Increasing number of Japanese men opt for bachelorhood

TOKYO —

In Japan, the number of men and women choosing to marry later in life is on the increase and has reached a figure that can no longer be ignored. When it comes to the Japanese male demography, just why are so many choosing the single life? My Navi News asked 300 of its male readers the following question:

“Have you ever thought ‘Marriage isn’t for me’ or ‘I prefer the life of bachelorhood’?”

The results obtained were a little on the unexpected side:

Yes: 39.7%
No: 60.3%

The men who replied “yes” were asked their reasons for snubbing a life of marital bliss. 

Married men don’t look happy

“When the boss grumbles about his family, it makes me think that I’m better off single.” (27, Technician)

“Just looking at my married friends and how day by day they become more and more emaciated makes me think that I’m lucky to be single.” (25, Creative Arts)

“Hearing about the cruel way that some wives treat their husbands turns me pale with fear.”(25, Creative Arts)

“To me, married men just don’t look happy, and the more time passes, the more this look of unhappiness becomes apparent.” (36, Finance).

Not being able to spend your earnings freely

“Handing over all of your earnings to the household and being given ‘pocket money’ by the wife leaves me muttering ‘You’ve got to be kidding!’” (28, Medical care, welfare-service).

“Rather than having your wallet squeezed of its last dime, spending your earnings as you please has got to be the more appealing option.” (24, Communications)

“All your hard earnings, in the blink of an eye, disappear into the oblivion that is housekeeping!” (24, Medical care, welfare-service)

Financially-speaking, bringing up a family is difficult

“My job’s not a fixed contract, so I can imagine that bringing up a family would be a bit of a struggle.” (27, Education).

“My paycheck is too low to support a family. “  (27, Machinery)

Playing happy families with your partner’s parents is a bother

“Keeping relations with your partner’s family is bothersome to say the least.” (45, Automobile industry)

“Putting up with the nagging from the other half’s parents takes its toll.” (33, Machinery)

Partner interfering with your everyday life

“I like my own space and I can see that if I were to get married I’d lose a lot of my free time” (45, Other)

“Going on dates is admittedly a lot of fun but I’ve lived the single life for many years now. I don’t think I could bear someone else entering into my own space.” (34, Education).

Just thinking about the shackles of marriage makes me squirm

“From impressions alone, marriage means throwing your hobbies out the window.” (25, Machinery).

“Being tied down creates unwanted stress. To put it simply, being on your own gives you the freedom to do what you want when you want.” (31, Machinery)

“I like drinking and gambling but tying the knot would surely mean an end to all of this.” (26, Real estate)

I need my own space

“After the stress of work, being able to unwind alone in peace is what it’s all about for me.” (43, Electrical, gas, oil business)

“When things get busy with work and you’re not getting home until late, the last thing you want to do is keep company with the the other half.” (30, Transportation)

Other reasons included:

“Those living the single life seem to retain their youthfulness longer.” (28, Transportation)

“Just looking at my own relatives and how peculiar they are makes me think that leaving any offspring would be a mistake.” (36, Medical care, Welfare).

“I’ve got too much of a mother complex. I can’t see myself breaking away from my mother for the sake of, say, a partner.” (33, Medical care, welfare).

“I can cook better than most housewives and I’m not afraid of housework either. I’m also pretty good at my job. Bringing someone into what is essentially a more or less perfect lifestyle is simply unnecessary.” (56, IT)

On a concluding note:

The total percentage of men that replied “marriage isn’t for me” or “I prefer the life of bachelorhood” was a whopping 39.7%. This figure exceeds the percentage of female readers that replied “yes” to the same set of questions. When it comes to the single men out there, the heavy burden of providing not only financially but also emotionally for the family makes many think twice about marriage. Once you’ve embarked on the road of tying the knot, to a degree, indulging in your own interest and desires becomes increasingly difficult. This apparently leaves many a little indecisive about things.

Next are the complaints about married life that come from existing married couples; this seems to create a negative impression when it comes to the act of marriage itself, with most single men admitting that “most married couples don’t look happy”.

The idea of being deprived of your freedom is also a big factor in deterring many singletons from walking down the aisle. Not being able to go drinking with your friends, or pursuing your favorite hobby that’s kept your life so fruitful for all these years makes many lose interest in the idea of marriage completely. The idea of your hard earnings being reduced to “pocket money” is also something that sends warning signals.

Watching your friends - who during their single years had so much fun at drinking parties - suddenly being forced to leave early due to their wife’s incessant nagging brings a quick end to the night. This “creates unwanted stress” and a level of freedom comparable to little more than house-arrest, surely can’t be the ingredients of a happy life. “If this is the shape of marriage, perhaps a single life is the better option?” seem to be the type of thoughts running through the minds of many who replied “yes” to this questionnaire.

Apart from those men who spoke of not having confidence to bring up a family due to financial circumstances, the majority of men and women from both marriage questionnaires seemed to share similar opinions. Up until now, the society in which we live has, perhaps on the subconscious level, made us all believe that marriage equals happiness; but the above findings suggest to some degree that is not always the case. Being altogether a very subjective matter, the opinions on all this will undoubtedly be varied. But what you think? Let us know by leaving a message below!

Date of questionnaire: Dec 14-20, 2012

Target group: My Navi members

Interviewees: 300

Questionnaire method: Internet survey

Source: マイナビ ニュース

Read more stories on RocketNews24.
Men with ‘Nerdy’ Hobbies Describe Their Ideal Marriage Partner
Housewives: Why Carefully Managing Your Husband’s Money Leads To A Happier Home
Oh, Japan, You Make Me So Mad Sometimes!

RocketNews24

  • 12

    JeffLee

    Not surprising. Japanese cities are great places to live for bachelors. But they can be terrible for guys who want to settle down and raise a family.

  • -8

    Amanda Harlow

    They are already married. To their jobs. Sad that they don't it.

  • 10

    sakurala

    I guess this could be true for a lot of marriages but it doesn't have to be. If you find a partner that is understanding and trusting, for the most part men don't have to lose their hobbies (unless it is going to soaplands). More women are also enjoying their carrers so it doesn't have to mean handing over a paycheck. It is just a matter of finding the person that will allow you to be yourself and share your time happily.

  • 1

    semperfi

    Japan companies have employess work grueling hours at ridiculously low pay . . . ............So,when do these young people ever get a chance meet someone ? - - ---------- Not to mention those conditions make marriage prohibitive .............................Couple that, with a growing pampered generation raised on "ME, ME, ME", and some more "ME".

  • 2

    ebisen

    I'm married for 9 years, and quite happy. It seems to me that most of the persons answering the survey have absolutely to experience about living with somebody else (and of opposite sex).

    Q: When does a man ask for his (future) wife's hand?

    A: When he got bored of his own..

    Nothing to say beyond this.

  • 0

    Ewan Huzarmy

    *“I’ve got too much of a mother complex. I can’t see myself breaking away from my mother for the sake of, say, a partner.” *

    Wasn't this the top answer ?

  • 18

    sfjp330

    Most women know that working too hard in the Japanese companies is not worth for sacrificing the precious time of life. Japanese men don’t have such a choice. Most of Japanese women turn their nose up at the guys working part time. Even for a Japanese man, working in the Japanese company is very difficult. Many Japanese men are overworked, underpaid and no satisfaction. They have no time for social life.

  • 11

    ChibaChick

    Wow. Such negativity. Find the right person for you and all these are non-issues.

    But at the same time, if you expect marriage to be no different to when you are single, of course you are going to be in for disappointment. Marriage does require sacrifices - on BOTH sides. But the pay-off you get from it far outweighs anything you have to give up - IF you are with the right person.

    It does seem though, based on what friends have told me, that Japanese women do seem to be very adept at creating an image that seems to go "poof" the minute the ring is on. So perhaps no wonder many Japanese men are getting a bit leery of marriage.

    There are times when we have wanted to throw the towel in, but we have gotten over it and 10 year anniversary coming up this year. I couldnt imagine not being this mans wife. For all the ups and downs its been an amazing 10 years.

  • 3

    Maria Ybanez

    I don't want to get married yet neither. I want to enjoy my late-given independence and see what do I want in life^-^.

  • -1

    southsakai

    The men who make these statements are like little girls. Seriously. I think it's best they remain single.

    When the boss grumbles about his family, it makes me think that I’m better off single. (27, Technician)

    He is a slave to his boss.

    Just looking at my married friends and how day by day they become more and more emaciated makes me think that I’m lucky to be single. (25, Creative Arts)

    You must have very week friends.

    Hearing about the cruel way that some wives treat their husbands turns me pale with fear.(25, Creative Arts)

    These husbands have no guts, maybe treat their wives just as bad, don't spend time with their wives, probably many things. There are 2 sides of the picture.

    To me, married men just don’t look happy, and the more time passes, the more this look of unhappiness becomes apparent. (36, Finance).

    Married now 6 years. Been through a roller coaster ride. We fight, we love. Life is amazingly beautiful when you have someone to love, and be loved just the same way in return.

    All I can say is those that haven't experienced it will never know :) Relationships are 2 way and both parties husband and wife need to put in the effort to make it work.

  • 4

    Kabukilover

    This seems to follow a familiar contemporary pattern: avoid anything that seems bothersome. I was single until fairly late into my life and know the joys and pitfall of that life. There are times you are lonely. There are times when there isn't a woman there when you need her. There are also times when you need someone to manage your money. Marriage is a big chance. I took the chance and can say that I won. A lot of guys do and don't.

  • 5

    sfjp330

    southsakai Jan. 18, 2013 - 09:10AM JST All I can say is those that haven't experienced it will never know :) Relationships are 2 way and both parties husband and wife need to put in the effort to make it work.

    It's easy for you to say. Why is that in Japan, only one out of seven couple have respectful, trustworthy, and loving relationship? Of all the industrial nations, Japan's happy marriages rank near the bottom. Very few couples have relationship that you mentioned above. Let alone, next to South Korea, Japan produces very little offsprings for the future. Why is that respectful communications for many men and women is so difficult in Japan?

  • 2

    Scrote

    Let's see:

    "Married men don't look happy": Married men live longer than bachelors, on average.

    "Not being able to spend your earnings freely": You don't have to hand all your money over to your wife: I don't.

    "Financially-speaking, bringing up a family is difficult": This may be true, but you don't have to have children when you are married, just as you don't have to be married to have children.

    "Playing happy families with your partner's parents is a bother": That won't be a problem when your company transfers you to the other end of Japan.

    "Partner interfering with your everyday life": Why would you marry someone you don't like spending time with?

    "Just thinking about the shackles of marriage makes me squirm", "I need my own space": These guys would be happier by themselves in their six-mat rooms with their video games and convenience store bentos. But they'll be lucky to make it to their 50th birthday.

  • 3

    ChibaChick

    Of all the industrial nations, Japan's happy marriages rank near the bottom. Very few couples have relationship that you mentioned above. Let alone, next to South Korea, Japan produces very little offsprings for the future. Why is that respectful communications for many men and women is so difficult in Japan?

    My opinion is that they get married for different reasons to us (I hesitate to use the word "wrong" as this is a different culture) and that combined with the societal pressures - work is number 1, "my stupid wife" etc etc - is what can make marriage so miserable here. But I am no expert -just my observations.

  • 10

    FPSRussia

    I can totally understand. Marriage in Japan is NOT what we Westerners think. It's a contract. A business deal at best.

    Marrying a Japanese woman is more like marrying society itself. Society comes into your home and dictates who gets to have the easy life and who has to waste their life as the breadwinner.

    Any failure to follow societies directives results in 5 years of family court and divorce litigation. The man loses EVERYTHING. In ALL cases the winner is the woman.

    This is the reason why "kekkon" is one of the most popular topics at any Joshi-kai. Getting married is a victory for women to convince a man to sacrifice his own life in order to make hers the absolute pleasure ride. It's slavery at it's finest.

    It's not the woman's fault either. It's the man's fault. Men in this country have no backbone to complain to their government that a marriage of 24 hours does earn a woman 150k in financial benefits.

    Don't believe it, eh? That's cause you don't talk to enough people. You guys don't know the Left Behind Parents. You don't subscribe to Facebook and get all the posts delivered to you by email. You don't attend the meetings. You simply don't know.

    So yeah, if you don't want to get married....Good for you. You'd be wise not to. I know you are "in love". The summers nights are long and hot. Marriage IN Japan specifically is something you totally don't understand.

    Conforming is not compromise. There are some of you who claim success, but you can't tell me that. I know how tight the leash is around your neck. I also know it's not your wife who is pulling it. The invisible person in your home is Japan's family laws. That's what keeps you in check.

    Nobody should be married when it's not fair. To Japan's society, you are just her "Pet Gaikokujin". In the supermarket you'll pay at the cash register and they'll hand the change to the Japanese woman standing next to you without making eye contact. You are married to society, not the woman you love.

    P.S: Yeah I speak from experience.

  • 14

    ChibaChick

    Japanese friends of my husband are scandalised when I tell them how fabulous he is and how much I adore him. Apparently in order to be "polite" I have to trash him and say how crap he is as to do otherwise would be arrogant and boastful. I just cant be like that.

  • -4

    gaijinfo

    In Japan, the number of men and women choosing to marry later in life

    This is nonsense. People aren't getting married because they CAN'T for whatever reason. No social skills. No money. No clue. Making sound like a choice makes it seem like they have all these offers from ideal mates that they are turning down BECAUSE they'd rather be single.

    Hogwash.

  • 3

    hidingout

    The number of men who answer "yes" to this question is only going to keep increasing - and not only in Japan. I wholeheartedly agree with most of the responses given by participants in this survey. If you really want children I can see how marriage might be the way to go, beyond that I see very little benefit to the idea.

  • 11

    JA_Cruise

    I can relate to the questionaires and let's face it, marriage is not for everyone and you need to respect that. If you cannot find a compatible partner, then better off not marrying the wrong one and getting a divorce later. The pressure to marry in Japan is so much and when people choose not to, people think something is wrong with them. Society says find one person and be with that person for the rest of your life. ManyJapanese guys I know cheat on their wives anyway and spend little time with their kids. Did they choose the right path? I think happy marriages on the whole is a minority.

  • 9

    Mocheake

    Although I'm happily married, the reasons given are legitimate. Marriage is tough work and if you don't think you can hack it, don't get married.

  • 3

    ChibaChick

    FPSRussia - SO sorry for your tough time. You have obviously, like so many others, been through hell. I hope that one day you can let go of the past and find someone that makes you truly happy. There ARE good women out there. I swear it! :)

  • 8

    Yubaru

    “Just looking at my own relatives and how peculiar they are makes me think that leaving any offspring would be a mistake.”

    I love this response! Although it's not a great reason to not get married as there are no rules stating that kids are required, and the obvious that you don't need to be married to have them, it's still a great line!

    Personally speaking I have been married for nearly 30 years....yeah it takes work.

    Some of the misconceptions put here in comments in the article are due as I see it to a lack of information or ignorance about what marriage is about in the first place.

    Marriage isnt for everyone true, but I like going home to a house that has people living in it.

  • -6

    humanrights

    Get a Man-like Character, it helps.

  • 7

    Zen student

    @FPSRussia.

    My God, what did this country DO to you?

    A lot of what you said is true, but only if the guy is a 'sucker' and allows himself to fall into those traps. There are many spineless J guys out there who are suckers for punishment and so they only have themselves to blame for getting into that mess in the first place. My advice to guys out there is: REALLY make sure you know your woman well, before you decide to tie the knot. Make sure you excavate all those ugly sides/traits and decide whether you can put up with them first before proposing.

    The pressures of conforming to Japanese society are very strong but many of the problems you just mentioned can be avoided if you take your wife out of Japan and back to your home country. Problem solved.

    There are some of you who claim success, but you can't tell me that

    That's a pretty bold statement. Do you really think your sad story automatically applies to everyone else?

    The invisible person in your home is Japan's family laws.

    I agree with this to some extent. Then again, it is still up to you. People are often under the illusion that they 'don't have a choice'. Well, let me tell you - you always have a choice.

    I'm also talking from experience. I was once married, miserably married. But decided I was not going to put up with this bad deal for the rest of my life. So, some decisive action. Divorce. Then some time later, I met the ideal woman for me and we are extremely happy now.

  • 10

    Tamarama

    I've just spent a couple of weeks in and around my wife's family over the Oshogatsu period. She has two sisters who are married with kids. To me, neither marriage looks particularly happy and one of the sisters confided that that is definitely the case. The mothers seem to exist for their kids almost exclusively and whilst one father is good with his kids and as much a part of their lives as he can be, the other kind of skulks around in a semi detached state and even in that communal and festive time gets plenty of tongue lashing from his wife. Neither look happy, and it seems in the latter's case, his attractive wife made the move quite swiftly on meeting him seeing that he graduated from one of Japan's top Universities and earns a decent amount of coin - perfect husband material.

    They are both good guys and the girls are great people too, but they don't look real happy in their marriages to me. It

  • 0

    cleo

    The answers seem to suggest that these people are pretty sad. They're obviously not ready for marriage, and have made the right decision. When they're more mature, their ideas may change. Otherwise they should stay single, that way they avoid making their partner as unhappy as they are.

  • 7

    zenkan

    The end of the article says that society may have given the impression that marriage equals happiness "on a subconscious level". Is this a joke? "Marriage equals hapiness" is thrust down our throats on a daily basis thanks to wedding "companies". Then, when it isn't being equated with happiness, there is the constant reaffirmation in society and the media that marriage is "the right way" or "the natural choice" and such like. Poppycock! The amount of hype associated with the marriage industry is appalling. By the way, people who decide not to marry are not denying human relationships - don't doom them to a life alone, staring at the walls: they still have a life, it's just not a married life.

  • 2

    jessebaybay

    hmm, after thinking about it and reading the article I would fall into the category of people that said "yes".

    I have 4 siblings all of whom are married with children. Im the youngest in the family at 25. Having 14 nieces and nephews has really opened my eyes. I love being an uncle, but seeing the strain of kids first hand on my brothers and sisters is clear. I don't think I want to get married or have kids. Or at the very least not until im in my mid 30's. Some people might say I will change my mind, sure I might change my mind, but for now and into the forceable future it's a big fat no.

    Everything that was said above by in the article is relatively true enough. I see it in my own family and also in my friends who have tied the knot.

  • 10

    hidingout

    The answers seem to suggest that these people are pretty sad. They're obviously not ready for marriage, and have made the right decision. When they're more mature, their ideas may change. Otherwise they should stay single, that way they avoid making their partner as unhappy as they are.

    Respectfully I find this response insulting. I read the responses and most of them are saying that they are happy with their lives as single men. Why do you say they seem sad?

    I'll also take exception to the phrase "ready for marriage" .... like we are all just gestating or something until that special moment when we realize that we have grown enough as humans to enter into a binding contract that has few attractive features.

    Finally I wonder if you checked the ages of the respondents .... plenty of them were over thirty. Does this - “I can cook better than most housewives and I’m not afraid of housework either. I’m also pretty good at my job. Bringing someone into what is essentially a more or less perfect lifestyle is simply unnecessary.” (56, IT) - sound like the comment of a person who just needs to get "more mature"?

  • 7

    bicultural

    There's nothing quite like seeing your daughter's eyes light up and her exclaiming "papa!" accompanied by a big smile, minus a few teeth. Money can't buy that. Yeah, it takes work living in the same house as another human, especially if they are of the opposite gender. The answer is not being more "manly" as some suggest. (I highly doubt they are married). It is about caring. Sure, I have less money and time to myself. I can't remember the last time I bought an article of clothing for myself. But I don't think of it as a "sacrifice." Trust me, young J-men, it's worth it.

  • 1

    FPSRussia

    @Zen Student

    What did this country DO to you?

    Well, I'm one of those guys that NEVER wanted to get married. Had no interest in it at all, in fact. I'm the victim of a woman who wanted marriage so bad she lied and falsified documents to achieve it. *I must be so endowed.

    Anyway, my story goes beyond your imagination and is down right disgusting. This is one of the reasons why I'm so adamantly opposed to the "concept" of marriage itself here in this nation.

    My friends nicknamed me "Mr. Senkaku". Just another thing Japan claims belongs to it. Marriage is such a sham here. No proposal, no wedding photos, no invitations, no rings, never met my family, no honeymoon. Absolutely nothing that you would associate with the process of marriage. Just one big bureaucratic lie and then you are imprisoned.

    Marriage here, in this country, is just not right. What you see, the western style wedding, are nothing more than an expensive facade that does not fit the business style template of Japan's archaic family laws.

    This article makes me think Japanese men are getting smarter. However, I'd say it has more to do with economic difficulties they have experienced after 3/11 hurt the economy. Trust me, if they had the money, they'd get married, get divorced and still have enough to do it all over again as they did during the bubble economy.

    Marriage has more to do with finance in this country than romance.

  • 1

    Yubaru

    Bringing someone into what is essentially a more or less perfect lifestyle is simply unnecessary.” (56, IT) - sound like the comment of a person who just needs to get "more mature"?

    Maybe it means that their image or definition of marriage is that of a woman, who like their mother does everything for them, and they obviously don't need that because they do very well on their own?!?!

    They don't view or think of marriage as a partnership perhaps?

  • -2

    Yubaru

    Absolutely nothing that you would associate with the process of marriage.

    Not going to hen peck all of what you wrote but just say this, speak for yourself and please learn to use the word "I" as in "Absolutely nothing that I expected would be associated with the process of marriage."

    It's an international marriage, and YOUR expectations vs reality here need to be balanced out. If you want to make it work you have to learn to adapt along with your partner as well. You both made an obvious choice to marry each other so you both obviously have to make adjustments for your different nationalities and customs.

    Dude I KNOW, I'm in one and have been married to a Japanese woman, living here all over this country for nearly 30 years.

    Marriage here, in this country, is just not right. What you see, the western style wedding, are nothing more than an expensive facade that does not fit the business style template of Japan's archaic family laws.

    Even though you see the "western style" wedding many times the tradiional Japanese one is held before or afterwards too. It's a facade and part of the business and image of what a "wedding event" should be. It has nothing to do with anything really other than a show.

  • 3

    sakurala

    FPS Russia: Sorry to hear that a she-demon falsified documents to make you married on paper. Were you able to get it nullified? A for no proposal, ring and such, my marriage was the same. But that is because we both prefer the simple life. We did wedding photos when they were on sale and we bought rings well after signing the papers. No wedding, no big party but we did have a nice honeymoon to celebrate our love.

    Maria: if you meet the right guy, you can remain relatively independent. I am pregnant now but before I traveled to where I wanted and when I wanted. I use my money how I want to and don't leech of my hubby. It may be difficult for people to imagine but if you find the right person, marriage is less like a ball and chain and more like a soft pillow :D

  • 4

    Onniyama

    So? Some people do not want to get married. Leave them alone. Most marriages in Japan are an arrangement. Not love based. Obviously some modern guys do not want to get into this. That is their choice. I can respect that.

  • 0

    FPSRussia

    @yubaru.

    Don't you need someone's consent before getting married. I never gave my consent.

    Or maybe you feel Japanese women can marry anybody they want.

    Do you understand "consent"?

    No, Japan has this idea they can claim anything they want. That's not marriage.

  • 1

    The passage

    No trace of selfishness in most of the reasons given, huh? And actually, not much trace of what a marriage is either, so maybe the author is off topic?

    @FPS - choose the people you socialise with carefully! There is no way you can be married without some of your personal documentation or signatures being offered. If people get so close to you that they take advantage, you might be mixing in the wrong circles. Be careful!

  • -2

    FPSRussia

    @Yubura

    P.S.

    It's an international marriage, and YOUR expectations vs reality here need to be balanced out. If you want to make it work you have to learn to adapt along with your partner as well.

    Just to add. That statement...."things being balanced out" is an illusion. How can ever expect to achieve balance when the situation is 33.3, 33.3, 33.3. That is not balance. Oh wait a minute. Allow me to clarify. 33.3% you, 33.3 your wife, 33.3 Family Court and Japan's laws. 33.3 + 33.3 = 66.6 OMG!!!!! It's the devil. Me against the Devil.

    I got news for you. Your religion, your ideas, the things you want DO NOT apply. They don't amount for anything all the way to the Tokyo Appeals court. It's their way or the highway and that is not balance.

    I'm talking to everybody here. Read me and believe me when I tell you. If you are Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Catholic, your ways and your understanding that you are in a state of marriage do NOT apply here.

    Marriage here is bureaucratic. It's an arrangement that you will financially support the Japanese woman and nothing more. Doesn't matter if she never cooked for you, never slept with you, never met your family. EVEN if you have rock solid evidence as "I" did, showing that you did not wish to get married. It doesn't matter. If she wants you, all she has to do is forge your signature, steal your passport information, lie to you, and submit it.

    Marriage here is like the old days when cavemen used to club a woman over a head and drag her to his cave. Today women are doing that more and more. So I understand these Japanese men who want to hold off or avoid marriage altogether. Men are in a weak position when it comes to family law.

    Nowadays the women don't even have to change their names. It's all about money and nothing about love. That's why I don't go to weddings when invited. I hate to see a man condemned

  • 5

    Yubaru

    I'm talking to everybody here. Read me and believe me when I tell you. If you are Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Catholic, your ways and your understanding that you are in a state of marriage do NOT apply here.

    As it rightly should be as well. It's a secular not religious state. Live and learn.

    Don't you need someone's consent before getting married. I never gave my consent. Do you understand "consent"?

    Do you understand rape? That's what you are describing.

    I find it hard to believe that you got or allowed yourself to "get married" if you didnt want to in the first place. You could have always jumped on an airplane, or just walk out the door.

    You had to allow something to happen and you have to take responsibility for it too.

  • 1

    tmarie

    The answers seem to suggest that these people are pretty sad. They're obviously not ready for marriage, and have made the right decision. When they're more mature, their ideas may change. Otherwise they should stay single, that way they avoid making their partner as unhappy as they are.

    Why do you need to trash them for their decisions? Many of them brought up VERY valid points. Not wanting to get married doesn't make them "sad" or immature. If anything, I think many are pretty spot on with how MANY marriages are in this country. Very few people are actually happily married. There are indeed exceptions but as these guys have pointed out, not everyone is happy, many don't want a leech of a wife and many want to enjoy their life. Nothing sad about that at all. If anything IS sad it is those that get married because of pressure from parents/society and then go onto lead a very unhappy life knowing that they made a mistake in getting married in the first place.

  • -1

    FPSRussia

    Marriage can be abused. The concept itself can be twisted for financial gain.
    There are countless fraudulent marriages out there. Immigration spends tons of money investigating couples who are marrying only for immigration.

    Here I am screaming at the top of my lungs that this marriage is a fraud and yet immigration and the courts do nothing about it. Deport me please. This is a load of cow dung. I never got married. Double standards Yubaru, lots of them.

    You don't have to believe it. My message is not really for you. Other Westerners and non-Japanese are reading though. I pray they know the truth.

  • 4

    Ian Duncan

    “Just looking at my married friends and how day by day they become more and more emaciated makes me think that I’m lucky to be single.” (25, Creative Arts)

    Shouldn't this read, "more and more emasculated"?

  • 7

    Onniyama

    tmarie. Well said. I do not understand all this trashing either. I agree with you that getting married just to be married is most sad of all.

  • 2

    oikawa

    FPSRussia

    You're saying your "wife" actually forged your signature on the marriage document? When I got married I was surprised how easy it was to officially do, but don't you both at least need to be there?

  • -7

    cleo

    Does this - “I can cook better than most housewives and I’m not afraid of housework either. I’m also pretty good at my job. Bringing someone into what is essentially a more or less perfect lifestyle is simply unnecessary.” (56, IT) - sound like the comment of a person who just needs to get "more mature"?

    It sounds like the comment of a sad person who thinks the only advantage to getting married is having someone to do the cooking and cleaning for you. The comment of a person who has No Idea what it's all about.

    bicultural knows what it's all about.

    Look, if people don't want to get married, that's fine. No one is 'trashing' that decision. I had no intention of ever getting married - till I met Mr cleo and the prospect and possibilities of a shared life became apparent and infinitely appealing.

    What bugs me is the pathetic reasons - I can cook for myself (good for you, hope you enjoy eating alone, too) - I'd have to give up my hobbies (ever considered marrying a soulmate who shares the same hobbies?) - Some wives treat their husbands cruel (marry someone nice?) - It's my money (fine, grow old with your bank account, see how much comfort it brings you).

  • 1

    The passage

    Ignorance and not knowing don't make you a bad person.

    Ah, agreed. You are not a bad person FPS for not knowing about her. But again, be careful of the choices you make when making acquaintances - its very important.

    Why do you need to trash them for their decisions?

    tmarie - come on! These guys have given up on life based on urban legends and cultural stereotyping. It's their job to actually help break the cycle, not sit back and whine about it. What would be really interesting would be to identify how many of the respondees still live with parents, specifically with the mother. FHS, no one is saying marry the wrong person!

  • 2

    cleo

    When I got married I was surprised how easy it was to officially do, but don't you both at least need to be there?

    Actually neither need 'be there' - so long as all the i's are dotted and t's crossed (as it were) and all the signatures and hankos are in the right places and properly countersigned and stamped by the witnesses, anyone can hand in the papers. (Might need a letter of authorisation). It used to be common practice for a family member to see the happy couple off on honeymoon after the wedding, then drop in at the shiyakusho on the way home to hand in the papers and make it official. (Nowadays, more couples are doing the paperwork themselves well before the wedding).

    If what FPSRussia says is true, he needs to sue the witnesses who certified that his signature and hanko were authentic. But something tells me we don't have the whole story. What does religion have to do with it? And my memory isn't very clear on this point ('twas a long time ago), but Japanese people getting married have to submit a recent copy of their family register to show that they are not already married - don't non-Japanese have to submit official proof of their freedom to marry?

  • 0

    timeon

    Oikawa, only one person can also submit the marriage papers, as long as both inkans and the inkans of two witnesses are applied. You don't have to forge anything, you just "borrow" the seal of your partner. Actually, you can even get married by proxy, and neither of you has to be there.

    • Moderator

      Back on topic please.

  • -1

    oikawa

    Don't forget that who the respondents to this survey were hardly makes it the most scientific of surveys. 300 subscribers to a specific internet news site, who presumably could be bothered to complete the survey, lends itself to a great deal of bias. It would have been interesting to have seen the figures for the female readers, but they just brush over them saying they were lower, which leads to suspicion that they were not that different. As it is 39.7% doesn't mean much as a stand alone figure.

  • -1

    oikawa

    timeon,cleo

    Thanks for the info. I don't remember the procedure very well.

  • -1

    tmarie

    Cleo, Not needing someone to cook and clean is a fine reason not to get married - because this is often how marriage IS seen here. If not, why are so many women quitting work once they get married? The men don't force them. This is what many think marriage is. Certainly not what I think it is but as pointed out, many in this country see it as a contract. Man gives money, wife looks after home. Period. If a man can do that on his own, what's the point of a wife?? None. Hence the comments.

  • -6

    The passage

    Cleo, you are trashing. Not needing someone to cook and clean is a fine reason not to get married - because this is often how marriage IS seen here. If not, why are so many women quitting work once they get married? The men don't force them. This is what many think marriage is. Certainly not what I think it is but as pointed out, many in this country see it as a contract. Man gives money, wife looks after home. Period. If a man can do that on his own, what's the point of a wife?? None. Hence the comments.

    No one forces the man either, which is why all these people are sad, and something needs to chance. Looks like you accept the status quo, and that you think they are right to avoid marriage. Can't quite get my head around that completely, because it looks like you also feel it is wrong.

  • 1

    tmarie

    Um, I'm married. I don't have your typical Japanese marriage which could be why I am happily married. Nothing sad when people have valid reasons NOT to marry. What is sad is when people who don't want to get married get married due to pressure.

  • 2

    GW

    Man, this is the first blurb of this sort where I tend to agree with most, certainly not all of the respondents comments! Even though they are a little selfish but only a little

    First off, admit it, the majority of married couples in Japan have a pretty poor life, they are not to be envied in any way shape or form. Japanese single or married are typically not good at enjoying themselves so many are off to a bad start from the get go!

    Also as many pointed out many marriages are more like contracts, love not much a part of it so after a few years of that of course they will drift apart, pretty much a given! Add in kids............the Mrs & I wanted but THANKFULLY in the end we didnt, cheers though to all you who do, love'em & your spouse, but taking a look at the typical J-marriage............sorry very little of that in evidence, with kids most J-spouses affection(if there was any) disappears for good.

    And one thing about being non-Japanese is that WE have WAY MORE FREEDOM than the locals, taking advantage of that can make your life(& if married your J-spouse) a LOT easier, less stressfull.

    I am happily married now 18years, but looking around the mrs & I are a rarity. It would be great if more Japanese were willing to make their lives better, more fun, but most dont.

    At least 40% of these guys can see clearly, my bet is they are happier than the other 60% surveyed!

  • -5

    Betraythetrust!

    Most of the answers are idiotic and childish, i would expect these responses from a bunch of school kids. Most of the men sound selfish and do not seem to deserve a wife and a kids who need to be cared for unselfishly. Marriage is what you make of it, you need to work at it , you need to compromise and think about the pros and cons. In my marriage we agreed that i would be the breadwinner and my wife would look after the house and kids of we had any. This works great for us, we both work hard at out jobs, i make good money to provide, make plenty of time for the family and my wife works non stop looking after us all.

    One thing i can agree is stupid is the pocket money thing. We do not have that in our house, we have a place in house where money is kept and either of us can take at anytime and bills are direct debit, You need trust though in your spouse and if you cannot trust them with your money do not marry them.

  • 7

    Serrano

    This reminds me of a Dilbert comic:

    Dilbert, to garbageman: My job really sucks.

    Garbageman: Get married to a awful woman and have a bunch of kids.

    Dilbert: That sounds awful.

    Garbageman: You won't believe how much you enjoy being at work.

  • 0

    megosaa

    what about a same survey for the females??!

  • -9

    tmarie

    **you need to compromise and think about the pros and cons. In my marriage we agreed that i would be the breadwinner and my wife would look after the house and kids of we had any. This works great for us, we both work hard at out jobs, i make good money to provide, make plenty of time for the family and my wife works non stop looking after us all. **

    And yet you bash those of us who don't think women "have" to stay at home. Where is your compromise then? Immature for knowing they don't want to get married? Good lord.

  • -3

    Serrano

    "I can cook better than most housewives"

    Though I believe that may not be false in his case, most Japanese men I know can't even cook curry rice in ready-made packs. Well, they can, but they sure don't want to be bothered, they'd rather go to Sukiya, lol.

  • 2

    Betraythetrust!

    @Tmarie

    I have NEVER said women HAVE to stay at home. I said their answers were idiotic and childish not what they are, please read my posts more carefully in future, thank you.

  • 0

    sighclops

    Going by the sheer volume of goukon / kekkon ads that get rammed down our throats on the trains each and every day, I'm actually surprised by this!

  • -2

    The passage

    Nothing sad when people have valid reasons NOT to marry.

    That being a major sticking point tmarie, as I don't believe they are valid. I think they are selfish. No one said finding the right partner is easy, but sticking ones head in the sand is not the best approach.

  • 0

    Zenpun

    Japanese race will disappear within 80 yrs if that trend goes on. Currently Japanese women birth rate is very low. Although that article is not about demographic, many Japanese bachelors are contributing the extinction of Japanese race. Japan net immigration is also very low. The only choice for J Women is married with foreigners. However it will cause too much headache for authority for child custody if the relationship break down.

    Mount Fuji is an extinct volcano. Due to the earthquake and crust, it will become active in the future. Unwilling J Men needs some financial incentive and less stressful married life for become active like mount Fuji.

  • 5

    jessebaybay

    I dont understand why people are bashing on these guys for not getting married. Please scroll up and read my comment about me most likely falling into the 40% yes. Further more Im not even actively searching for a girlfriend. I have decided that 2013 will be about pursing my career and having my business become successful. I also want to focus heavily on my fitness and on top of that I want to travel for an extended amount of time. Girls aren't even on the radar at the moment.

    If any one is to say im childish or selfish for having such ambition / goals, they're are just being silly. Some people above have said that these guys are married to their jobs. Is there anything wrong with that?

    I just don't see how not wanting to get married is a selfish act. How so? If you don't want kids and dont want to be married who are you being selfish too? Your unborn children? Or perhaps your non existent wife?

    Marriage / kids - there is no right or wrong decision, simply your own (and to each his own).

  • 1

    Tessa

    I have decided that 2013 will be about pursing my career and having my business become successful. I also want to focus heavily on my fitness and on top of that I want to travel for an extended amount of time.

    jessebaybay, that is exactly what I want to do this year. In fact, I've shared my new year's resolutions with friends and co-workers, and they've all been extremely supportive. Nobody told me that I was being selfish, on the contrary they seem a bit envious, whether married or single.

  • 4

    hidingout

    It sounds like the comment of a sad person who thinks the only advantage to getting married is having someone to do the cooking and cleaning for you.

    Wow. I'm shocked, and I don't shock easily. When I read your first response to this article I assumed you were calling these men "sad" as in "not happy". Now I see that you mean "sad" as in "pathetic". You do realize that's prejudice, right?

    Regarding the gentleman's comment .... you read what you want there. Perhaps he just likes cooking and cleaning and takes pride in taking care of himself. I'm not sure why you have to take the worst possible interpretation of his words. Either way, while it may be sexist, it certainly isn't an "immature" comment as you originally claimed.

    The comment of a person who has No Idea what it's all about.

    Life is different things to different people, you'd have to be pretty big-headed to declare that you know what its all about. I have no idea why you and some others are getting so rude with your comments on this topic. Perhaps you envy those folks enjoying their single lives .... misery loves company and all that.

    What bugs me is the pathetic reasons

    Again with the pathetic? The only reason I saw that was perhaps a bit pathetic was the guy who said he could never "break away from" his mother. But I won't judge him as harshly as you do because maybe his mother is a widow living on a fixed pension and he an only child - we all know how many wives are going to be accommodating of that situation.

    I can cook for myself (good for you, hope you enjoy eating alone, too)

    Again with the worst possible interpretation - perhaps he eats with his girlfriend or other friends whenever he likes.

    I'd have to give up my hobbies (ever considered marrying a soulmate who shares the same hobbies?)

    Nothing wrecks a hobby faster than having a wife breathing down your neck. And "soulmates" don't exist. That term is made up fantasyland drivel that sensible people stopped using when they reached adulthood.

    Some wives treat their husbands cruel (marry someone nice?)

    Or don't marry at all and avoid the risk of of finding out later what a shrew you've gotten yourself attached to.

    It's my money (fine, grow old with your bank account, see how much comfort it brings you).

    This right here is one of the weakest arguments there is for marriage. Whenever I ask female acquaintances why they are so eager to get married the first thing they all say is "I'm afraid to be alone when I get old". Like getting married somehow guarantees that you won't be alone on your old age anyway. Money on the other hand lasts forever. Guaranteed.

  • 4

    hidingout

    I think they are selfish. No one said finding the right partner is easy, but sticking ones head in the sand is not the best approach.

    So what if its selfish as long as it doesn't infringe on your right to do as you like? You say living a single life is "sticking your head in the sand" , I say getting married is blindly following a custom that has clearly outlived its usefulness just because you lack the imagination required to find a better alternative.

  • -1

    tmarie

    The passage, it doesn't matter if you think the reasons are immature. They aren't hurting anyone and I think it's rather mature to have at least thought about it. How many idiots out there think marriage is "happily ever after" like the fairy tales?" If anyone is immature it'd be them.

    What I think is selfish are the folks who think marriage means a wife quits her job and has sprigs while expecting a man to go and work his guts out and be the only income earner. That's selfish. These guys are bucking a crappy system and living their lives rather happily it seems. Nothing wrong with that and lord knows Japan needs more happy people if one were to go by the happiness index.

    What immature and selfish is the people who think they can look down on others for not found what they've done. These guys aren't costing you a dime so no need to be so harsh.

  • 0

    jessebaybay

    jessebaybay, that is exactly what I want to do this year. In fact, I've shared my new year's resolutions with friends and co-workers, and they've all been extremely supportive. Nobody told me that I was being selfish, on the contrary they seem a bit envious, whether married or single.

    Haha, good to hear tessa, im really putting my all into this year!

  • -3

    The passage

    What immature and selfish is the people who think they can look down on others for not found what they've done. These guys aren't costing you a dime so no need to be so harsh.

    I don't about immature, but my observation of them is selfish. This is why I would love to know if they still live at home or not, as they would be serviced by the loving mother that you describe so well. Really is time to change the culture if needed, and not avoid it.

    What I think is selfish are the folks who think marriage means a wife quits her job and has sprigs while expecting a man to go and work his guts out and be the only income earner.

    Getting married before you had a good idea of what your partner wants in life is a sure fire recipe to end up like one of the caricatures listed above that result in these guys not wanting to get married in the first place. That's called passive, and isn't how life is meant to be lived - which is..........er......sad!

  • 2

    jessebaybay

    The passageJAN. 18, 2013 - 07:12PM JST I don't about immature, but my observation of them is selfish.

    I have a question though, who are they being selfish to? Society? Not wanting to do something for personal comfort could be deemed as being selfish. But if it does not effect any one else, does it really matter and is it selfish? Heres an example.

    Everyone is going on a school trip, going on the school trip does not effect your grade. The school trip is on a saturday. You can either go or not go. I don't want to go cause I want to play baseball with my friends instead, as I think it would be more fun. That's basically what marriages is. An *optional trip or 'journey' if you would. Not going on it doesn't effect any one but yourself. Choosing not to do it isn't selfish no matter what the circumstances.

    ps. i know thats a pretty lame analogy :)

  • 0

    The passage

    @jessebay

    Further more Im not even actively searching for a girlfriend. I have decided that 2013 will be about pursing my career and having my business become successful. I also want to focus heavily on my fitness and on top of that I want to travel for an extended amount of time. Girls aren't even on the radar at the moment.

    These are cool reasons - you are filled with very positive thoughts and are forward looking, the guys above are just complaining about the shortcomings of someone else - big difference. As someone else commented, the Darwin effect will kick in, and the Japanese race could end up being a minority in its own country!

  • 0

    jessebaybay

    @The passage Ahh, well I didn't really look at it like that. I guess your above question is warranted then, albeit they were asked why they don't want to get married. I doubt many people would give positive reasons when asked that.

  • 0

    The passage

    @jessebay #2 (our comments crossed)

    devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

    Lifted from the dictionary. I'm basing it on this expression, which I agree is pretty broad. In your expression, I think you are suggesting it is at the "expense" of others, which is a valid use of "selfish" in my view, but not what I'm getting at, unless you consider (for example) the guy who doesn't want a partner because he has his mum to do everything he might expect of that partner. That would match your use of the word AND add stupidity (i,e, the mother really should kick him out since he is 33 FHS!!).

  • 5

    Tamarama

    I don't see their comments as selfish either.

    In fact, I think they SHOULD be a little circumspect about marriage - it is a wise thing to do to take your time and get the lay of the land in life, you make better decisions that way. Nothing wrong with them getting married in their 30's if it saves them from making a bad mistake in their 20's. Nothing wrong with not getting married if it saves you from marrying the wrong person. That's sensible, not selfish.

    All through my 20's I had a creeping feeling marriage was just not going to be for me. I had a couple of girlfriends that wanted to, but I just couldn't do it. The irony within the context of this conversation is that it took a certain special Japanese girl to make me go; "Hellooooo comet!" Got married at 34.

  • 5

    badsey3

    Marriage takes two committed people. -if only 1 is committed it will not work. Even if your economic situation (combined) is poor you could live together and pool resources to save.

    People need to be patient and date more. Nothing wrong with dating for years. Take classes together cooking, dancing etc -to learn about the other person better. These people that go on quick dates and sleep around are a poor example. Find older married people for a better example.

    Wealth is built in great families. Once you can understand that you will both be committed to be successful. =Better food, better health, better love, better $$$.

    If Japan is not working out for your family then you should leave for something else better. -and hopefully the Gov of Japan will start listening.

  • 0

    tmarie

    What on earth is selfish about not wanting to get married?

  • 4

    kansaifun

    I can certainly understand these J-bachelors...

    If I had a time machine, my J-wife would destroy it...

  • 0

    Dalkrin

    As a 30 year old American man, I can well identify with plenty of the Japanese rationales given here. My number one reason? Sex is too important to me to consider getting married. After a honeymoon of 2-3 years, forget about it.

  • 2

    Daijoboots

    "Just looking at my own relatives and how peculiar they are makes me think that leaving any offspring would be a mistake."

    Haha. I often think something similar - subsitute with "just looking in the mirror and how peculiar I am."

    Just when I thought the quotes sounded very natural I look at the original source, and it seems Rocket like to be a bit loose with quite a few of their translations.

    As for marriage, I'm worried that it would take a turn south at some point.

  • 5

    Daijoboots

    Life is different things to different people, you'd have to be pretty big-headed to declare that you know what its all about.

    Ouch. That zinger's on fire.

  • -3

    letsberealistic

    Marriage depends entirely on how much each partner respects and cares for the other, so yeah, if you marry a person that does not totally respect and love you unconditionally then life ain't gonna be much fun. If you marry the 'right' partner for you you can have your hobbies, your own free-time and your own money AND you get to have someone you think is cool around to laugh with, watch movies and go on trips with.

    Married 2 years, and just gets better.

  • -4

    letsberealistic

    Oh one more thing; marriage is like anything worthwhile in life, like completing a degree, or becoming good at your job or sport or losing weight and keeping healthy - there will be times when it is hard and you want to quit but those that are strong and keep at it get all the rewards. Nothing worth having in life is 'easy' and that's a GOOD thing because you grow and enjoy life more because of the trials and effort.

    These young men who are afraid of losing their independence are also perhaps not strong enough to cope with big challenges in life and prefer an 'easy' but less rewarding life. Or maybe not.

  • 0

    GW

    LBRealistic,

    First off lets be realistic(sorry haha), only 2years married..........you need another 8years or so before you have an idea if your ok or not & even then ..........

    And if your a guy in Japan, wifes Japanese, any kids yet?? If not & your planning for some, hate to say it but you enter the crap shoot phase, with kids the odds drop to 50% or worse shogainai.

    I know your thinking I am nuts/wrong, but I have seen things for a long time & the above is, admitedly sad, its also quite true!

    Good luck to you though

  • -1

    Kabukilover

    Yes, ChibaChick, it is true: If you are happily married in Japan you have to keep it to yourself.

  • 0

    hidingout

    Yes, ChibaChick, it is true: If you are happily married in Japan you have to keep it to yourself.

    Given the tenor of some of the comments here it would appear that those who are happily single should do the same.

  • 0

    tmarie

    Kabuki, I 100% disagree. The thing is though, I'm married to a J guy. And while many like to slag them off, none of the "horror" stories even come close to those I've heard about being in a bad marriage to a j wife. Perhaps the happily married ones are quiet and that's a shame if they are because Japan needs more happy marriage stories.

  • -1

    cleo

    If you are happily married in Japan you have to keep it to yourself.

    No you don't.

  • 0

    Martine Müller

    I am happily married and I think everybody misses out of the ups and downs shared, children, family. There is nothing better than going home to someone who loves you and vice versa. Although if someone is unhappy married, get out and run as fast as you can. Never be attached to someone and you are not happy.

    Never give up on romance ...

  • 1

    Tessa

    There is nothing better than going home to someone who loves you and vice versa.

    If I want that, I'll get a poodle.

    To me, honestly speaking there is is nothing better than going home and finding everything in place, just the way I left it. No mess to clean up but mine. No bills to pay except the ones that I have accrued. No needing to account to anybody for my every thought and action. No having to explain why I just suddenly decided to take a weekend off and go cruising. Now don't get me wrong: I work with a lot of mothers and kids, and I respect them all. But there's no way you'd ever get me to change places.

  • -2

    tmarie

    Tessa, can 100% support that - and miss it. As a former "I will never get married" girl, I am happy I did but it certainly isn't for everyone and why some look down on those single is beyond me. To each his own as long as it doesn't hurt anyone or cost me money! ;)

    Martine, marriage doesn't equal kids. Just like being single doesn't equal being lonely. You can go home to someone and not be married! Lord knows many out there are doing it these says!

  • 0

    Vijayalakshmi Naidu

    If you get married to the person you love, marriage could be a true blessing. There are so many things to do in life and sharing them with your life partner makes it all the more meaningful. Just imagine you have something to look forward to when you come back home after a tired day at office. True all marriages have their ups and downs but the security of knowing that you have a partner for life is very fulfilling. Get married to the love of your life and I'm sure theres no looking back.

  • 0

    tmarie

    Security for life? See this is exactly why I roll my eyes at people who push the fairy tale. Many marriages end in divorce. Some tragically end in death. If you expect sunshine and rainbows due to marriage - and eternal love - you probably are too, shall we say, immature for marriage. Not to mention that marrying for love is a recent and western concept. One gaining here but perhaps that explain the increase in divorce as well.

  • 3

    jessebaybay

    We also need to take into account the difference in human social behaviours and how each persons brain functions. For instance I can happily enjoy being by myself for extended periods of time. I'm a little introverted like that, I find Im my most creative when alone. As a designer, being alone is great for my work. I don't however consider myself lonely. If I didn't have my own 'me time', I know I would become a real pain to my family and friends. Extended amounts of human interaction becomes exhausting.

    On the opposite end of the scale some people require human interaction on a regular basis, and being by themselves for extended periods of time can be stressful.

    We can't really ever comprehend the other end of the stick or what it's like to not be yourself. So to say being unmarried or single is to be lonely, is simply not true.

  • 0

    Mark Utnehmer

    Most people get married because of, Love At First Site..sometimes referred to by its acronym L.. A. F.S pronounced Laughs. So basically they get married for laughs.

  • 4

    Shanique Smith

    Not everyone will marry. Some people are best being alone. They are more comfortable with themseles that way. To each his own. Some of the reasons cited may not sound rational, but are good enough for them. Married life is not for everyone and vice versa, not everyone is cut-out for single life.

  • 2

    ambrosia

    How in the world is staying single "selfish"? Plenty have tossed that word around but none have properly explained it. How is getting married "unselfish" for that matter? Do only unselfish people get married? If you don't want to get married, for whatever reason, isn't that an unselfish thing, rather than getting married out of some sense of pressure or obligation?

    Does being unmarried mean you're incapable of being in a loving relationship? If you think so, you might want to let Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts and the other nearly 7.5 million co-habitating U.S. couple and the tens of millions co-habitating in Europe, along with the many, many gay couples who can't get married.

    Does being married make you less selfish, more mature, a better person? While the knee-jerk reaction may be to say that yes, sharing your life with someone improves you, one only need look at the number of people who cheat on, walk out on and kill their spouses to declare ixnay to that idea. Throw in the married ones who don't share the housework, the money or the love. Top it off with divorce, or those who stay married but are bitter and full of hatred towards their spouse, and you're talking billions who haven't improved as human beings just because they married.

    Perhaps the guys above weren't able to articulate their feelings very well or maybe they explained themselves perfectly. Either way, how ridiculously judgmental to declare them selfish or immature because they don't want to get married, regardless of their reasons.

  • -2

    tmarie

    Very well said Ambrosia!

    If anything, I find being married a selfish act. How many women here marry because they don't want to work? How many men marry because they want a maid and a cook? Far too many which is why these men see so many unhappily married couples.

  • -1

    cleo

    Do only unselfish people get married?

    No, of course not. But to stay happily married, the self-centredness (a better term than 'selfish', imo) of the single life has to go.

    How many women here marry because they don't want to work? How many men marry because they want a maid and a cook?

    So....if I see people walking around in clothes that are too big/too small/ a hideous colour/an outrageous fashion faux pas, I should walk around naked to avoid making their mistakes? That's one solution, I suppose. Or maybe just shop more carefully?

  • -1

    tmarie

    Cleo, perhaps these guys are tired of shopping because they is out there is crap quality clothing?

    Just because do done married doesn't mean they'll put the effort in to not be selfish. If that was the case most would be happily married and divorce wouldn't be an isue. We know that isn't the case though, right? No need for folks who don't want to get married to be labeled selfish and immature. End if discussion on that, no? Your opinion is just that. These guys aren't hurting you if anyone else so no need to be condescending.

  • -2

    tmarie

    Hope everyone is fluent in iPhone! :(

  • 2

    agakari

    I agree with those that say these guys aren't really hurting anyone with their decision. It's their choice to remain single, and they are the ones that have to live with it. Perhaps some of these guys are really hiding from something or someone, but perhaps there a many who have really thought about and have decided (at least for now) that marriage isn't for them.

    It's kind of weird when people criticize other for stuff completely unconnected to them. There was an article once about young women deciding to have expensive weddings at hotels. They just wanted to spend their money ,or their parents money ;), on their weddings in a way that really hurt nobody else.. Yet some posters were going on and on about how it was a waste and how these women were just spoiled brats. Or in another article about children's name, some people were going on and on about kids getting named Moses or Motoko or River or whatever. It's just a name of a complete stranger, yet people were so quick to criticize.

    Quick to judge, quick to anger, slow to understand. Live and let live people.

  • 0

    Tessa

    How many women here marry because they don't want to work?

    I have met many, many women in Japan who marry precisely for that reason, to guarantee a steady income and an easy life. But to be honest, I've met a few Western women who do the same thing. I think the problem in their case is that they become overwhelmed with choices, and marriage becomes the easy option - they do it with a huge sigh of relief, thinking that they'll never have to make any more major life decisions from then on. (I have to admit, I've been tempted in the past, when the going got rough career-wise. But I'm so glad I stuck out the single life!)

    Or maybe just shop more carefully?

    Well, I've never thought of likening choosing a marriage partner to "shopping around," but perhaps that's a good analogy for the way some people approach it. Nothing wrong with that, i suppose.

  • -3

    tmarie

    Buy and return if it doesn't fit?

  • 0

    Homeschooler

    It is none of my business if someone else wants to get married or not. Its a matter of personal choice. However, the mantra of live and let live doesnt seem to extend to stay at home mothers. SAHM's don't "leech" of their families, they input into family life in a way which is not financially compensated, but if no less valid as a life choice, providing the person they marry is on the same page.

    I detest this behavior in non Japanese females in Japan, which consists of being very derogatory about Japanese women, and anyone who has not made the same choices as they have, in what appears to be an attempt to make themselves seem more special, valuable and generally morally correct in comparison.

    Live and let live indeed.

  • -1

    tmarie

    SAHW take pensions and health care from taxes. Shame you can't keep your resentment to threads on that topic.

  • 0

    hidingout

    No, of course not. But to stay happily married, the self-centredness (a better term than 'selfish', imo) of the single life has to go.

    Once again you insist on trying to make it look like marriage is a virtue we should all aspire to - once we have developed ourselves enough to qualify. Pathetic.

  • -1

    Betraythetrust!

    Love having a beautiful wife who cares for the whole family and cooks like a Michelin chef. I care for her by providing and giving as much support as i can. Marriage is like keeping healthy and fit, takes work ,determination and much more.

    These Japanese men don't know how lucky they are with the women in Japan. Where i come from many women want to prove they can be better than men at things like drinking and in fact most are too butch for me taste, also they many are unkempt, unfit and overweight.

  • -1

    Tessa

    they input into family life in a way which is not financially compensated

    Well that's just not true! They get food and shelter and presumably a bit left over for cake (nothing wrong with that). I don't take issue with SAHMs of babies and pre-schoolers. I do have a problem with over-qualified housewives who have no excuse for for wasting their expensive educations by staying at home and popping bon-bons. Lazy, workshy women like that are ruining this country.

    These Japanese men don't know how lucky they are with the women in Japan.

    Congratulations, you are one of the few foreign husbands I've ever heard of who really doesn't mind being used as an ATM. You are the exception, not the rule. But if you're happy, that's good. Just as I'm happy paying my own way.

  • -1

    Betraythetrust!

    @Tessa

    Your post proves my point 100% , thank you. I am not an ATM, i am part of the family that does his part in keeping the family unit functioning. Not ALL work is paid with cash, mu wife does so much unpaid work caring for her family in a way most Western women would be too selfish to do these days. Who wants to marry a women who thinks cash is king?

  • 0

    Tessa

    Who wants to marry a women who thinks cash is king?

    And I think that proves the point of this article, don't you?

  • 0

    Betraythetrust!

    @Tessa,

    Nowhere does the article mention Western women who value everything by it's value. This people interviewed have very immature and childlike ideas. You need to be mature when you go into a marriage, it is a partnership and also make sure first that the inlaws are not nutters or something.

  • -1

    Tessa

    and also make sure first that the inlaws are not nutters or something

    Now that's a very valid point. I've heard all the horror stories. too few people realise that marriage (especially in this land) is not so much a union of two people as a union of two families. I wouldn't mind marrying another person. It's the idea of marrying into another family that I really cannot stand.

  • 1

    Hippari

    I got married 5 years ago, and had our first child 2 years ago. Since then, I've bought a house in a nice neighborhood, been promoted in my company twice, have purchased my fair share of toys (cars) and make time to enjoy them, at the same time spending time with my family and working hard to support our life. It is all about balance, and something most of us figure out when we get to this stage in our lives.

    It may be easy to shun marriage when you're young, but most single men I know who are approaching their 40's like me look stressed that they are not settled.

  • 0

    Poester

    I don't understand how simply using a bigger and bigger stick to try to beat the young men into line, will do Japan any good.

    I see it all over the place even here, completely bald faced insults and shaming language, from the usual suspects. It's all stick and no carrot. If you want people to marry you need to make it attractive, for both parties, not just one, instead of a 50/50 lottery where benefits are ephemeral and obligations a solid as stone, and enforced by the iron fist of the state.

    I'm glad that men are starting to toss off their traditional gender rolls of sacrificial work horse. Working for themselves and no longer being forced to work themselves into an early heart attack for a female that is as likely as not to appreciate any of it. I suspect that the next step for the state in response to the decreased revenue from these men will be a bachelor tax, which will of course never be applied in a gender neutral way.

    The future of the "race" or culture is not our concern. The problem is too big for us little people, and the powers that be have already set the current state of affairs in motion for better or worse, they have no intention of fixing something that has already been "fixed".

  • -1

    Glenn McBride

    What I enjoy most about this article are the comments of the readers. It is wonderful that not a single female here will concede a shred of responsibility for inducing 40% of Japanese men to walk away from marriage.

    When you add in the garden variety female shaming language (men have no social skills, men don't make enough money, men don't try hard enough, etc etc) the entire subject has the capacity to leave a us rolling on the floor laughing.

    The best we can do at this point is wait till 80% of Japanese men refuse to marry, then ensure that the females are saying the same things they are saying now. And finally, in the year 2020, when 100% of Japanese men refuse to marry, we will all get the opportunity to enjoy females proudly assert that every single man in Japan is "inferior".

  • 0

    Teerek

    “Handing over all of your earnings to the household and being given ‘pocket money’ by the wife leaves me muttering ‘You’ve got to be kidding!’” (28, Medical care, welfare-service).

    .....this said it all!!

  • 0

    cleo

    Buy and return if it doesn't fit?

    That's a bit of a hassle ..... but by all means try on for size before buying, go for a test drive, have a taste. What fool makes the biggest purchase of their life sight unseen?

    And while the usual suspects (and a few others) are gleefully jumping on the let's bash Japanese males/females (in this case for being poor marriage material) bandwagon, let's not lose sight of the fact that marriage has long been in trouble in the West too, with high and soaring divorce rates and more and more people choosing not to marry.

    http://www.christianpost.com/news/study-shows-steep-decline-in-marriage-lack-of-faith-to-blame-64883/

    http://www.henrymakow.com/why_young_men_are_avoiding_mar.html

  • -4

    tmarie

    **Love having a beautiful wife who cares for the whole family and cooks like a Michelin chef. I care for her by providing and giving as much support as i can. Marriage is like keeping healthy and fit, takes work ,determination and much more.

    These Japanese men don't know how lucky they are with the women in Japan. Where i come from many women want to prove they can be better than men at things like drinking and in fact most are too butch for me taste, also they many are unkempt, unfit and overweight.**

    Thank heavens you found a little Japanese wife who knows here place in the family who cooks, cleans and does all those things you think are a woman's job. Heaven forbid a women doesn't fit your ideal of what a women is. Heaven forbid a western, fat, unkept beast challenge your authority and superiority. And then men wonder why marriages to Asian women are often ridiculed in the west...

  • 0

    Himajin

    I do have a problem with over-qualified housewives who have no excuse for for wasting their expensive educations by staying at home and popping bon-bons. Lazy, workshy women like that are ruining this country.

    How do they affect you at all? Typical know-it-all Western attitude castigating any woman who isn't in lock-step with the liberal feminist mindset of 'having a career' ,which usually means slogging away at a boring job in the US as few have exciting "careers"; or if you're in Japan, teaching English, and for many that means going round to many part time jobs and it's a good job but...there aren't THAT many people who master enough Japanese to have a 'career' . Working isn't all that glamorous, let's admit that right off the bat.

    Women married to salarymen scrimp and save to stay home, but of course none of you will ever admit the effort that goes into that. For the wife of someone on the average salary there is not a lot going towards the luxurious time wasting you all imagine is going on. In addition, the fact that some women want to raise their own children and have their children have their own values and not that of the local day care worker is none of your business. Do women who work make enough to completely cover day care? As far as I know, public day care and after school programs in elementary school are subsidized...so tax money is used either way as long as children are involved.

    I stayed home and raised my son. I did so while working at home, but stay home I did. I was on the PTA 7 times, the working mothers for the most part can't be bothered. The SAHMs did it all. I had 10-15 kids in and out of my home for drinks, band-aids, and potty calls daily during summer vacations because all those mothers worked, and none of them arranged child care for the summer. Part of it is a mind set like yours, Tessa, 'they have nothing to do anyway'. Just less bon-bon time....

    Having been on the receiving end of feminist boilerplate since the mid-80's for staying home, even from total strangers, (the typical 'You're keeping all women back ' 'I'd love to stay at home all day and do nothing' 'You should be ashamed of yourself') I've always thought that a good portion of this abrasive attitude is jealousy. The cattiness of the 'stay at home and lay around all day' stereotype is an actual situation usually in the case of wives of men in the upper income brackets. Jealousy and classism, nothing more. Should all wives of doctors and lawyers and company presidents work just because it would make other women who have to work feel better? Of course no one ever mentions that very often it's these women who pour funds and time into community programs to benefit everyone.

    I can't speak for Japanese women as they are not the ones posting here, but it seems that Western women are very very willing to stick their necks into others' lives and really feel that they have the absolute right to tell others how to live. Such entitlement. The short story : most people work to eat! End of story. It's not to 'enjoy a career' or 'further the cause of other women'. It's to have a full belly at the end of the day. Only in the US is working seen as something exciting to do, for the sake of all women. It's laughable.

    On to the shaming of the men who wish to stay single. Again, it's none of anyone's business! What's with all the 'man up' and 'grow up' rhetoric? If a man is self-supporting and can live the lifestyle he chooses, he is grown up. He is a man! And if he works hard and spends his money on expensive things that he can afford, more power to him! 'He bought a motorcycle, he should grow up!' Hello?

    How many men have posters on this thread known who had to sell motorcycles, classic cars, or collections (baseball cards, civil war memorabilia) in 'preparation for marriage'? They were for the most part nagged and/or cajoled into selling prized possessions to 'prove' they were ready for marriage. Again, the woman lays down the law and the man has to toe the line. In the same vein, how many men are browbeaten into not buying things they want with the money they earned with the sweat of their brows? 'No you can't have a motorcycle, no you can't buy a boat' . Women tell men to 'grow up' but then once married tend to lord over them as if they were children. The irony.

    Men are staying single and deciding to enjoy their lives. They seem to be doing just fine. I don't think they need to be hectored for choosing how they live their own lives . Anyone see a pattern here? "If you (male of female) don't live exactly as we say, you're wrong!"

    Could be why marriage rates are dropping in the US as well. If men and women are equal , why is it almost a requirement for adulthood for a man to put on the yoke? Women should have no need of marriage, is the trend away from marriage abhorrent because for working women as well, it's easier to be married? Double income, someone to split household chores with. If there were no merits to marriage for working women , there'd be no shaming of bachelor men. It's only a matter of degree, then, isn't it then, the ways women benefit from marriage, whether they work or stay at home. It's pretty much splitting hairs. If it weren't, women wouldn't be trying to shame men into reversing the trend.

  • -1

    nedinjapan

    This is by far the best piece I have ever read on japantoday lifestyle category. Thank you! I am going to quote this from sources.

  • -1

    tmarie

    Cleo, I think part of the issue with marriage in the west is that western women aren't happy with the "roles" that posters like Betray think a women should feel. The more money and independence they have, the less likely they are to stay with a sexist husband who doesn't seem to be secure with his role in the marriage/relationship. Women don't "have" to get married these days because they have their own jobs and income. They don't "need" a man for financial security. Could you imagine being married to a man who have little respect for your intelligence and education and thinks your job is to cook, clean and look after the house only? I cook, I clean, I look after the house but my husband also respect my job, my brain and my "right" to have a career. Some men haven't come to terms with that. Obviously. Just like some women haven't come to terms with the fact that some men are not happy to be the ATM.

    keep wondering when women in Japan are going to wake up and realise that many men aren't happy to foot the bill for an educated work shy wife and that they need to start looking after themselves. Their parents will die, perhaps those married will end up divorced and having a "baito" job for 30 years isn't going to be pretty when it comes time for them to look after themselves. I think the number of women living in poverty here will only increase and as it is now, it's already a large problem that society here is ignoring.

    Let's be honest, Japan isn't set up for single women. Much easier to be a single man than a woman and with many men refusing to get married, it isn't the men who will suffer in the long run.

  • -5

    cleo

    tmarie, my second link was to an article discussing why men in the West are shunning marriage. Those Western men seem to be saying more or less the same (allowing for minor cultural differences) as the Japanese men. It doesn't seem to be a question of women not wanting/needing to get married (though my first link is an article that talks about young people, not men/women).

    As you say, Women don't "have" to get married these days because they have their own jobs and income - same applies to men, I presume. The joy in having a happy marriage is that you choose to share your life - the ups and downs, the good times and bad - with a person you love and enjoy being with, and who loves and enjoys being with you. Obviously some people don't want that, but as a person who does have it and in spades, I think they're missing out. Just my opinion.

  • 0

    tmarie

    I have that as well but count myself lucky. Mind you, I married later than many (was 31) and I shopped around. I don't think marriage is for everyone but I'm glad I found someone to spend my life with. That being said, we didn't have to get married for that to happen.

    I think there are a lot of women nit wanting to get married. I also think there are a lot if women who do but have incredible high standards and have far too many expectations. Funnily enough, they are often the work shy ones who refuse to look at any man who doesn't make at least X salary, work at a certain company... These women are going to wake up one day and hopefully realise how screwed up their priorities were when they were younger.

  • -2

    Homeschooler

    Taxes paid go to all manner of things our family doesn't benefit from - military spending, health care for people who smoke themselves silly, payments for people who don't work, public schools. That said the taxes are paid and we vote for whichever party is most suited to our views and needs. Yes SAHM's get pensions and healthcare, and their husbands pay into the system, as we all do.

    How infantile to single out stay at home mothers, when there are all manner of things taxes go on which do not benefit you in particular!

    It also is not even of passing importance to any other woman if other women stay home, nor is it acceptable to characterize them as "bon bon" eating idiots. People scrimp and save and do without in order to stay home with their children, to live their lives as they wish to live them. My husband adores me, and appreciates the fact I've raised his children, that I educate them, that I clean the home, cook his suppers, that I'm the backbone of the family and am content to live my life in this role.

    The old school feminists have a lot to answer for. If certain western women are happy with their lot as worker bees, then fabulous, all power to you, but you have no right to be so rude about women who choose a different path. I am highly educated, and have not been in paid work for ten years. I am content, happy, productive and loved, and if other western women who have chosen another type of life are as happy as I am, perhaps they would be less critical.

    Running down Japanese women, or mothers who choose to stay at home doesn't make you more desireable or better. It just makes you look bitter. I think its partly due to the fact that Japanese women age wonderfully, are desireable, slim, gorgeous, and not totally bought into the lies of modern feminism. Its enough to put any western woman's back up and start to justify why their husbands should have married them!

  • 1

    cleo

    Yes SAHM's get pensions and healthcare, and their husbands pay into the system, as we all do.

    I have no problem with sahms getting free pension and health insurance - I did my stint as a sahm including the scrimping and saving and doing without, it was darn hard work and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. What I and others object to is the sahW (stay-at-home wives/women) who don't have kids or elderly relatives to look after, who are at home because they can afford to be - surely there's no need for them to be subsidised by those who work because they can't afford not to? Yes, their husbands pay taxes, pensions, etc - but then so does my husband, with no tax breaks for having a dependent wife, while his wife has to pay her own pension, health insurance, taxes etc.

    all manner of things our family doesn't benefit from - military spending, health care for people who smoke themselves silly, payments for people who don't work, public schools.

    If you life in Japan you never know when you will benefit from the ministrations of the JSDF. Just find yourself in the middle of one of the many natural disasters this country is prone to, you'll be glad of the help. Maybe you don't smoke yourself silly, but can you honestly say that you do nothing at all that is detrimental to your health, just because it feels good/tastes good/is cheaper that the alternative? The 'payments for people who don't work' are meagre and short-term in Japan, and come out of the unemployment insurance premiums workers pay into. If you don't work, you don't pay. Even if you don't send your own kids to public schools, you benefit from living in a society where every other child doesn't end up begging on the streets or working 16 hours a day in the fields because they can't read, write or do 'rithmatic. So none of your examples of 'we don't benefit but we pay up anyway' aren't really valid. Especially since you don't pay....

  • 0

    Tessa

    I am highly educated, and have not been in paid work for ten years.

    Personally if I had a child who threw away their expensive education to sit around all day munching on bonbons (not to suggest that you do anything of the sort, or course), I'd be so furious I'd demand my money back. And that goes for both male and female children, 'cause I'm an equal opportunity hardass.

    can you honestly say that you do nothing at all that is detrimental to your health, just because it feels good/tastes good/is cheaper that the alternative?

    It's a fair cop, guv!

  • 1

    Tessa

    Western women are very very willing to stick their necks into others' lives and really feel that they have the absolute right to tell others how to live.

    No. Westerner taxpayers.

  • -1

    Betraythetrust!

    I get rather annoyed with people going on about the taxes they pay, i doubt many here pay as much tax as my family does. Tax that we pays goes on stuff we would rather it does not, it is a fact of life, not something we whinge about.

    Someone who pays zero tax or ten million a year has equally valid right to opine.

  • -3

    cleo

    if I had a child who threw away their expensive education to sit around all day munching on bonbons

    Raising a child is not 'munching on bonbons', neither is it throwing away an expensive education. Would you rather your kids were raised by a well-educated, intelligent woman with values and ideas to impart, or by a paid high-school graduate child-minder marking time until she can get married and start munching on bonbons?

    Pouring your own education into your children is a far better way of using it than sitting for hours on a train every day followed by sitting for hours at a desk helping someone else get rich.

  • -1

    tmarie

    ** These Japanese men don't know what they are missing, maybe they are mostly mummies boy types.**

    And who exactly do you think these guys were raised by to become such "mummies boy types"? Think long and hard.

    I'm glad you're happily married. So am I. It wouldn't bother me in the least for your wife to stay at home if you were paying her pension and health care. But you aren't. That's my issue with the SAHW thing. If you agree to it, more power to you but I don't like having to pay for YOUR decision for your wife to stay home. Shame you can't understand that and have to go on and on about how horrible those women are that actually pay their way.

    **Yes SAHM's get pensions and healthcare, and their husbands pay into the system, as we all do. **

    Home, are YOU currently paying into the tax system? Not your husband, you! Huge difference there.

    And funny, I thought you benefited from the public school system here for a while... I 100% agree with you though about smokers and the like. I personally would love to stop paying for pension and save the money on my own - do that already but I could certainly use the 1000.00 of dollars I pay every year in my own personal pension plan rather than support those who are too lazy or silly to save their own money - or their husband's money.

    You get to vote? Lucky you. I pay taxes out of my own wages but yet, don't get a say in anything as I certainly won't be giving up my passport to get a Japanese one.

    I clean the home, cook his suppers, that I'm the backbone of the family and am content to live my life in this role.

    I do that too - AND manage to work. Mind you, I don't have kids but I know many foreign wives who manage to home school AND run businesses and the like - and pay taxes.

    Running down Japanese women, or mothers who choose to stay at home doesn't make you more desireable or better. It just makes you look bitter. I think its partly due to the fact that Japanese women age wonderfully, are desireable, slim, gorgeous, and not totally bought into the lies of modern feminism. Its enough to put any western woman's back up and start to justify why their husbands should have married them!

    How is it any different than you being bitter towards those of us who pay your pension and health care? I also know many Japanese women who feel the same as I do with regards to paying for SAHW's health care and pension. They're also slim and beautiful...

    Someone who pays zero tax or ten million a year has equally valid right to opine.

    And that is where we disagree. Personally, I wish voting was based on tax paying. Those who don't pay, don't get a vote. Japan would certainly be a different country as I can promise you, there would be a lot more women working and paying their way.

    Cleo, mine isn't just the SAHW thing. Fine, stay home with your kids when they are small and I am more than happy to help out there but once that kids goes to ele school, get your butt back to work and pay. If the kiddies aren't home, no reason for mom to be as well.

    Tess, 100% agree with you on the equal opportunity thing - if it was a house husband staying home I'd be making the same comments. Certainly not a gender thing in my book!

  • 2

    Ian King

    Meanwhile in Japan........

    Japanese male IQ has risen by several points recently, observers have noticed large amount of men with bulging wallets, nice homes, decent motors , sporting a stress-less demeanour and a bloody big grin on their faces.

    Who needs a toxic succubus in their life....well done guys, many are about to follow you all across the world.

  • 1

    Betraythetrust!

    @tmarie

    My wife is. Unpaid full time carer saving the state a masive mount of cash ever year. She orsn't pay tax but saves YOU and me a lot from her unpaid work as mny others in Japan do.

  • 0

    tmarie

    That may very well be true in your case but it certainly isn't true is all SAHW's cases, is it? In many cases these women don't have kids nor elderly parents to look after...

  • -1

    Tessa

    Would you rather your kids were raised by a well-educated, intelligent woman with values and ideas to impart, or by a paid high-school graduate child-minder marking time until she can get married and start munching on bonbons?

    Me mam didn't even graduate from high school, she was a grafter all her life. Yet I don't think she did such a bad job of raising me. And for all her shortcomings as a parent, she instilled in me a work ethic that has served me very well. Let's face the facts and face them squarely: it doesn't take much to be a mother. Just a viable uterus plus a willing sperm donor really. No shortage of those in the world. What's the big deal?

  • 1

    tmarie

    I'm kind of wondering where these places are that hire high school graduates for those jobs as the places I know hire uni or tandai grads. Often ones who specialized in early childhood education. That or they hire mothers whose kids are grown and out of school...

    I do have to chuckle though. Are these uneducated high school grads better moms than those beastie foreign women who work FT after having kids? Better to be raised by a woman with a cheap, anyone passes uni degree or a working mom who sends her kids to a highly desirable daycare and then yochien...

  • -3

    Tessa

    In many cases these women don't have kids nor elderly parents to look after...

    Actually you're wrong there ... many lifelong housewives in their fifties and sixties do in fact have elderly parents and in-laws but have shoved them into nursing homes (yes, sometimes even sub-standard ones and there are plenty of those around) because they really do not want elder care to interfere with their coffee klatches and hula dance lessons. I've heard all the stories and I know what I'm talking about!

    Here's a typical example: one of my neighbours mentioned that on her weekly visit to her ailing mother in a local nursing home, she noticed that the water bottle beside the bed had gotten mouldy. She didn't dare complain to the (over-worked, underpaid) staff, because what could they do besides telling her to get off her butt and take care of her own mother in her own home? Instead she just complained to everyone else about the poor quality care that her beloved mother is receiving ... and then took off on a weekend trip with her friends to the hot springs. This women is in her early sixties, and has never paid income tax in her life. She hangs around chiropractic clinics for fun, sometimes with her friends, because it's cheaper than joining a gym. You can bet that she'll be one of the multitudes of people whining about pension cuts and higher health insurance premiums. And we're the mugs paying for it all.

    • Moderator

      All readers back on topic please. The story is about Japanese men opting for bachelorhood. Posts that do not focus on what is in the story will be removed.

  • 0

    Moderator

    All readers back on topic please. The story is about Japanese men opting for bachelorhood.

  • 1

    Laurenço Iscariot Shells

    “I like drinking and gambling but tying the knot would surely mean an end to all of this.” (26, Real estate)

    Oh no sir. I think those izakaya and pachinko parlors will become your new home away from home after marriage.

  • -1

    cleo

    I think one reason these bachelors opt not to marry is that they've bought into your version of 'mothers who look after their own kids are parasites' philosophy and are convinced that marriage is a means for some spoiled woman to take all their money and give nothing in return. Where they are wrong is in that (1) no one says they have to marry a spoiled woman and (2) the love of a good woman is not 'nothing'. Kids of course are an added bonus and are more work and bring more joy than the childless can ever imagine.

  • 1

    tmarie

    Cleo, the thing is, there are so many of these spoiled women out there. Perhaps they e looked at their parents relationship and shudder?! Slave away while wifey drops the kid at yochien and enjoys coffee? That's not buying into it, that's first hs d experience. Indeed, there are many women out there but perhaps they think many guys out there expect wifey to stay home and tend to the fires...

    And let's be honest, some of these women ARE parasites. Be it off their parents or spouse. Left to their own, they wouldn't survive. Not all but some. I certainly wouldn't want to marry a work shy man so why expect the men to?

  • 1

    iAwesome

    Hey, well this works for me, more bachelor men means more single women which means more fish in the sea =D

  • 0

    cleo

    the thing is, there are so many of these spoiled women out there

    But the bachelors don't need to marry 'so many' women - all they need is one good one each. There are plenty of those out there, too.

    But if the bachelor's idea of marriage is 'slave away while wifey drops the kid at yochien and enjoys coffee', then I really do believe that that bachelor is not ready for marriage, and may never be. Who wants to be tied to a bloke who refuses/is unable to acknowledge your worth, thinks raising a child is a waste of time and an education, and sees everything in terms of money? If the world were populated with only that kind of bloke, I'd be single.

  • 0

    Himajin

    I wonder how many of these men had nagging mothers, who pushed them all through school, and nagged their fathers regularly as well? Having a positive view of marriage is not likely after such an upbringing....

  • 0

    Tessa


    Who wants to be tied to a bloke who refuses/is unable to acknowledge your worth, thinks raising a child is a waste of time and an education, and sees everything in terms of money? If the world were populated with only that kind of bloke, I'd be single.

    Okay, that's a good point, but try changing the gender: Who wants to be tied to a woman who refuses/is unable to acknowledge your worth, thinks raising a child is a waste of time and an education, and sees everything in terms of money? If the world were populated with only that kind of woman, I'd be single.

    Now do you get it?

  • -2

    cleo

    that's a good point, but try changing the gender: Who wants to be tied to a woman who refuses/is unable to acknowledge your worth, thinks raising a child is a waste of time and an education, and sees everything in terms of money? If the world were populated with only that kind of woman, I'd be single.

    Now do you get it?

    No, because the world isn't populated with that kind of person, either man or woman. If you're involved with a person who does not acknowledge your worth, doesn't share your values --- find one who does. Like I said before, all you need is one. That bit about a woman who ..... thinks raising a child is a waste of time and an education, and sees everything in terms of money reminds me of more than one regular poster.....

  • 1

    BurakuminDes

    Let's not sugar-coat this issue: a growing proportion of Japanese males are what we would call "confirmed bachelors". Call them "herbivore boys", "metrosexual" or whatever trendy name is the flavour of the month: the fact remains many have zero interest in women and having families. Nothing wrong with that - but one has to feel for the Japanese ladies left behind.

  • 0

    cleo

    >a growing proportion of Japanese males are what we would call "confirmed bachelors". Call them "herbivore boys", "metrosexual" or whatever trendy name is the flavour of the month

    Then what would be your explanation of why fewer males in the West are opting for marriage?

  • 0

    techall

    How ironic, I have just opted for polygamy!

  • 1

    BurakuminDes

    Then what would be your explanation of why fewer males in the West are opting for marriage?

    Not as few as Japanese men - that's for sure - but in rich nations like Australia, Germany, the UK etc it is also a serious issue. I can tell you things like career and cultural issues have lowered the marriage rate in the west - in Australia, for example, many educated people simply choose to not get married - however still have children with their partner. This is the key difference. In Japan it is actually quite rare to raise children whilst unmarried.

    Living in a semi-rural area of Japan I can assure you the situation of men and women not getting married and having children is a massive issue for the local and prefectural governments - they are throwing massive resources at trying to remedy this problem.

  • 0

    Trey in Tokyo

    The REALITY is even if a JAPANESE guy is married to a Japanese WOMAN HE'S A BACHELOR!!! 97% of JAPANESE MEN DON'T EVEN SLEEP IN SAME BED AS WIFE! There is NOTHING between them but a PIECE of paper! What does this PAPER mean to A JAPANESE MAN? HE JUST GOT A COOK and CLEANER for as LONG as SHE can stand HIS selfish ass! If they have kids HE rarely interacts with them Some cases are RARE there are a handful of REAL daddy's HERE but for the most part KIDS will learn not much from HIM. The wife will BE so obssed with THEM and cleaning it will BECOME A normal routine! Never FIND much time for EACHOTHER don't sleep together NO AFFECTION NO LOVE! THE MAN DOESN'T want to HAVE sex with his wife after kids IN HIS MIND HE doesn't want to have SEX with a MOTHER! Huh? YEAH the MAN would rather do what BACHELORS DO go out and find HIM a Young Lady! His wife in his mind is not HIS wife ANYMORE! SHE IS A MOTHER, and to Have SEX with a MOTHER is nasty in HIS mind because HE is still OBSEESD WITH his MOTHER even though Deep down HE doesn't like it respect HIS MOTHER!! THEN LET'S SAY HE GETS divorce what happens? THE woman will get kids move away HE won't see them or care to see them WORK is more important than FINDING KIDS!! SO HE FINDS ANOTHER ONE LATER and the CYCLE CONTINUES!! JAPANESE MARRIAGE IS A JOKE!! NO LOVE, SELFISH, AND LONELY!!

  • -1

    timtak

    Bring back Dansonjohi

    Over the past 20 years or so there has been a lot of talk about how Japan needs to bring more sexual equality --in the Western sense of giving women more power -- in order to increase the birth rate and reduce divorce.

    It seems to me however that conversely if the Japanese want to invigorate the family they need to bring back "Dansonjouhi." Dansonjohi means, literally "respect men and debase women", (which makes it sound very nasty) but in fact it is more like "Ladies first" except in the opposite direction - "men first".

    The traditional Japanese equivalent was "men first," as opposed to "ladies first" because in Japan women hold the structurally dominant position. The centre and building block of Japanese society is the family (Nakane's "ba"). The pre-eminent Japanese interpersonal emotion (Doi's "amae") springs from mother child relationships. The Japanese super ego is an internalisation of the mother not the father (Furusawa/Okonogi's "Ajase complex"). In the West "Man" means "human," and women are "the second sex". The reverse is true in Japan. "Watashi" is a female first person pronoun used by everyone. More than that the archetypal Japanese is a woman or mother (Kawaii's genri). And at the very least, as we have see in the above article, women control family finances.

    In return for this structural control, or cultural power, Japanese women (and Western men) used to put their partners first in a rather matronising (patronising) way by carrying their bags, letting them sit down on trains, putting their clothes on for them, giving them freedom, and not nagging them.

    Now however Japanese women (influenced by Western culture) want to keep their cake and eat it. They want to keep all the structural power, their centrality within the home, the power over their children, their financial control and at the same time be treated like a Western wife. This is a bit like a British guy refusing to be a gentleman (e.g. going to snacks or worse). As Stan Lee says, "With great power comes great responsibility."

  • -1

    Kimokekahuna Hawaii

    It is not just men.. it is the women as well.. they are not so romantic.. but very calculating and cold in their approach to mating.. that might be why birthrate is so low. Women are not romantic unless they want something.. it is universal for sure.. but I have never seen it to the extent I see in Japan society.. men see what happens when they get married.. and become support system for free spending wives who shop til they drop, do not want to have children until later in life, want to go to Hawaii and shop some more, I see Japanese men in Victoria Secret holding some girls bags and I just shake my head and wonder if that is going to reflect the rest of that poor guys life..

    Eventually women will just be single mothers who have grand parents help raise their kids.. they will get their eggs inseminated at a "designer" pregnancy clinic with "Brand" genetics of a healthy, tall, athletic, handsome, high IQ, gentleman of pure Japanese blood type they want ... they will just shop for fathers of their children like shopping for chocolates at Matsuyama or shoes at Mitsukoshi.

  • -1

    timtak

    Women are not romantic unless they want something. Ha ha. I think that the same thing is true of men, but women want a baby rearer and men want booty.

    very calculating and cold in their approach to mating. I think you are right, but the Japanese family is directed towards rearing children. From a Japanese point of view our tendency to put our children in another room and allow them to cry themselves to sleep for nights on end suggests that we are very cold in our approach to (the child-rearing side of) mating.

    The Western family is parent-parent love centred and conducive to satisfying the sexual desires held more prevalently by men, the Japanese family is parent-child centred and conducive to satisfying parenting desires, held more prevalently by women. In each case the parent that gets the wrong end of the lollipop - in terms of getting their desires satisfied - gets to be pandered, set upon a pedestal, and is allowed a certain amount of freedom.

  • 0

    midnull

    This is ridiculous. You know who you'll be marrying. It's not like you will not know what you'll be getting into. There is this called dating and getting to know the other individual. Most of the people who complain about marriage are the ones who rushed into them after just under 1 year of being with that person. They probably didn't even live with that person. If you get into a bad marriage it's your own damn fault so stop complaining, unless you like that sort of sadistic thing. Which is a completely different story...

  • 2

    Christopher Blackwell

    Does it matter the reason or the excuse? Why not just accept the fact that at least 39% of men should not marry anyone. I believe it is called freedom of choice. Marriage is not for everyone. Here in the United States our 50% divorce rate suggests that most men should not marry anyone. Not being married is certainly better than being in a bad marriage. If you want to be married and can find the right person, then go for it, but stop trying to press most men into marriage that they don't want and can't handle.

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