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In your experience, how do your Japanese friends of the opposite sex react when you try to give them a friendly hug or kiss on the cheek when you are greeting them or saying goodbye?

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Most of my Japanese women friends, even the ones who have lived abroad, are uncomfortable with hugging. The ones I tried to hug stood there like a statue, arms hanging at their side. And a kiss on the cheek? Forget it. I don't bother trying a hug anymore.

7 ( +8 / -1 )

MY Japanese friends do the same to me....

1 ( +2 / -1 )

Most of my women friends in Japan have extensive experience living, working, or visiting in Western countries, so this doesn't present a problem in my case.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

paulinusa Oct. 04, 2014 - 08:30AM JSTMost of my women friends in Japan have extensive experience living, working, or visiting in Western countries, so this doesn't present a problem in my case.

Regardless if they have travel abroad, they are in the minority. You’re talking about a Japanese culture where the traditional form of greeting was standing well apart and bowing to each other, hands kept to yourself. It just doesn’t come naturally to Japanese and actual close bodily contact, such as hugging, can be quite alarming. Most Japanese will stand stiff as a board. However, Japanese ways doesn’t mean that they feel less affection, just that they have a different way of showing it.

5 ( +10 / -5 )

In my experience, I have no idea since I do not go around deliberately breaking social norms. There is only one Japanese man who is not family who I would hug (not kiss) and he is a good friend of very, very, long standing, the husband of my best friend who is virtually family-in-Japan anyway.

Why go out of your way to invite misunderstanding?

7 ( +10 / -3 )

sfjp330: The question was presented as "In your experience" and that's how I answered.

7 ( +7 / -0 )

They love it... I'm the one who's confused and uncomfortable.

I had to explain to one of my female friends the the "friendly hugs" that people in the US love to give and receive are viewed as highly inappropriate in many other countries unless the person has been a friend for a very, very long time (years, possibly decades). Even the French rarely actually make contact with their greeting kisses, instead "air kissing" a couple of inches from your cheek unless, again you have been friends for a very long time.

I wouldn't know about the friends who choose not to initiate, since I am not going to be initiating the hug or kiss.

I think that the rule should be 2 days notice in writing, with an option to decline, before you violate someone's personal space in such an intimate fashion.

4 ( +6 / -2 )

As an Englishman, I'd rather cut my arms off with a chainsaw than hug or kiss.

Kiss a casual acquaintance? My goodness, what a thought. I require written notice two days in advance before any "intimacy" with the wife....

21 ( +23 / -2 )

US, Europe are not homogenous in terms of hugging, as witness the comments above. Maybe Central America, South America are uniformly huggers, maybe not. Would be interesting if the article's author stated their baseline group / nation / area where hugging is assumed common. Maybe NOT hugging is frowned upon there?

I remember one going away lunch in California where the only person to hug me was the South American wife (who I barely knew) of a coworker.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

It depends on the crowd you mix with, but my impression is that hugging has become quite Japanese, especially after a couple of drinks. Kissing does not work, except with the Roppongi crowd perhaps.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

You have to be kind of careful about that sort of thing here with some Japanese. For some Japanese, it's OK and they're pretty cool about it, but for other Japanese it's considered rather flirtatious or a strong display of affection. One Japanese woman told me about how a European man who was visiting her family gave her the customary kiss on both cheeks when saying goodbye on a shinkansen platform where she lives. She said, "He suddenly grabbed both of my shoulders, pulled me in and kissed me lightly on each cheek. My husband (a Japanese) was standing right there but he didn't pay any attention since he was familiar with European customs." She told me that it surprised the heck out of her and that other Japanese who happened to be standing around were watching which left her feeling embarrassed. It's probably related to their bowing culture. Anyway, case by case when deciding whether or not to give a hug or kiss (even a casual one) to Japanese friends and acquaintances.

2 ( +2 / -0 )

'my impression is that hugging has become quite Japanese, especially after a couple of drinks.'

Too right. I've been mauled by red-faced, ciggie-breathed, pissed-up male Japanese coworkers getting all affectionate. Even my beloved dad only goes as far as a quick hug at New Year after half a bottle of Scotch. Give me a bow anytime.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

'Too right. I've been mauled by red-faced, ciggie-breathed, pissed-up male Japanese coworkers getting all affectionate. Even my beloved dad only goes as far as a quick hug at New Year after half a bottle of Scotch. Give me a bow anytime.

The question was about the opposite sex. If you are female or a swinger, please disregard this message.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

They don't seem to like it much on the trains... kidding, kidding.

I don't try to hug anyone anymore, and it's caused me to feel kind of awkward when I go back to my home country because everyone kisses and hugs... What would you call it, reverse kissitis?

0 ( +0 / -0 )

I approached it a little differently--as a cultural exchange. They taught me to bow like a Japanese. I taught them to hug like (some) Canadians.

At first they were as stiff as could be, but over the years as we met during our annual cultural exchanges in Canada and in Japan they warmed up to it and quite enjoyed it--especially when they were in Canada and could be quite free about it. But last time I visited Japan we all stood around after an enkai--some smoking--none of us wanting to part. I went around to each one (there were some women too) and gave them a farewell hug. Surprise! They all hugged back. Hard. They were quite chuffed when I commented, "You all hug just like Canadians now." Mind you, it took 20 years--and as it was dark and late we had no audience. In the train station in the morning it might have been a different story.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

I recommend giving up until after Ebola has run its course.

-6 ( +1 / -7 )

I find that if I am a chair then they accept my hugs quite willingly.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

I think its a bit bizarre people going around hugging japanese people unless they are from a culture that does that back in their home country.E.G France,Italy,Saudi arabia. If an american,Brit,Canadian,Aussie or NZ did it,then they are being way took friendly. Pretty dumb questions really unless it is naturally part of your culture to kiss or hug friends or an acquaintance. Sinice it isn't in my culture or the japanese culture why would I.

1 ( +3 / -2 )

a friendly hug or kiss on the cheek ? Sorry mate you are in Japan

0 ( +3 / -3 )

I never touch or hug my guy friends. In America or Japan it's the same, I just can't bring myself to be close to a guy who is not my boyfriend.

All the times I've been hugged in Japan, the Japanese initiated it. "Americans like hugs, right?" Well, not all of them. :P

0 ( +1 / -1 )

At first a bit reluctant, but now used to me doing it. And they don't mind the kiss on the cheek.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

To all those making comments like, "At first a bit reluctant, but now used to me doing it. And they don't mind the kiss on the cheek.", here's a quick lesson on cultural sensitivity... they don't like you doing it, it makes their skin crawl and they're rather you stopped, but they're just too polite to point it out and don't want to hurt your feelings.

How do I know? Because I have a couple of friends who love to give "hello hugs". I also tolerate it because I like them, I don't want to hurt their feelings, and I don't want to cause a fuss, but honestly, it always feels like a borderline sexual assault.

Where does your right to exercise your cultural preferences end? Where it requires the participation of other people. And no, they cannot just say, "please don't", that's their culture, and you're showing incredible cultural insensitivity by hugging people who really don't want to be hugged.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

I hugged the wife once, well, before she was my wife. Maybe that's why she became my wife.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Ha ha - Ill never forget years ago, when my husband, trying to be all westernized and cool, met a foreign friend of mine for the first time and just marched right up to her and planted one on her! She looked horrified, I stood there shocked for a moment and then burst out laughing, he was just confused. I explained that while we do kiss and hug, yes, meeting someone for the first time you dont generally kiss like that!

On the other hand, I was at a wedding and so excited and happy for the bride and groom I hugged and kissed both of them. Suddenly I noticed the whole room had gone quiet, everyone staring in horror. OMG! The big pregnant foreign woman kissed the groom!!! Whoops.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Its weird. As a long term resident of Japan I dont do the kiss thing on Japanese soil. If I see the same person however back home in Ausstralia, it feels natural to do a wee hug and a kiss. Have laughed about this with my female friends before. When in Rome I guess ;)

0 ( +0 / -0 )

I do kiss, hug, hold by the arms, sit close to my female friends - and male friends too - with the exception of the Asian ones. First, they're way too cold to physical contact, second the women usually are wearing make-up worth of a Vermeer painting on their faces and I saw more than once a Japanese woman horrified that her make-up was undone. In short, Asians are not people to be touched.

-2 ( +0 / -2 )

Personally I'm not a huggy-kissy type. I do find it odd that people who have no problem bathing naked together would never dream of hugging, though. Am I the only one?

0 ( +2 / -2 )

it always feels like a borderline sexual assault.

If a hug/kiss on the cheek feels like sexual assault, you're doing it wrong. I'll admit, I'm not big on kissing a friend of the opposite sex (or the same sex for that matter), except for one friend, but we're very close, and we both know that there's nothing illicit about the action. Hugging friends as a greeting is something I do more often with close friends. Typically though I'll greet friends with a handshake, maybe a pat on the arm or shoulder. It's just how I am. It's a sign of friendship: being comfortable enough to make physical contact in the name of said friendship. A hug from me actually tends to come about from not seeing the friend for a while (months or years), as a sign of joy in reconnecting with an old friend. More often than not, it's a half hug or "bro hug". I very rarely give a full hug except to my closest friends, when we're both in exceptionally high spirits, or have been consuming spirits. Or both. Usually both.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

I do find it odd that people who have no problem bathing naked together would never dream of hugging, though.

I imagine it's possible to bath naked with strangers and quasi-associates because both parties know there's no chance of any physical contact?

-2 ( +1 / -3 )

I imagine it's possible to bath naked with strangers and quasi-associates because both parties know there's no chance of any physical contact?

Conversely, I imagine it's possible to hug and kiss when both parties know there's no chance of getting naked together (or if there was, my dad and I would be in trouble). Speaking of which, what would you rather do with your immediate relatives: hug them, or bathe naked with them?

2 ( +2 / -0 )

Fox Sora WintersOct. 05, 2014 - 11:16AM JST If a hug/kiss on the cheek feels like sexual assault, you're doing it wrong. I'll admit, I'm not big on kissing a friend of the opposite sex (or the same sex for that matter), except for one friend, but we're very close, and we both know that there's nothing illicit about the action.

Well done for missing the point FSW. Your culture may welcome people into your personal space, but in my culture that is "intimate space", reserved for family, lovers and very close old friends. I don't even like people slapping me on the shoulder in greeting, again it is an invasion of my "intimate space".

Keep your hands to yourself unless invited or I have an option to decline, like with a handshake.

It is a cultural difference. Try to show the absolute minimum of cultural sensitivity by not assaulting strangers.

-2 ( +1 / -3 )

Yeah, I used to get the question a lot when I moved from New Jersey to South Dakota. Just kidding. Only in Japan must we continually rehearse the trivialities of "cultural" difference. Perhaps next we might take up the question of hard vs. soft water.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

The girls at work grab us by locking arms all the time

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Your culture may welcome people into your personal space, but in my culture that is "intimate space", reserved for family, lovers and very close old friends. I don't even like people slapping me on the shoulder in greeting, again it is an invasion of my "intimate space".

I wonder if you are not perhaps confusing culture with personal preferences.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Slumdog - If you have so little international experience that you cannot conceive of a culture that has a different conception of personal space than yours then your problem is personal.

My position is cultural and shared by others here if you scroll back through the comments.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

If you have so little international experience that you cannot conceive of a culture that has a different conception of personal space than yours then your problem is personal.

My comment have nothing to do with how I perceive another culture. They have to do with how I think you might be misperceiving cultures. I think you are perhaps making a leap from what you think is inappropriate to what all others of that culture think is inappropriate and I question whether that leap is at all accurate.

My position is cultural and shared by others here if you scroll back through the comments.

Having some others share the same opinion as you is not the same as the culture as a whole sharing them.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

Slumdog - I am basing my assertion about my home culture on first hand observations of hundreds of thousands of social interactions with, over my lifetime, tens of thousands of people. That would be a sufficiently representative sample to satisfy even the most strict statistician.

Your refusal to believe that any culture could be different to your own... Nothing more than prejudice and arrogance.

Good day.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

I am basing my assertion about my home culture on first hand observations of hundreds of thousands of social interactions with, over my lifetime, tens of thousands of people. That would be a sufficiently representative sample to satisfy even the most strict statistician.

I would love to meet the 'statistician' that would be satisfied with the experiences of one person claiming to represent an entire culture based what seems to be solely on their own experiences.

Here is an interesting article for you:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2585820/No-hugging-British-From-pop-politics-suddenly-everyones-going-touchy-feely-Pass-sickbag-says-QUENTIN-LETTS.html

Now hugging is everywhere. We British might once have kept our distance, but that national tendency to show restraint has gone. Hugging has taken over. It has become an epidemic. A plague.

So, I have found another opinion/observation of current British culture that seems to disagree with your opinion. Are you going to claim they do not know or understand current British culture?

Your refusal to believe that any culture could be different to your own

Again, this has nothing to do with my opinions of other cultures. It has to do with your attempt to represent two whole cultures - Japanese and British based what seems to be solely on your own personal preferences.

Just because you do not like something does not mean that it represents what others in a culture dislike.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

what would you rather do with your immediate relatives: hug them, or bathe naked with them?

Now that's a good question! I suppose it depends how 'immediate' they are. In-laws, growed-up kids, brother and brother's family: hugs, definitely no nekkid bathing. (Not that the in-laws are much into hugs, though I did put a grin on my dear fil's face when I gave him a hug and big lipsticky kiss on the cheek on my wedding day.) Husband, grandkids, best (Brit) mate and her daughters: both!

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Slumdog - You are mistaken. I am not British.

This confirms you lack of international experience that you believe that the British are the only culture that do not enjoy being pawed by random strangers. There are far more cultures where hugging is reserved for close friends and family than there are where people hug complete strangers, quite possibly because disease wiped out the huggers.

I live in hope that this will happen again and I can live in a world safe from random physical assaults by culturally insensitive idiots.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

You are mistaken. I am not British.

This confirms you lack of international experience that you believe that the British are the only culture that do not enjoy being pawed by random strangers.

It merely confirms that I mistakenly thought you had mentioned you were British in a previous conversation we had.

The discussion has nothing to do with being pawed by strangers. Please look at the question again:

In your experience, how do your Japanese friends of the opposite sex react when you try to give them a friendly hug or kiss on the cheek when you are greeting them or saying goodbye?

It says nothing about strangers and I have said nothing about strangers in my posts.

Again, it seems to me that you are more voicing your own personal opinons than those of a cultural perspective.

Witness your comment:

I don't even like people slapping me on the shoulder in greeting, again it is an invasion of my "intimate space".

This strikes me more as your personal feeling than as a cultural perspective. You are welcome to your personal feelings, but it is clear that that is what they are.

I have nothing against not wanting to be accosted by strangers, but that is not what this question or this discussion is about. It is what you have personally decided to make it about.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

I do not like getting other peoples' smells on me, especially perfumes and JiJi greasy hair stink.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

I'm British and I don't have issues with hugging close female friends and family... even female colleagues I've worked with over a number of years. The Japanese female friends expect me to hug them now... it's normal. Some even initiate the hug. Shouldn't really rely on stereotypes ^_^

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Shouldn't really rely on stereotypes ^_^

Absolutely. Thank you. That was my point exactly. I was somehow accused of lacking international perspective for suggesting that pigeon-holing people is wrong. There are plenty of Japanese that hug, as witnessed by Frungy's comments above in the discussion. There are plenty of Brits that hug as witness by the article I linked and your above comments.

My specific problem with Frungy's comments is that no one is saying they liked to be hugged randomly on the streets, etc, by strangers. We are specifically talking about friends here.

I also have a problem with the fact that Frungy seems to think I am for random strangers hugging on the streets or that I would force others to submit to such. Nothing could be further from the case.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

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