'Eeeek, gokiburi!' How gallant guys can score points with damsels in distress

The steamy weeks of mid-summer is also the time when cockroaches proliferate. So Weekly Playboy (Aug 24-31) entertains its male readers with a tongue-in-cheek story suggesting that valiantly squashing bugs will help them score points with gals.

In the old days, the “big three” weapons most favored against six-legged invaders were a rolled-up newspaper, liquid detergent and spray insecticide.

“Asari the Chabanator” (his title derives from ‘chabane,’ the name for German cockroach) tells the magazine that when it comes to rescuing a damsel in distress from the bugs, all three methods have their disadvantages.

“It’s a big mistake to think she’ll be impressed if you start whacking them with a rolled-up newspaper,” says Asari. “What about the squashed goki stains left behind after you’ve smashed out its guts? Yech! As for liquid detergent, it’s damn hard to hit a fast-moving target, so you wind up leaving soap squirts all over her pad. So she might be left with the impression, ‘He’s not the kind of guy I should depend on.’”

Well, what about spray insecticides? There are some pretty effective ones on the market at present; but there’s a big disadvantage to using one in front of a lady. It seems the cans’ exteriors are festooned with caricatures of gokiburi, which annoy some gals as much as seeing the real things.

“Once I took a spray can to my girlfriend’s pad, and just at the sight of it, she let out a scream,” the Chabanator recalls. To minimize the visual unpleasantness, he squirted the roach and scooped it up in one of those Kwikkuru disposable mops before she could see the remains.

“In one motion, you render the dead bug invisible, carry it off and wipe up any residue, It’s like killing three birds with one stone,” he chuckles.

“There are several restaurants on the first and second floors of my apartment,” a writer named Soiri weeps. “I see a goki on the average of one every two days. Summers in particular are pure hell. I kill them and kill them, and it makes no difference.”

Soiri’s extermination technique involves electrocution. He runs an electric current through the webbing of a toy tennis racket, which generates about 5,000 volts—enough to zap the bugs fatally.

Another chap named Yamato tells Weekly Playboy he prefers Goki-Pao, a spray preparation that within five seconds chills the goki’s body down to minus 85 degrees, literally freezing it to death.

Weekly Playboy’s staff team recommend Gokikon, a non-lethal repellent. The all-natural product, placed around kitchens and bathrooms, is composed of activated aluminum, white cedar extract, cypress extract, bamboo vinegar essence and unhulled rice vinegar essence. It is claimed to be completely safe for children and pets.

A real man, the article concludes, should be gentle not only to his lady love, but to the earth as well.

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Latest 15 of 41 Total Comments Show All

pathat at 11:04 PM JST - 17th August

"gokiburi tempura"

I suddenly feel very ill..."

Here's wishing you a speedy recovery, davy. What would JT have done over the years without all your efforts to enlighten and entertain us?
Sarge at 11:15 PM JST - 17th August

When I put the cloth cover of an old clothes rack I recently got rid of outside, man did the cockroaches ever love that! When I picked it up later, there were at least a dozen of 'em hiding under it! I'll admit it did stink...
JenniferKim at 01:35 PM JST - 18th August

So, women can be corporate CEOs and space-shuttle pilots and hold high political office and even command armies -- but we are too "girly" to deal with a little bug in the house?

This whole idea that men have to deal with the bugs, while the women cower on the sofa and go "eek!", is incredibly sexist. Toward BOTH genders.
JenniferKim at 01:37 PM JST - 18th August

And why are guys expected to "score points" with the women in their lives? If a woman expects a man to "score points" with her, as if it's a frequent-flyer program with sex as the reward, then she's not really a woman. She's a little girl inhabiting an adult female body. She's even a prostitute of sorts.
Beelzebub at 05:38 PM JST - 18th August

This whole idea that men have to deal with the bugs, while the women cower on the sofa and go "eek!", is incredibly sexist.

At least you can swat gokiburi with rolled-up newspapers. As far as I know there are no over-the-counter preparations for ridding one's domicile of feminazis.
Himajin at 06:19 PM JST - 18th August

They come up drains, and squeeze themselves flat and come in the cracks of screen doors. Since we built a house with double windows and drain traps we've never had a roach in the house, going on 20 years.

In an apartment, get those nets that look like stockings for the basket down the kitchen drain, those keep them from coming up the drain. They make them for bath drains too...just change the mesh regularly on gomi day. After that, plug the tub and bathroom sink when you go to bed at night. Plug the kitchen sink to be extra sure.Tape up any gaps under the kitchen sink between the pipe and cabinet flooring, with a good strong tape. They eat through paper tape. You can be pretty much goki-free this way. Good luck!

MILs house in the country had gokis even in winter, at New Year's we'd shoot them with BB pistols, great fun! Blow the little b******s to smithereens.....
kurtp at 10:21 AM JST - 19th August

Simple solution: Get yourself some Gokiburi hoihoi and forget all the spray can cr@p.... http://blog.realestate-tokyo.com/archives/51335787.html
Mexicanish at 10:56 AM JST - 19th August

Jen Kim: I don't care if it's sexist... my husband is in charge of lifting heavy things and killing bugs (or catching/releasing b/c we don't like to kill things...). Yeah, if he's not home I'll take care of it myself ... but if I can hand the job over to someone else then so be it.
Beelzebub at 01:34 PM JST - 19th August

Weekly Playboy is read by young Japanese males. It is not the least bit concerned with using cockroaches as a springboard to engaging in serious social commentary. And nothing takes the fun out of a cute, tongue-in-cheek spoof than being on the receiving end of a stern lecture by a militant feminist with zero sense of humour. Chill out, Miss Kim.
Noripinhead at 06:55 PM JST - 19th August

Yeah, right, and if you believe that creatively offing some "goki's" can score you points with the babes, I have a bridge in Odaiba to sell you.
Mayura at 01:21 PM JST - 20th August

Just practise hygiene and don't leave things piled up in a corner, the "gokis" wouldn't come at all.
xpompey8 at 07:15 PM JST - 20th August

This was perhaps the one major thing I didn't like about living in Japan. Even though my place was a gokiburi war zone, it didn't stop them from coming. Sticky traps were pretty effective. Gassing the apartment worked for a while, but it was unpleasant to say the least. This entire thread sends some unpleasant shivers down my spine :p
guuzendesu at 02:08 AM JST - 23rd August

Wow...JenniferKim is scarier than an army of bugs. Unfortunately for her, stereotypes exist because of observations, not random daydreams. If you could get $1 each for naming a stereotype and had to pay $10 for every "wrong" one, you'd still be rich. (Yes, there are always exceptions. But usually they're right on.)
DenDon at 02:14 AM JST - 23rd August

At least they don't fly. I saw some flying cockroaches in Okinawa. I don't want to see them again. Ever.

gokiburi on honshu fly. all of them.
ca1ic0cat at 01:51 AM JST - 1st September

I still find a bit of chivalry in opening doors at the factory and letting the OLs get off the bus first is a much better way than squishing the odd goki or two. But if they get in the office there's not much else for it.