Divorced, separated Japanese fathers also fight to see children

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bdiego at 07:04 AM JST - 10th October

The sad thing is, there are fathers who don't really care that they lose the children. And so the irony is this law only screws over the fathers who do. This is why most countries have since changed their laws so that the government won't legally be kidnapping children from their fathers. It's wrong, it doesn't matter what country we're talking about.
igotchu at 10:23 PM JST - 10th October

Japanese Parents without access to their children have strong feelings about this issue too, some people may say "shoganai" it can't be helped, but they hate the customary practice and the courts just as much as I do. In order to end this foolishness once and for all, foreign parents need domestic pressure put on the government by Japanese parents and foreign parents living in Japan. It makes sense to join together and fight this issue.

Pressure has to be applied on three fronts. (1) International Pressure, foreign governments and international organizations need to take stronger actions - foreign governments need to acknowledge this issue at the highest level of their government, then tell Japan if they don't act quickly to change their family laws it will negatively affect your relationship; international organizations should be prepared to suspend Japanese membership in Human Rights Organizations (2) International Parents in foreign countries need to keep pressure on their own governments and keep demanding access to your children via the Foreign Ministry of Japan, and continue to press courts in your home country to grant you access and joint custody because Japanese Customary practices don't allow it and their courts won't recognize your parental rights and (3) Domestic Parents w/o access, both Japanese and Foreign parents, need to form an alliance and start raising your voices in the streets. While the new law is being constructed its important that we participate in its creation, we cannot be passive while they enact a law that changes little and further frustrates parents attempting to gain access. A lot of judges, lawyers, and politicians are out of touch with whats happening in the streets we have to watch-over their actions and hold them accountable. Its time to throw away the shame of divorce and do what we gotta do.
Longtime_resident at 12:32 AM JST - 11th October

There are a number of separate issues at play here but the common thread is that the children are the ones who suffer permanent emotional damage and economic hardship.

The international element is just another twist, albeit a growing problem given the large increase in numbers of Japanese marrying foreigners.

Fault must lie squarely at the feet of the legal system and the unwillingness of the government to fund a proper enforcement system. With no enforcement system, the courts themselves are pretty much powerless and the laws themselves meaningless. Children can be kidnapped with impunity and dead-beat dads free to ignore financial obligations.

Denial of access invariably leads to a cessation of alimony and support payments, further aggravating the problems for the children, who grow to adulthood, permanently scarred by economic hardship and believing their father's are miserable no good so and so's. This view is reinforced on a daily basis by the mother, seeking her own revenge for real or imaginary grievances.

There is also more than a hint of racism involved when it comes to international marriage breakups.

On the one hand we have the well publicised case of the Canadian man who had primary custody of his children in Canada, only to have them kidnapped and brought to Japan. He has been unable to gain access for almost five years.

We then have numerous cases of Japanese men marrying women from countries such as Thailand and the Philippines. I have heard of cases where the husband simply divorces the wife (unilaterally) without any agreement or countersignature on the divorce documents. In some cases, he will simply abandon the children and in others he will simply take them himself. There is no viable redress available to these women, many of whom do not read Japanese well enough to understand what is actually happening.

Without a working system of enforcement Japan will never sign on to the Hague Treaty and join more enlightened countries that try to put the welfare of the children ahead of all else.

While no system is perfect, surely something would be better than what we have today in Japan.

North Korean kidnappings of Japanese nationals was ignored by the Japanese Government for 30 years so no-one should be surprised at the current state of affairs,

Shame on you Japan.
Klein2 at 03:55 AM JST - 11th October

Johnshiomi, your story is more interesting in the article. Truly in this world today, people who can work out their troubles rationally and calmly are the exception that must be encouraged by all means.

I have said this before in other ways, but let me sum it up differently. To change things in Japan, you would have to replace it with something. I don't think there is a good replacement. As people often say about capitalism, it is the worst system...except for all the others.

If you make divorce a contest, nobody ever wins. It never ends. Even people with the best of intentions and hearts of gold will be laid low by the prisoner's dilemma. Negotiation breaks down. Visitation rights turn into a cudgel that is used to beat the partner over the head.

Bringing the state into things is even worse. Having judges, social workers and psychologists rearrange a family is "fair," but it is in noone's interests. It does not put the children first if it cripples the parents' roles.

Don't roll your eyes people when I talk about the mother/child bond. It seems hokey, but at least in Japan, a man will start looking for a new wife after a divorce. That will be the extent of making a home for his children. A mother, on the other hand, will immediately focus on the children.

Finally. This goes without saying, but... disappointments happen. This system can be abused by deceitful women. What can I say but DO NOT have children with deceitful women. I have dated stunningly beautiful women. One was a tall glass of crazy. It was fun, but wow. If we had had children, my entire life would have been ruined, no doubt. If a marriage has love... I guess you would have to say true love... then the system does not matter. If there is no love, no system will help.

American people use an advocacy based legal system that is just inappropriate for family matters. In many matters, though, US law puts family ABOVE the law. Once someone chooses divorce, that status is forfeit.
Klein2 at 04:04 AM JST - 11th October

Johnshiomi.. I wanted to say that your story is more interesting THAN the article.

It is a courageous thing to fight for your children. I guess you are fighting against distance, against age, against time. It is such a hard and lonely task to be a father, and nobody really seems to understand until dad is gone.

Most people say things like "I don't know what I would do without my kids." I know what I would do. Like you, I would do whatever I could to be near them. After they grow up, in 20 years or so, I will have all the time in the world to do other things. You really did the right thing by keeping your daughter close.
Klein2 at 04:13 AM JST - 11th October

I don't really want to be inflammatory, but if Japan adopts the Hague treaty, I am concerned that all of those failed systems in place abroad will infect Japan. That is the plainest way I can say it.

This Savoie case... what a mess. A typical mess. The guy knew he was going to be disadvantaged in Japan, so he takes her to the US and divorces her quickly. She feels wronged, so she does something illegal. What a can of worms. Mr. Bickersly Bickering III and his ex wife Mrs. Bickering. I am content to let it be their personal matter. I know what King Solomon would do, but that is beside the point.

What can I say? This is a risk of marrying Japanese women. There are certainly others, and they can't be legislated away either.
igotchu at 08:51 AM JST - 11th October

Accepting the harsh realities of a failed system is difficult, but reality has to be accepted in order for change. Can anyone dispute what Longtime Residenthas written? I doubt it, those are the harsh realities of this flawed legal system and customary practice. I've mentioned before the single mother's suicide, the high school dropout rate amongst children of single parents, the juvenile crime rate among single parent households, even the declining birthrate - who wants to have a child when they know its a possibility they could lose the child, all of these social issues can find its roots in this outdated customary practice.

Klein2, you and I have been back and forth on this issue for quite some time and there are alot of points where we agree, but here my penpal friend is where we disagree again. Leaving the status quo the way it currently is, is totally unacceptable, out of the question, and no way in hell!! The benefits of change far outweigh the status quo. Single parents would have more income from child support payments, less of a burden on the welfare system, children would be more confident and mentally healthy with both parents in their lives, marriages and childbirths would increase, and the international dogma of Japan on this issue would evaporate into thin air. What country or religion do you know of that outright denies a parent access to their children after a divorce or separation during their full childhood years? I know of none.

You speak of the bond between the mother and the child, but what about the bond between the father and the child? Do you really believe that after 20 years a child who is now a young adult will come to trust the wisdom of a stranger they never knew while growing up, just because he holds the title of father? You see my friend, parenting is a bond of trust between the child and the father too that is developed over time and starts at a young age in the child's life. Who is going to teach the young boy to become a man? Is it not the right of a man to teach his seed how to be a man and to raise his child in his image? This is not Biblical, it is the natural rights of a man to the ownership of his seed. No court of law under the sun, the moon, the stars, or the heavens above has the right to deny a parent access to their child w/o unquestionable proof that it will cause harm to the child. Japan's customary practice and their courts seem to think they are doing what's in the best interest of the children when in fact they are doing the child more harm than good.

I'm not advocating totally abolishing the Family Law Statues, besides the UN Conventions on The Rights of the Child is the law here in Japan, its a good law but unenforceable and seldom used in the judicial process. What I would say we need is changes that allow joint custody; a strict enforcement measure of parental rights of access; a guaranteed number of access days per month; in international cases I believe a bond is the strongest measure to prevent kidnapping, these children must be allowed to travel; a severe penalty for those who abuse the law, including judges, police officers, public officials, and lawyers; there must be an end to racial discrimination-foreign parents must be given custody when its in the best interest of the child. There must be an overhaul of the mediation system - professional marriage counselors should be involved, in the case of international marriages foreign counselors should be included; judges should be excluded from the mediation process; lawyers should have limits placed on their involvement; and the mediation process should be totally independent from the judicial process. In order for the mediation process to work the state has to create the environment for both parties to talk, the current status of the mediation process is useless because both parties are guarded in their communications with each other. And yes, Japan should sign the Hague Convention, furthermore they need to clearly define what goes against "Public Policy" in order for them to recognize foreign courts rulings. We cannot debate this forever, time is not going to stop, our children are getting older and growing more distant from us. Lets end this foolishness once and for all.
Cicada at 04:37 PM JST - 11th October

Longtime Resident:

Denial of access invariably leads to a cessation of alimony and support payments, further aggravating the problems for the children, who grow to adulthood, permanently scarred by economic hardship and believing their father's are miserable no good so and so's.

Invariably?! Are you speaking from the experience of all your acquaintances?

If the father stopped paying alimony just because he could not have the access he wanted, the children are right to think of him as a miserable sod.
bcbrownboy at 05:55 PM JST - 11th October

Well, here we go again - we are living in a country with a first world economy, but with a third world human rights record. Japan has his head up his @ss when it comes to social issues. Grow up already!
bdiego at 08:57 AM JST - 13th October

You're talking about just Japan? There is no first world when it comes to human rights.
kokorocloud at 09:29 AM JST - 13th October

Yeah he probably wasn't the best spokesperson for this... Mr. Johnshiomi would have been a better one. There need to be more rational people willing to work things out even if the marriage goes south. I feel like that should be important to work out before you get married and make the huge decision to even have children. If you're not willing to keep that communication open and deal with that responsibility, don't have kids. Please. They shouldn't have to deal with that. Though literally running from an abusive relationship is completely understandable. No we don't know the whole truth of the matter, but if he admitted to hitting her twice, then yeah, I don't blame her for escaping and trying to protect her child.
Yelnats at 04:13 PM JST - 13th October

I would love to get divorced, but besides the one time she pulled a knife on me, we live our separate lives in my mansion in peace. The mansion is the hassle. I would loose my shirt if I sold it, and would have to declare personal bankruptcy. Try doing that at the same time as getting a divorce. Plus I have a special kid at home. 3 cool kids, and a very grouchy unhappy beautiful woman. This place is strange. I am not the only one in this boat. I know lots of others in the same situation. (What it comes down to is that people are not the same after they get married. So much is so fake during dating. If we could get people to be honest when dating, then so many bad marriages would not happen. The wife and I used to go to the beach all the time during courtship. Right after that paper was signed, she suddenly hated the beach and would not go. What gives with that?)
Longtime_resident at 05:16 PM JST - 13th October

Cicada

I am sorry to be blunt but you have no idea of what you speak.

I stated denial of any access not the access one wants.

The facts speak for themselves. Almost 50% of parents denied any access will cut off support payments.

Denial of all access rights is quite common and becomes accepted practise (even though this may be against the ruling of the Family Law Court) due to the fact the court has no enforcement capability.

Without enforcement, the system cannot work and the children affected will continue to suffer unnecessarily.

And yes I do know people who have been affected by this broken system...both male and female.
usaexpat at 12:13 AM JST - 14th October

Japan needs to get with the times and enforce joint custody of children. Women often use the children as a weapon and that should not be allowed.
Cicada at 02:39 PM JST - 14th October

Longtime Resident:

I am sorry to be blunt but you have no idea of what you speak.

Well, same to you! You made a statement and I asked a question, which you still have not answered very well.

How do you know that "denial of access invariably leads to a cessation of alimony and support payments"?

The facts speak for themselves. Almost 50% of parents denied any access will cut off support payments.

"Almost 50%" is not "invariably".

I would say that "invariably" people like you distort figures and statistics to support your agenda. So I do not even have any reason to accept your new version of "almost 50%".

Moderator: Please stay on topic and keep the discussion civil.