International marriages
Some people may wonder what it is like to be married to someone from a different ethnic background. I wondered it, too, before I got married. It’s not easy to share your life with someone even from the same ethnic background sometimes, but how is it with international marriages then?
One thing for sure is that values are universal: good is good and bad is bad everywhere. It’s just that we have a different tolerance level and we have different ways of dealing with things.
I enjoy being married to my husband who is American. We have totally the same values, morals and attitudes. We enjoy life together. Of course, we have different norms: he does things in an American way and I do, too, but I also do things in a Japanese way. If my husband sees some value in Japanese ways, he adapts himself to them, too. Our advantage is that we talk with each other and communicate a lot. I understand my husband 100% and can read what he is thinking crystal clear. I am sure he does with me, too.
We can blend in on everything, except for one thing. At night we relax in our living room together and I see him watching TV. Then I realize that my husband is totally different from what I was used to when I was growing up: blue eyes, the different eye shape, the different structure of face and body, wide chests, long arms and legs. Something foreign about him always remains. Maybe that’s why we are attracted to each other so much. If there is a mystery, don’t you feel like getting attracted to it more? Human beings have a tendency to be attracted to what they don’t have, don’t we?
One of the Western norms that I like is the physical closeness. In Japan,a physical distance among people is very important. When I lived in Montreal, Quebec, I had a hard time getting used to the French way of greeting: kissing on cheeks. My friend used to tease me that I got stiff whenever someone was kissing my cheeks! On the other hand, I like hugs. In Sweden, people hug each other for greeting and they write “kram” (hug) at the end of letters. I thought it was cute. I have never seen my parents kissing or hugging each other. It’s not that they don’t love each other but it’s just a tradition. They are happy together.
I enjoy the physical closeness in the U.S. My husband seems to like to hug me or kiss me a lot. Everywhere in the house he always comes around me and hugs or kisses me. He is like a magnet to me. Whatever I am doing in the kitchen, he is always there, although he has nothing special to do in the kitchen but to hug me. I like it. I liked being wrapped by his big body: I feel so warm and safe. We are from opposite sides of the world, but loves goes beyond cultural barriers.
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79 Comments
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9
hatsoff
Japanese parents, especially fathers, should hug their kids more too. Like the Japanese, British people used not to be tactile (stiff upper lip and all that). A hug and a kiss can be a good thing.
2
Tamarama
I know this topic will draw some pretty mixed responses as I have read a few threads here that bitterly bemoan the Japanese - Foreignerer union. I am lucky because I have a wonderful marriage to a Japanese woman. I guess most of us could write at length about our relationships but here are a few things I notice about mine. We are extremely close and we have a very affectionate relationship but at the same time there is an interesting sense of comfortable 'space' in my marriage - we are not trying to become each other or impose ourselves upon each other. We are two clearly distinct individuals with different ways of thinking about and doing things, but it rarely brings us into conflict. With past girlfriends, this was not the case. The Western notions of the need to be 'soul mates' and intense romance, and to attend with great detail to emotional needs created pressure, confusion, crowding and insecurity. My wife appreciates small things and is not hung up on overt displays of love or affection. She has a very clear idea of who she is and where she is from - of her history and tradition and beliefs and this seems to make her a quietly confident person. She has impeccable manners and is gracious in social situations, but she is also kooky and offbeat when she wants to be. It's a wonderful mix. So Iam lucky, and I am very happy. I never thought I'd marry a Japanese girl, but I love what it has brought to my life.
7
Nicky Washida
Short and sweet article based on a very personal experience, but actually quite a few points resonated with me:
1) Good is good and bad is bad. Dont ever let anyone tell you "Oh well, in my culture, this is ok" because chances are it isnt! Its a great excuse they hide behind to justify what they are doing (and ok, I admit it, vice versa!), but if it was ok they wouldnt need to be justifying it in the first place - they certainly wouldnt have hidden it from you until you found the emails!!! ;-)
2) Values! THIS is what makes a successful relationship in my opinion. It doesnt matter that you both love vodka-Guava juice, met at your underwater badmintion class and secretly both want to punch Kitty Chan in the face - if you dont have the same values, you are not going to have an easy time of it. I love karaoke and dancing. My husband hates both. He loves sailing and fishing - big yawn from me. But on the things that matter - we are exactly the same.
3) Communication. OK, so I can go a little OTT here, but too much is far better than none at all. We talk about how we feel all the time. I know about his crush on Hot-Reception-Girl (shes his "HRT" - hee hee hee - he doesnt get the joke at all!) and he knows (and is very peed off about) my latest bit of eye candy. But we TALK, laugh, joke, tease and share.
4) Physical closeness. Some people can live without this, but I certainly cant and I couldnt be married to someone who was phsyically Siberia. They dont have to slobber all over you (which is still nice but not necessary!) but just a touch when you walk past, a hug, taking your hand for a second in the supermarket - all these things just say "hey you".
19
zichi
My wife is Japanese and we have enjoyed years of a wonderful relationship and we spend more time together than most couples because I'm an artist and my studio is part of our home. We both recognise we are different and give each other space when needed.
When my wife goes out I never ask where she is going or who she might be seeing. There must be trust to have a close warm relationship.
We are now old but we still kiss and cuddle every single day. Marriage is about what you can give, not what you can take!
-2
Nicky Washida
Wise words Zichi.
We still ask where we are going, who we are with and roughly what time we will be home, but it is more just out of safety and mutual respect than feelings of insecurity. He already knows he will hear all about it if I meet a hot guy! So Satruday night he knew I was starting in Shibuya at X with Y, moving onto Roppongi at X time to go to A and B and meet up with CDEFGHI & J (!) and I would be home around 1. If the plan deviates we just send a quick text (like I missed the last train home!) that way he is not worrying about me. He does the same thing. He appreciates the consideration and so do I. Still makes me suffer for it the next day though (out running at 7am leaving me with 3 kids under 8 and a stonking hangover! This is part of our relationship that still needs some work!!!)
2
sakurala
I strongly agree with what the author is saying about values and such, but she makes it seem like there are no problems at all. I have a pretty problem free marriage, but there are some things that are difficult in international marriages. Being Japanese, maybe she doesn't know how difficult some things may have been for her husband, or for other mixed couples.
I know that my husband and I had a really hard time trying to get a house loan because he doesn't have a high salary and I am not a permenent resident. Although we found an amazing used house, it was causing us to worry about the timing of buying a house, having children and getting permanent residency. Things like this are just small obsticled, but depending on the couple, it can be a make or break situation.
1
zichi
Nicky Washida,
My wife will email when she's out, when she's getting on the bus etc. I appreciate that, gives me enough time to end the rock&roll party and get everyone out before she returns! hehehehe!
Evening time, we always go out together, if we go. But we do have our own friends too. For most marriages to work, at least after the first five years, people have to make some effort, whether the marriage is international or not.
3
tkoind2
Nationality and race never entered into my relation with my wife. It was her artsy, quirky and unique personality that drew me to her. And it was our almost magical connection that made us unbelievably comfortable together that made it last.
We often say or think the same thing at the same time. Oddly enough in the same language, randomly English or Japanese. I know she's had a bad day before she gets home and I can sense her somehow when she needs a call. And she does the same for me. I don't know why or how.
I never think of her as Japanese. Everyone I dated here before it was pretty clear that we were from different cultures. But with my wife she is just who she is. No race, no nationality and no locality seems to matter.
The secret is simple. If you focus on the differences, and this applies to same nationality/race couples, then you may well end up focused upon the things that drive you apart. But if you focus on the simple elements that make you connect and love each other, well... that is blind to race, creed and nationality and will sustain you.
3
gyouza
Beautifully put Zichi.
I must admit though, I got to the end of the article and scrolled down to see the rest!!!! I was expecting to see the emotional side of the equation documented too. The author documents the emotional side triggered by the physical attraction and contact, but nothing deeper. It would be nice to have the context of how long they have been married, as the love-love bubble doesn't last for ever for everyone (most DO experience it at the intense beginning of a relationship).
Wishing them every happiness.
1
grammefriday
interesting comment which could be applied to Japanese people in general.... maybe its just me but I have found that rather than seeking points in common with other people, Japanese are always keen to continually highlight how they are different to everyone else ... an attitude that becomes rather boring after awhile
3
Nicky Washida
Tkoind2 - very true. I never married "A Japanese Guy" - I married Ken. His Japaneseness is something that I can totally adore and totally go crazy over in equal measure, but it is a part of who he is, and I never even look at home and see "An Asian Guy" - just him.
I actually found the first 5 years the HARDEST work!!! After that we are so sure of each other and the stability of our relationship that it is now a breeze - for the most part but as I said we still need to have words about how "Mummys night out" needs to extend until at least 9am the next morning before childcare-duties resume!
zichi - LOL! I know what you mean - my husband came home early from work on Thursday to surprise me and scared the hell out of me! I thought someone was trying to break in!
I love going out, meeting people, having fun, being the other side of "me" for a while (the side that isnt a mother of 3, and sings her heart out, dances on the bar and knocks back shots like they are candy) but the nights I look forward to most are the ones with my husband because we just dont get to go out together so often so when we do it is special.
1
zichi
Nicky Washida
we don't have children in Japan. When we want children we just borrow a couple of them for an afternoon, but when the evening comes and we are tired out we just hand them back.
Also they say if a marriage survives the first five years it will last.
Make your partner laugh everyday, I'm good with that one! Born comedian!
-6
j4p4nFTW
International marriage is a difficult issue because many people are from different cultures. If the other partner makes an effort to learn something about Japanese culture (but not too much) then it could work. But there is a problem with how to raise children. Couples must work hard to find a way to raise their children so that they will recognize the uniqueness of being Japanese. This is difficult if one parent cannot understand it.
0
SpanishEyez37
''And in the end: The love you take, is equal to the love you make!''
I remembered being worried about introducing my Japanese husband to my Puerto Rican family. I had told him that if he heard my daddy talk really loud, it didn't mean he was mad. He's just loud LOL. And of course my parents adore him.
We make each other laugh everyday. My favorite thing with him is when we ride the escalator together and since he is way taller than me, it is the only time we're almost the same height. He looks around to see if anyone is looking and kisses me. It's so cute and makes me swoon :)
As many posters have said, make each laugh everyday. Also before you part tell each other ''I love you'' and never go to bed mad.
1
Nicky Washida
Wish I could! My friend (Canadian) and I are always saying it is such a shame our husbands dont understand us because we are bloody hilarious!!! Problem is, western (and especially British) humour is very verbal. He would probably think I was hysterical if I put on a fake moustache, stuffed my mouth with raw chillies and wedgied myself!
Conversely it is equally difficult if the Japanese partner makes no effort to understand something of the other culture and the uniqueness of "not being Japanese". Both sides are equally important.
3
Nicky Washida
@Gyouza - yeah, actually, I was wondering how long they have been married too and if they have children (which changes everything) - Makoto - if you are reading this any chance you could post that info?
But you know, whether theyve been married 5 years or 5 minutes, I am getting such a kick out of a simple article that is very clearly choc-full of love and laughter and happiness. How nice to not be reading about another intra-marital kidnapping, DV, or someone divorcing because their blood types are incompatible. Makoto - I wish you and your husband all the luck in the world. International marriage has its own unique complications that can make it harder and/or more interesting, but if you can make it work it is truly magical.
1
SpanishEyez37
@ Nicky Washida
someone divorcing because their blood types are incompatible. >
Is that really true?
-2
Foxie
Nicky, agree with the humour, they just don't get it. If you want to make them laugh, use some really funny Japanese.
I find it often easier being married to a Japanese or someone of a different culture. You don't need to explain yourself so much for everything you do.
5
cleo
Stonking great mountain-sized gold-plated thumbs-up to that! Mrs zichi is a very lucky lady, methinks.
An 'international' marriage needn't be any harder than any other kind of marriage. People from the same culture can have all kinds of problems. If anything, realising from the start that the other person does have a different background and a different take on things, different way of doing things, etc., can make it easier to deal with the differences of opinion that crop up in any marriage. Having been born and raised in the same country as a person doesn't necessarily mean you both think the same.
Didn't the Crown Prince at the time of his engagement to Masako-sama say that the most important thing in a marriage was sharing the same values?
0
johninnaha
Communication is very important, but it has to be two way.
And it has to include understanding.
2
cleo
The link in the 'author information' at the bottom of the article....
Any marriage that works is truly magical, n'est pas?
0
anglootaku
Interesting stories about relationships of JM or JF with Non Japanese http://hiraganatimes.com/hp/marriage/index-e.html
-1
Nicky Washida
@SpanishEye - yeah, thats what I heard. Some poor British guy came home one day to find his wife and kids gone and the apartment emptied. She said she had discovered through reading a magazine that their blood types were fundamentally incompatible! WTF??! I am sure there was much more to it than that, but that was the reason she gave him apparently, poor guy!
Ah, we are screwed then! ;) Actually, the first year was great - as we had chosen English as our main means of communication, I won every argument! Then he got better and better, and suddenly I was getting my ass whipped by him in an argument in my own language!!! We laugh now whenever he has to have a disagreement at work with the Americans or other foreigners - he always seems to win and he swears it is down to the "training" that I gave him in those early years of marriage!!!
@Cleo - very true. Several British friends of ours have married and sadly fallen apart since we were married, usually because of fundamentally incompatible values. Any marriage is not easy at times, but - I dont kow about other international couples - for us there is always an element of wanting to try harder and work harder rather than giving up because I think we have already sacrificed so much to be together - well, I have anyway!!! I always say to him "Dont think I am ever giving you a divorce, buddy - no way are you getting off that easy!"
12
ben4short
Am I the only one who found this article lacking one single interesting or original thought/idea?
3
y3chome
Ben - u r not the only one. I posted similar to you earlier but it was removed by the mods...
0
y3chome
i mean yea happy happy congratulatons but, could have been fleshed out a bit more for an article.......
0
cleo
lol Is that a variation of 'Behind every great man......)?
5
combinibento
Get a room already!!
6
choiwaruoyaji
My international marriage has been a disaster.
I wish I'd married the author of this article... she seems so sweet.
Anyway, no use crying over spilt milk.
Got to keep one's chin up...
0
Nicky Washida
I would imagine so Cleo. Ive only ever been in an international one hence my international slant on it.
4
BlueWitch
まことさんのブログは完ぺきです。おめでとうございます！ I know I have no right to post in this thread because my husband is Japanese, so is everybody at home but I feel like I need to express my true feelings towards international marriages in my country. Yes, I am so happy inside of me whenever I see an international couple. Makes me feel so relief that more people are looking for happiness outside their own race and culture and are breaking those ridiculous barriers of prejudice and xenophobia. It's time for more people to marry outside their race and be happy. There is NO law that prohibits another human being to be with another of different race or creed or color, etc. Human is Human. The human heart has no color nor language. I spent a few years in the U.S. and I came back to Japan with many good things inside my mind. Also, I'm very lucky to have married someone so open minded and willing to accept everyone the same and explore new ways and possibilities. There's always something great to learn in every culture. Before I marry him, he used to travel to places like Guam, Thailand, South Korea, Hawaii, Malaysia, Bali, Colombia, Lebanon and some other I don't remember. It's a little difficult to find a Japanese man with such extensive international experience, yet he doesn't speak English that much, LOL. But he sure loves the world, not just Japan!! I'm planning now to go to India and make my dream come true in some Indian beach with him. haha Imagine such bliss...
1
bicultural
I knew what my wife was like when I got married with her, and we've had a successful marriage so far. In our case, the good parts of our culture / customs rubbed off on each other. For example, my wife is becoming better at voicing her opinions and telling me how she feels about something. On the other hand, you don't have to sell out in order to get along with a Japanese lady. For example, I control the finances. Letting the wife control all the money is one thing I could not agree to.
1
namabiru4me
My marriage, while not pure bliss, is likely better than marrying someone back home. I am sure that would have ended up in divorce. I think our differences that we recognized at the onset prepared us not only for those, but for the fact that we are entering into a partnership for the LONG term, not just out of convenience. This has brought much compromise, long discussions, arguments, and apologies. It is not easy to be married these days for a long time to anyone if you are in the marriage for yourself more than for your partner.
I must admit, another huge factor that have allowed us to endure is the everlasting support of her wonderful family.
1
anglootaku
Why would it need to be classified as 'international' ok looks and culture might be a little different, but if both parties adapt to each others cultures and work as one, it is not different to people from the same cultures working as a team in a relationship.. we are humans at the end of the day, regardless of race..
2
bass4funk
In a marriage you get out what you put in. It's a give and take. I have been married 10 years and I have kids and I DO fight with my wife often, but then again, my parents squabble a lot too, but love each other dearly. People are people and we are all different and while many of us come from different countries and have different cultures and traditions, love is love and as humans, we all craze the same as far as love, respect, honor, dignity and caring and while some cultures are huggy, huggy, feely, feely and other cultures are more stand-offish doesn't mean, that there is less love. Love can be expressed in various ways. My parents-in-law never hugged me, but I know there love for me is so deep and strong, if satisfies and it is fulfilling and I can totally accept it and I feel complete as does my wife when we go back to the states and my parents hug her tightly, she also loves it. I think sometimes, we as westerners can be a tad selfish when it comes to expressing love. I have heard so many times that Japanese are cold, heartless, it all depends, maybe if they don't know you or are not acquainted with you, but if you really spend time and pay close attention, some of the bonds that Japanese have are so tightly wedged, you could never crack through that exterior, remember, they are people too and thus are subjected to the same up and down emotions that everyone on this planet goes through. My wife and I after we fight, we try to come to an understanding, we talk, we have a real dialogue and I need to be sensitive to her needs, because I do come from a different country, as well as she does too. We have to meet in the middle. Marriage is not easy, let alone international, but with some effort and willingness on both sides, it can work. We don't look at each other as Japanese or American, we just look at each other as husband and wife and the kids ONLY SEE mommy and daddy and if mommy and daddy fight, the kids don't feel good, but they never think, why os my Japanese mother and American father fighting like this. All I am just saying, I have good days and I have bad days and yes, sometimes I want to throw in the towel, but in the end, honestly, I know my wife ultimately has my back and she knows me better than anyone else, I trust her and I sometimes don't have to talk or say anything, when I forget something, she always is a step ahead of me, like she is my second brain, creepy, but great. She is strong and I think if anyone that is married to a Japanese and they really have a great communication they don't have to worry about anything.
-1
Nicky Washida
Oh yes Cleo, it sure is!
3
BlueWitch
@combinibento
Hahahaha MARVELOUS, combinibento...your comment made me ROLF~...but you know what? I'm just like Nicky when I get to talk about how Mr.BlueWitch and I interact behind closed doors. Volcano-eruption waiting to happen!! Ha!
3
BlueWitch
At home, the money is managed by my husband, NOT me. I want NOTHING to do with money. My children?? He is 監護者(Child Physical Custodian)and I am 親権者(Parental Authority) which means If (for example) I ever try to run away with them, the Police will arrest me on the spot according to the current laws. I am NOT legally married with him so by law I went to the Family court and gave him the "kangoken" to him because I fear I may die sooner than him so I was in my right to do it. I have no fear of losing my children because they belong to him too. Same thing is he was a Foreign man. Trust me.
-1
anglootaku
She also sounds like the author from 'Darling wa Gaikokujin'
2
Scott Donald
If only that came out of Mao Inoue's mouth when ダーリンは外国人 (My Darling is a Foreigner) was being released instead of her childish responses. Well done Makoto.
3
SimondB
I've been with my Japanese wife for 12 years now. I have simply, no regrets (although the first 3 years together were a little tough). But I think that I could be writing I have been married for 10 years to a Mongolian woman and still be happy. Surely, it is the couple concerned. An international relationship does pose problems that same culture relationships don't. But if you work at it the rewards are so much higher. I've got the best of both worlds. And as time has passed and we get to understand each other better things like different humour change. Although my wife cannot throw out witty lines like a scouser (I'm not!) with 8 pints under their belt she can be incredibly funny in a way that a few years ago she was not. Good example was a real estate agent who has been pestering us has a giant hooked beak of a nose. Last time she knocked on our door she muttered "the concorde has landed".
When international marraiges work out they can be so very, very rewarding. And I've been so happy with the other half, and I would say the better half.
Plus I never have to do the dishes or iron my shirts!
-9
rdinero35
All the best for foreign men married to Japanese women. I pity them.
The biggest reason I would marry a non-Japanese is becuase of racist behavior and secondly the laws biased against foreigners. Before I marry my Japanese GF i want to know why she wants to marry me. In 3 of the girls I got no solid reply or no hint anywhere what is it they love about me. They say they just like me so they want to marry. After reading few books and listening to my friends I was told that Japanese women like America and like to have white skin and blue eyed babies. I couldnt believe what I read so I decided to test her.
I took my GF to my friends home for a house warming party. My friend was from India and not white skin. I wanted to see how do my GF get along with people from developing nations like India. She behaved quite weirdly. I saw she was not interacting much with other people like she does when I take her to my other American friends. I later on asked her how did she think about the party? He response was she dont like India and Indians. I asked her why? It was mainly because India is poor country and she don't like the way they speak English. That rang the bell to me. I still ignored her. After few days we broke as she didnt want communicate with me in Japanese. Eventually even I lost my interest and we broke.
With my second GF after few days I took her to home party at one of my Nigerian friend. My GF had almost same reaction as my first GF. She in fact crossed the line saying me that you have friend from Nigeria? I said yeah. Whats the problem? She just ket quiet. She was beautiful so thought of testing her again. This time I just told her one lie that instead of going back to American at end of the year my company asked me stay in Japan for another 2 years. So I wont go back to US till Dec 2013. She said its good. But in 2 weeks she broke up with me saying that she have one more boy friend she likes and she is sorry for that.
May be I met wrong Japanese women. But I just have a word of caution to foreigners. Check, cross check and cross check again in different ways before you decided to marry any Japanese women. After all you are not entering in one night stand but you are choosing a life time partner. Racism, American dream comes first for most of the women here and you know what will happen to you when she gets all this...
Rob
4
BlueWitch
@SimondB
You don't? Lucky you I guess.
Here my husband loves cooking. Washing the dishes is no exception for him. He does it automatically. Although I prefer the: "One cooks, the other one does the dishes" method.
Child-rearing and cleaning is equally shared in my house.
4
Ranger_Miffy2
Nice to hear everyone's happy comments. Agree the article isn't news or much but the comments were fun to read. Not a peep out of Patrick Smash...perhaps later.
3
gyouza
:)
-3
Makoto from East
Wow. Thank you for all your comments. That's why I wanted to start blogging: exchanging ideas with people from many different countries or people with different opinions. And, thank you, Nicky, for taking care of comments here!
I really enjoyed reading comments from Tamarama, Nicky, Zichi, SpanishEyez37, bass4tunk, and SimondB. It's nice to hear how people appreciate their partner despite all challenges. It can be scary to try something unknown, such as an international marriage. But, we gain more knowledge and we become more open-minded and worldly, which is very rewarding. Of course, an international marriage can fall apart, but it may not be because of cultures. It may be because those two were not meant to be. My husband doesn't treat me as a Japanese but he treats me as an individual. He respects me and I respect him. I can't have any relationship with anybody (even with a friend) if there are no trust and respect.
Yes, I think having a sense of humor and laughing is important as well. Life is short! I want to enjoy my life with my loved ones with good laughters! Luckily, I have a good sense of humors and my friends from all over the world think I am hilarious. So, my husband doesn't need a mustache to make me laugh, Nicky! LOL!
I try to keep my blog under 600 words to make something easy to read, so I break a similar topic in a couple of blogs. If you want to know more about my thoughts, subscribe my blog! : ) Anyway, it was nice to meet you all.
PS... We have been married for almost 9 years, we have 3 children (8, 6, and 4 years old), and we have lived in the US since we got married.
3
zichi
To all those who have had a negative experience with relationships here, I can only state my own marriage and wife does not fit into those descriptions.
I don't know any Japanese females who would fit into those descriptions. I have several young female friends who are not married and their idea of a partner does not fit into those descriptions.
I'm not saying some people don't experience bad relationships but that happens the world over. I can smell some reverse racism in some of the comments which makes me wonder why the authors are still in Japan, unless its because of their company?
0
rdinero35
@gyuoza :) you are funny.
physical attraction and contact, but nothing deeper.
haha....
2
zichi
There's a saying, if you have an argument, resolve it before sunset, just say "sorry!"
It takes two to argue so don't play the game.
If my wife feels a little upset with something I did, I let her thump me on the chin, she always feels better after that.
Or if she's feeling really bad, I put a cushion in front of me and get her to thump away. It works every time.
I think she must have wanted to be a boxer?
0
dolphingirl
I feel the same way about my husband. The only time it really sinks in is when his parents come to visit!
I also agree about looking for similarities rather than differences. I am sure that I have way more in common with my Japanese husband than I do with many Canadian guys.
The article simplifies things, perhaps a bit too much, but does touch on the most important things in a relationship: being compatible, having similar values & attitudes, having good communication and having physical intimacy.
This statement, however, I totally disagree with. Values are *not *universal at all. That's why there is so much war in the world!
.And it bugs me when I hear the phrase--the Japanese way. I don't think I have ever said to my husband, or anyone--Oh, this is the Canadian way. Everyone has their own way of doing things. To say that everyone in your country does it that way is ridiculous.
0
zichi
JapanGal
that depends on how mad I think my wife is?
3
tallgaijin
great comments and happy to see mostly positive experiences. Myself married to Japanese girl now for last 13 years. Wife is 10 years elder to me and completely agree - does not matter whether you are from same religion, same culture, same age, similar education background, same nationality etc etc... I believe what matters most is whether you can have mutual trust, respect and love for each other - if even one of these three is missing it will be difficult to sustain the marriage (irrespective whether international or same nationality). Agree completely - secret sauce for successful marriage apart from Trust, Respect and Love should be - communication, accept the person for who he/she is, do not try/expect them to change, ability to make other smile with simple everyday things.
2
tallgaijin
Again personally married to the most amazing girl 13 year back and still madly in love with my wife - them being cold, stiff and rigid - depends on the partner too :) My end, absolutely no complaints on this front - depends on how you treat and make of your marriage.
1
presto345
I think this is the most revealing topic I have read on JT so far. People responding to Makoto and telling about their personal lives. Very interesting. I agree with what some posters have pointed out: an international / interracial marriage is not very different from a marriage with someone inside your own sphere, continent, country, whatever. The success rate, the satisfaction, the gain, happiness, depends on what you are willing and able to put into it. E.g., how far does your love really stretch? Will it go beyond your preconceived perceptions, ideas, expectations, of what you have seen, experienced in your own environment? Are you able to give more than you wish in return? If you can translate, what you think is love, into understanding, respect, empathy, to give, and the will to share a life with someone, even if that someone is from a totally different background, something that happens all the time even within one's own region, chances are you are going to make it.
0
samwatters
Congratulations on a happy relationship, Makoto. You and your husband obviously did well for each other. Your article reminded me of a hypothesis about Japanese/foreign couples that I would like to test; all of the happy international couples in Japan I know are the ones in which the Japanese man or woman has lived away from home for at least one year, therefore becoming true adults. On the other hand, the international couples whose relationship are a disaster al seem to have one common trait; a Japanese man or woman who lived at home until the wedding day--or later---and remain children in terms of emotional and intellectual maturity. Am I on to something or am I all wet?
2
DS
IMHO, a lot of problems in international marriage come from two issues;
a/ marrying a flag and not a person b/ not being able to communicate in one/both of your languages easily
The whole "exotic" factor should wear off after a few months of dating- if it doesnt, or your partner still is enthralled by it, beware. If anything, I married my wife in spite of her being Japanese, not because of it. Whatever small differences may be caused by culture or background are nothing compared to the huge differences between male and female!
We'll hit 20 years together next year, with a cool teenage son as a bonus.
3
Foxie
samwatters, sorry to tell you but my J. husband never lived abroad and we have been happily married for 20 years. DS - we started off with sign language and basic Indonesian since he didn't speak English and I didn't speak Japanese but we both spoke some Indonesian. So, there was no indepth communication for years in other words.
0
samwatters
"samwatters, sorry to tell you but my J. husband never lived abroad and we have been happily married for 20 years."
Sorry, Foxie, I wasn't clear. When I said "away from home" I meant out of mom and dad's house. Glad to hear your closing in on your silver anniversary.
1
Dutchduck
6 friends are happily married to a Japanese Woman I`m happily married to a Japanese woman. Three of my friends are not happily married to Japanese women One got divorced
final result: Japanese ladies or lads can be as great or as terrible as their foreign counter parts...
1
ebisen
I am also happily married, and together with my Japanese wife for 9 years now (married for 7). I hope we are not the exception, but we were both lucky to find each other.
4
Bartholomew Harte
Been married 34yrs & We've only had one argument-And we're Still At It!!\ A nice piece,Thanks!
0
Reckless
I think Sam Watters may be on to something. Living away from home could be a strong predictor. How about when both spouses come directly from home.
0
Foxie
@ Sam and Reckless; my husband lived at his mother's place all the time and when I came to Japan to marry him, we lived together there at first. As for me, I haven't lived at home since the age of 14. Boarding school was real fun.
1
zichi
and my final thought on this post,
the most famous Japanese international must be John Lennon and Yoko Ono!
3
southsakai
Zichi and Nicky Washida. Absolutely great comments from you both! WOW. I seriously can relate to the things you both said.
My wife is Japanese and though we have a roller coaster relationship with lots of disagreements over the smallest of things! It's the bigger and most important thing that we actually agree on and share the same values that keep us together.
We probably disagree on thousands of small matters, stuff that don't even matter. Stupid arguments break out for things so stupid, I can't believe sometimes we actually waste our time fighting over those stuff.
BUT we do agree on a very small number of things and these things/values are very important in our lives. I believe if we did not share these same values, no way we would last.
I'm really happy for you both and everyone else married to someone from another background and making it work. it takes a lot of effort to make things work.
@rdinero35 -
Friend i'm a black person here. I say this because you mentioned about your friend from India and not white skin... I can tell you i have a lot of Japanese friends male and female and absolutely i have no problems living here and making friends in Japan. I find the people here extremely nice and very polite almost all of the time.
Yes there are stereotypes of foreigners in Japan be it hakujin or kokujin, it don't matter what color you are. People can react strangely to people of different ethnic backgrounds and it does not matter where in the world you live. This is a universal thing.
Even from where i am from. if one of our girls were to marry an Aussie or Kiwi or African or whatever, her parents and family could look down upon her. Go figure! See some people are still stuck in stone age culture traditions and have to marry within the same race or whatever man.
Love has no boundaries. No borders. Love is Love. Damn come to think about ti, I'm sooo in love with my Japanese wife. I'm getting butterflies just writing this.
Most important is the people around you and how you portray yourself or how your friends portray themselves to other people. Especially people of other races. Not everyone will be giving you a warm welcome treatment, I got used to this since i was young.
Get a thick skin, move ahead. Make new friends who are not biased and don't judge people of other races no matter what.
The people who look down upon other people of other races are very small minded people. They are insecure about something themselves or just were brought up in life taught no morals and respect towards people of other cultures and backgrounds.
What you can do is try and educate them instead of giving them the same treatment.
There is good and bad in people of all races and backgrounds. If people decide to judge a person just because of their background, move on, marching soldiers don't look back.
I have friends all around the world in so many different countries, i can't even count and they comes in all shades, shapes and styles :)
Most of these people really stood up for me in my hard times be them white, asian, black or whatever!
I hope you find the love of your life and a real nice person who does not judge others and loves you for you. Best regards
0
ThonTaddeo
So happy to see so many loving couples; a welcome break from the doom-and-gloom regarding divorce, child custody, and the Hague Convention that have been in the news lately. Let's not forget how happy people can be together!
My own Mrs. and I see each other as individuals first, members of each other's families second, and representatives of each other's countries a distant third. We almost never argue, and if one of us gets upset about the other one, the big pile of happy past memories quickly drowns out whatever trifling problem is getting to us today.
I ilked seeing how affectionate Makoto's husband is to her. On that point I envy you, Makoto. My own better half tells me I'm too "betabore" if I hug or kiss her too often; she doesn't want a lot of affection. You know how some people are メタボリック and get fat and have to watch their diets? Well, some people are ベタボリック and can't get enough love (and there's nothing wrong with that!).
4
Xiron Hoyos
Im glad to hear succefull and beautifull live story. but also have sad story like my sad story with my Japanese Love
last year i met a Japanese woman who was my first love years ago. she broke up with me because her dream to be succesfull was first and that time she must go back to Japan. i met her in my country.
then this year im back with my ex japanese girlfriend which i love her so much. i thought finally i will get marry and to the woman i love. She came to my country and we have great 2 weeks together. then we stay in tough with skype. after couple month i came to Japan for 3 weeks and we plan to marry and have a family. I was plan to come next year to live in Japan with her and become houseman, (cleaning the house etc..) and looking for a parttime job. She earn good money with her business and she is populair in Japan and working with populair people on tv. As man it feel bad a woman have more power then men. But for me i could live with it aslong she treat kind to me and love me.
I went to Japan to learn about her busy work. It was suprised how succesfull she was. and cool meeting a actor who is quite famous in Japan. i wish to say all the details but for her business i cant say about it.
Anyway i went other city to meet her parents for the first time. but the pain in me was she was not with me as she promise. i cant understand she too busy. but at least one day we could not be all together. she i went alone with her family for vacation and visit other city of Japan and it was family day so visit the tombstone of grandgrand family. Before i left my girlfriend she told me to pray for her dead family so i did from my heart.
after 4 days alone with her parents and family i came back to meet her.
My instinct felt she dont love me. i felt cold. i try to put my arm on her in the bed during sleeping and she dont like it. and instead holding me in her hands she hold in her hands her cat.... i dont understand why she not no more nice to me. and very mean to me often. one people who work for her told me she is very mean boss and not kind. ok working mentality i dont say nothing but she is doing this also to me as her boyfriend. that is really unfair. i speak not good japanese like 30% with bad grammatic. i learn Japanese bymyself and i can speak with Japanese without using english in a small conversation.
so one day she had business meeting and i was with her. her businespartner who was a woman dont speak no english so she spoke at me in Japanese and i answer back in my bad knowledge japanese language. My girlfriend correct me very rude way. instead just say normal to me then i can learn but she scream at me and become very angry that i say not good grammar wrong japanese sentence. her business partner she to her that she is mean to me and she is scary and say to me also if i dont think so. i said yes.
i felt very sad about this. couple days later my girlfriend ask me if i dont have nothing to say to her. i said what. she said if i dont ask her marriage. i said after all she did to me i said no for now. i want to marry her but she need to change. she dont think she can she because this is her character she said. then she said ok she will change ( but looks not really) after 4 days with her she changed little bit but still so mean against me and i did not felt she love me.
we did not spoke more about it. then i came back my country and she sent a email that she braking up with me. i felt very sad. but life goes on. it healt slowly my heart. i wish she loves me because i love her so much. all my plan to move Japan finished.
Now im single and focusing to working hard and go Japan next year because i Love so much Japan and the language. and maybe i can meet in Japan my princess to marry for the rest my live.
Sorry for long story, im living in my country alone without family because all my family lives in another country also.
2
Nicky Washida
I agree with your hypothesis. My husband lived away from home for a long time before we met, and we are very happy, he is great at home and I appreciate his help.
My friends husbands also for the most part lived away from home. Most have also travelled overseas. However, I do have some J friends who married men who lived at home with Mummy until they were married, and they have had some problems, and continue to do so.
I sympathise. Even by western standards I am extremely tactile - gotten me into all sorts of trouble over the years! My husband craves affection too, so it works out quite well for us, but even he cant give me enough sometimes! Luckily I have the all-time huggy bear of children now, so I get my cuddles from him for now (hes sitting here hanging on to me as I type!). Im sure he will need therapy in the future for Mummy-issues which I am more than happy to pay for if he gives me the affection I need for now!
2
southsakai
My friend there is PLENTY of fish in the sea. You seem to love this lady very dearly and she is taking advantage of your kindness and goodness and treating you badly, shouting at you and making you feel down.
It is very good news you are single man again! Now you are free to find someone that can appreciate the goodness you have to give.
There are a great many lady's that will respect and appreciate what you have and give you pure love in return instead of abusing your kindness and mistreating you - especially in front of other people emberasing you, this is a BIG NO.
Don't take it too hard that you broke up with her, take it as a good thing because she can no longer abuse you
and find someone that is really nice from the heart. Someone who will treat you respectfully and with dignity. Best wishes to you.
1
vladrin
@southsakai
I much agree on your couple of posts.
@Xiron Hoyos
You can look at the failed relation as a loss, but you can look at it as an opportunity. You saved yourself from being doomed if you were stuck with her in a marriage for years. And I'm pretty sure you gained more experience on a kind of people that is new to you while interacting with her. I believe that you shouldn't allow this experience to consume you. As long as you have enough confidence, you shall have no problems. You seem like a good guy, and the fact that other people thumbed up your comment, means that other people do appreciate you too.
0
ReformedBasher
@rdinero35
I've married 2 Japanese women. The first marriage was not good. The second is better.
Both wive's in-laws expressed concern at the start. But so did some of mine.
If I was to marry again, I'd definitely be interested in marrying a Japanese woman again, as long as she is the right one for me.
Or she could be another nationality or race. I don't care as long as we respect and trust each other. It really does take both partners for a marriage to work.
1
ReformedBasher
@Xiron Hoyos
I hope things get better for you. Don't give up hope in finding the right partner.
1
ReformedBasher
@gogogo
Not sure why you are getting thumbs down. As for me, it's good to read about about other poster's experiences. It's sad there are some people who have had bad experiences but also great to hear from those who have had good ones.
If life is crap, you will enjoy it so much more when things go right.
-1
gogogo
Don't marry a Japanese girl unless you speak Japanese, you're in for a world of surprises in the future.
0
choiwaruoyaji
@Xiron Hoyos
I can sympathize with you, man... I had a similar experience... when I was 13 years old!!
What's the matter with you? You sound like a crying adolescent.
Pull yourself together man and act your age.
3
Xiron Hoyos
@ southsakai, vladrin ,ReformedBasher Thank you for your great words to me! i feel stronger and watch in advanced and finding the right person for me. i feel better because you all
@ choiwaruoyaji, actually i dont want to put my feeling here but im feeling depresive after this happend this to me. my both parents are dead and im still young. is difficult to live without parents. and live alone without family in a foreigner country in europa that i live. but im strong person and all is past now. i will just carry one my live and be happy and find the ONE
@ gogogo i can speak some Japanese already but im still studying hard so maybe after 2 years im fluent with japanese.
1
Terry Tibbs
No two people are the same...and no two relationships are the same either. Everyone is different and every relationship has different circumstances, problems and good points.
0
John Constantine
I envy many of you as you have such kind and loving wives. I hope that sometime I will meet/marry a Japanese or Russian...someone whom is vastly different from myself as I believe that it is the differences between us that will leave us so much room to grow.
It gets a little frustrating sometimes as people try and try yet just do not find the right woman. I have not dated in four years but someday I hope to meet Mrs. Right.....not Mrs. Always Right. Yet I tried the dating site that is linked with JT however it seems many-many women are seeking younger men by 10 years or so. Is that a cultural thing?
-2
LoveNot
lol, zichi, maybe you trust your wife, but she should not trust you :) she should ask you where you are going or who you are seeing.
I know some foreign men who told me their Japanese wives bore them to death although they are too kawaii just because they are unable to say their opinion.
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