Sunday May 27, 2012

JAPAN NEWS AND DISCUSSION

What advice would you give to stressed-out parents of young children so that they don’t resort to abusing their children as a means of discipline?

Have Your Say Sep. 09, 2011 - 06:20AM JST ( 20 )

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20 Comments

4

badmigraineSep. 09, 2011 - 08:17AM JST

I would say to them, "Wear an electric dog shock collar, and give the control box to your kids."
0

SasorizaSep. 09, 2011 - 11:32AM JST

In Japan? Well, do as I do- pay absolutely no attention to what the others say, how they look at you, what rumors do they spread about you. Learn to fight the society's unhealthy pressure if you want to raise happy, free, open-minded children. You can't satisfy the society-never ever! Let the kids become your priority. I basically give rats behind for how people look at me when my 2 years old runs screaming in the supermarket. She won't run and scream when she turns 5-6, because by them she will be able to understand that such behaviour is not good.And I'll never smash my child's personality just to satisfy the society( bunch of old crones and disgrunted middle aged men). I don't care cleaning after what she's done, and I've accepted the fact that my house for the next several years won'T be as clean as it used to be-but that's the price for having children, and anyone in my position would understand that, unless they are too scared what the group of mold-brain otakus from both genders would say. If people weren't that scared of the public opinion, they wouldn't discipline their children to the extent of abuse.
1

CosSep. 09, 2011 - 11:32AM JST

What kind of question is that ? Parents totally know the difference between discipline and abuse. Nobody ever confused "do your homework, or you can't play electronic games" or "do all the house chores or you won't have food and you'll be locked in the washing machine the whole week-end.", The former are cases read in the news here, and the parents knew that was weird. If they still do that, they need professional help from psychologists and they can't keep the kids before they get cured.
0

FireyReiSep. 09, 2011 - 05:28PM JST

Abusing their children? There is no advice, there is only punishment like jail time for abuse and losing custody of said abused child.

Slapping them on the bum?

Good for you!

Slapping them in the face?

Let me do it to you for a taste of what you give.
0

illsayitSep. 09, 2011 - 05:42PM JST

Disciplining is better than years down the track wishing you had of. I hate this sort of question. It seems suggestive that parents are stressed and therefore abuse. I say what does abuse mean? In fact what is stress?? Abuse if your kids stress you, it is your responsibility. I wouldnt trust anybody else to do it to my kids-hell they might be having a stressful day. But if you put the meaning of abuse into the level of news like criteria, then maybe the word discilpine is preferrable to abuse. Either way this question can play havoc to the sensitive parent Id guess. And for the police minded type, they love to drive it home how wonderful they are when this sort of question arises. Most parents know when theyve gone too far, and are repenting in nature. But the ones that put standards to how to parent are worse than the ones who go too far, because they are judge-mental.
2

johninnahaSep. 09, 2011 - 05:58PM JST

Dump the TV.

Talk to them and listen to what they have to say.
1

gonemadSep. 09, 2011 - 09:10PM JST

Think about your education style. First of all, if you want that your children behave the way you want, they have to trust you. Trust doesn't come just by the fact that you are the father or mother, you have to earn it. Always explain to your children why they should do something. Take the time to listen to them and let them challenge you. They do have valid arguments. Never impose your will just because you have the power to do so. Give reasonable freedom to your children so that they can earn their own experiences, including bad ones. Show them that you respect and trust them as well.

When you have a conflict, try to get rid of emotions as much as possible (but don't ignore them!). Especially any form of fear can be very destructive, so try to understand it and don't hesitate to address it. This is the most difficult task, but I'd say it's still easier with children than with most adult people...

I found the above working well even for children as small as 2 years. I never have to resort to slapping or any other form of disciplining measures without cutting back on education. It's simply not necessary. Interestingly, it quickly starts to work with children other than my own as well, so I don't feel stressed when I have to take care of a bunch of children on birthday parties or trips to somewhere. Puberty and it's challenges are still ahead, so let's wait and see, but I don't see any reason why it should fundamentally change anything.
0

UtrackSep. 10, 2011 - 12:05AM JST

the only advice I CAN GIVE is use common sense.
0

Marion Wm SteeleSep. 10, 2011 - 05:19AM JST

Have your children sit down and have a "round tavle" discussion and let them be heard and expound on their answers. Always allow them to express their feelings and comment on their answers. Let them feel they are part of the family. Never hit your children, talk is much better and cheaper in the long run
0

illsayitSep. 10, 2011 - 06:35AM JST

LOL-I rest my case; Talk is cheap.
0

FoxieSep. 10, 2011 - 10:08AM JST

Take a chill pill.
-1
NeverSubmitSep. 10, 2011 - 01:14PM JST
This is clearly a leading question as many of these "topic" questions seem to be. The question itself insinuates:
1. That discipling a child is done only as a result of stress
2. Discipline and Abuse are one and the same
3. Other people should interfere when parents discipline their children
The main problem in society today is the lack of discipline and the unfortunate hesitation of parents to swiftly, strictly and decisively discipline their children. Children need leadership, guidance, support and discipline to be raised properly. Sometimes, physical punishment, of course moderated to pain only, is needed to guide the child. That's what parents are for and have always been for. Corporal punishment was the norm in my family and amongst my friend's families when I grew up. Today parents have become so soft it's near the point of negligence as their failing in their duty to bring guidance to the child.

I'd sooner respect a parent for slapping their child for misbehaving rather than coddle them or ignore them while they run rampant. Eventually, it's the children themselves who will suffer from a lack of discipline as they'll grow up rudderless and incapable of dealing with life's trials.
0

cleoSep. 10, 2011 - 01:52PM JST

Sometimes, physical punishment, of course moderated to pain only, is needed to guide the child.

That's the slippery slope on which these stressed-out parents come undone and a smack on the bum turns into full-scale abuse. The best thing a stressed-out parent can do is remove themselves from the scene before they thump the bad feelings and frustration out of themselves and into the kid.

Corporal punishment was the norm in my family

...and you've grown up into the kind of parent who hits kids? Great.

The key to good behaviour is self-respect. A parent needs to have self-respect and the confidence to know that they are a good role-model for their child. And the parent needs to instil self-respect in the child, a sense of his own worth. A person with a positive self-image does not grow up rudderless and incapable of dealing with life's trials, and a person who did not grow up waiting for and gradually becoming desensitised to physical punishment is less likely to see violence as an answer to problems they face as an adult.
1

LagunaSep. 10, 2011 - 05:55PM JST

Never, ever hit a child; as Cleo says, it is the slipperiest of slopes. If you feel you're struggling, if you find yourself using physical measures of any means, take advantage of any of the many fine counseling services available in Japan. Maternity hospitals, health centers, children's centers - most have professional and sympathetic staff to help you deal with this.

Raising a child in a complete non-violent manner may take more energy in the short term, but it will pay of bountifully in the long.
-1

It"S MESep. 10, 2011 - 06:17PM JST

I was raised in a house where a healthy smack does no harm and I can 100% assure you I had the same problems and did the same stunts & problems as fellow class-mates/students that NEVER got smacked.

Also a smack can happen fast and before you even think about it.

What matter is what happens AFTER that one/single smack.
0

Spidapig24Sep. 10, 2011 - 06:30PM JST

Please define abuse, are you saying a smack on the rear end is abuse. Because in some situations that isnt such a bad thing. However there is never an excuse for hitting the head or any part of the body for that matter. A good smack on the a$$ never hurt anyone but it sure as heck did point you in the right direction
1

cleoSep. 10, 2011 - 11:45PM JST

Also a smack can happen fast and before you even think about it.

You hit your kids without even thinking about it?? What do you think that teaches kids? That violence is OK so long as you didn't think about it first?

are you saying a smack on the rear end is abuse

No, a smack on the rear, while not necessary, is not necessarily abuse. The question is about stressed out parents who are at their wits' end and thus highly likely to tip over from a smack to a punch and worse. A parent who has lost the plot isn't doing any disciplining.

When this topic has come up in the past some posters have argued that corporal punishment administered in a calm, cold manner is a valid form of punishment. While I don't agree, I understand that some people do sincerely believe that it works and is in the best interests of the child. But what we are talking about here is not calm, collected parents handing out punishment in a calm, collected manner; we are talking about people who have gone past the end of their tether and are unable to cope. In that kind of situation the use of physical punishment is very, very dangerous and can easily escalate out of control.
0

pamelotSep. 11, 2011 - 06:49AM JST

Find a reliable babysitter, and step away for an evening.

The pause that refreshes...
0

Christina O'NeillSep. 13, 2011 - 09:01AM JST

Having raised 6 of them I found that the old fashioned playpen came in handy,I would turn up the radio and get into it with a cup of coffee, I couldnt get at them and they couldnt get at me. Came in handy for the ironing as well,no accidents.
0

Nicky WashidaSep. 14, 2011 - 07:57AM JST

@Christina - not a bad idea except many J apartments are the size of said playpen!

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I have smacked my children and they have almost always been in safety situations (smacking a hand away from a stove) in a reflex action. I never seem to need to. Talking to them, sending them to their rooms or withdrawing privileges seems to work well enough for us. Practicing what we preach is important too - dont run around and annoy other people (except in a play park where as far as I am concerned it is the kids place, not the creepy smoking taxi drivers), we have to think about other people who want to use the space, hold doors for people, say please and thank you, basic stuff.

What I WOULD like however, is to have people who have no kids at all or even only one, or who have never raised kids in a foreign country like Japan, to stop offering me the benefit of their wisdom and advice because frankly unless they have been there they really dont have a clue.