents her position and feels a need to get even. “Once,” Kameyama hears from a 32-year-old Saitama woman, “I placed a hair of mine in the buttonhole of his trunks.” Pity she doesn’t tell us what, if anything, followed from that.

If you basically like your wife and don’t want to divorce her, better tell your mistress early on, warns Kameyama. Here’s a cautionary tale of what can happen otherwise.

“He told me he and his wife weren’t getting along but that their youngest child was still in elementary school and he didn’t want to end the marriage until the child moved up to junior high school,” recalls a 33-year-old Tokyo OL of an affair with a former boss. “He asked me to wait two years.”

She did. The two years passed; still the man made no move toward divorce. Goaded to fury, she “went on the attack.” One day she showed up at the man’s house and introduced herself to his wife: “I’m having an affair with your husband.” Then she visited the man’s boss and exposed him there too. Again, we don’t learn the sequel, but we can guess that the man had moments of wishing he had spent his nights safely if tediously at home.

Latest 15 of 60 Total Comments Show All

studebaker at 12:18 PM JST - 19th August
The benefits of having an affiar? Let me list them: 1. Many Japanese wives cease to have sex after they have had kids. Many couples even get separate beds after they've had their lot of children. I met a guy once who has been living with his girlfriend for 15 years, but won't marry her because he knows how Japanese women change after they've tied the knot.
1. Younger, hotter women. Men can try to deny that they crave a wide range of healthy, fertile mates, but we are genetically hard-wired to spread our genes in order to ensure their success. Read the book "Sperm Wars".
And to answer why women go out with men who are married? They enjoy feeling special: so special that a married man would risk it all to be with her.
electric2004 at 01:05 PM JST - 19th August

To studebaker - and your number 1 point on the list. There can be many reasons, why the wife does not want, and she will explain it like:

I am tired.

I have my period.

Not during the week when you have to work tomorrow.

... already sleeping or pretending to sleep ...

I did not yet take a shower.

It is too cold.

It is too hot.

The children are not yet sleeping.

Our little boy wants to sleep between us.

I have a headache.

Tomorrow is Monday and you have to go to work.

Tomorrow is Saturday and you have to go to language class. Please take the kids with you.

=> This reduces the chances to approximately one time a month on a Saturday.

Which is quite low, regarding the famous Martin Luther (in old german language) already around 1500:

"In der Woche zwier schaden weder ihm noch ihr."

Translation: Making love two times a week is good for him and for her.
cleo at 01:19 PM JST - 19th August

They enjoy feeling special: so special that a married man would risk it all to be with her.

What's special about being the dead-end bit on the side of some bloke who either 1) doesn't appreciate the woman he chose to marry and vowed to cherish; or 2) plays away because he can't make home work?

Either way he's a loser and not worth the having.
mindovermatter at 01:59 PM JST - 19th August

You know Japan would be ok, if... We all know that men & women all over the world cheat... it's no surprise...

But don't go around with your "higher-than-though" attitude... We don't care what you do...Have at it...

But leave your attitude, self-righteousness / victim-hood and racial superior attitude at the door of your house...

This is Japan of the 21st century, there are many foreigner here who don't play by the "I'm a 12 year old mommas boy" rule that you've been brought up to believe...

Follow these simple rules and you'll be safe...
studebaker at 02:03 PM JST - 19th August

Cleo: it doesn't matter if she's the dead-end bit and she doesn't have a hope it marry him. She enjoys feeling special in the moment and doesn't plan her life all the way to the end while in the prime of her youth.
studebaker at 02:10 PM JST - 19th August

to electric2004: I'm sorry to hear about all those excuses. It makes me think about the prenuptial agreement that some guy wrote which stated that if his future wife was to have sex with him less than 5 times a month, it would be grounds for divorce...
meanmutha at 05:03 PM JST - 19th August

yawn...pull my finger.
DanManjt at 05:46 PM JST - 19th August

We all know that men & women all over the world cheat... it's no surprise...

I do not.

And it would be of great surprise, to say the least, if my wife did.

The crux of the issue is not whether people engage in extra-marital affairs.

They do.

The crux of of the issue is: is that what you want in your marriage?
OhioDonna at 04:01 AM JST - 21st August

There are no "do's" about having an affair it is best to "don't".
lipscombe at 08:45 AM JST - 21st August

oh well, if this self help guide fails you then yahoo has another equally pointless one todfay to help you out. god bless em all, how would we get by without them? http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/dating-diaries-breaking-up-is-easy-to-do-5-simple-rules-222430/ Dating Diaries: Breaking Up Is Easy To Do: 5 Simple Rules - Love + Sex on Shine
pkhunter at 12:28 PM JST - 22nd August

Are they frigging kidding me? There's actually a guide and rulebook for reprehensible behavior? Sic.
ca1ic0cat at 01:27 AM JST - 23rd August

One "do" might be "do be willing to accept the consequences."
Helly at 05:14 PM JST - 26th August

Real men don't cheat. A cheater is a liar and weak spirited person with no self respect. You vowed to stay faithful when you take your wedding vows. If you can not keep that kind of sacred vow to your own family, then you can't be trusted to keep your word to the general public.

A man is all about his word and his integrity.

Ladies, if a guy is cheating on you, that basically means he doesn't repect you.
GeorgeRoper at 05:30 PM JST - 26th August

Helly,

Too right. If my late wife Mildred had caught me cheating, she would have had my guts for garters.

In the evening a man shouldn`t be cheating, he should be down the pub with his mates, or in front of the telly watching Rainbow or similar.
ca1ic0cat at 03:52 AM JST - 27th August

Have your guts for garters? that's a bit brutal. My wife simply says "go ahead, I'll cut them off and hand them to you."

You will also find that people who cheat at golf will cheat anywhere. Beware the foot wedge!