Love without words
When my children went to bed last night, I just sat by my youngest, looking at her and stroking her hair. She was not yet sleeping but her eyes were closed and she was definitely enjoying my touch and my presence right next to her. Suddenly I pictured that my mom was doing exactly the same thing to me when I was little. I don’t remember it but I know she did and that’s how I felt her love.
As I wrote in my blog, International Marriage, touching, kissing, or expressing love among family members is not our tradition in Japan. When I visited my parents in Japan after I moved to Canada, I used to tell them how wonderful the Western tradition of physical closeness was and Japanese parents should express their love to their children, too. They just listened: they didn’t seem to be offended by it. I was determined that was the way I would raise my children and have a close relationship with my husband physically (I mean kissing and telling him that I love him often). And that’s what I do with my family now.
When I lived in Japan, I didn’t have confidence in myself so much. I was not taught to be confident; rather my parents taught me to remain humble all the time. Whenever I accomplished something, they acknowledged my accomplishments, but that was about it. They encouraged me to move on to achieve the next level or something better. It was “kaizen,” a continuous improvement of myself. When I reached the next level, I had to try to reach another one. It was never-ending.
Because of this tradition, I concluded on my own that my lack of confidence was due to the lack of physical closeness, such as touching, hugging, kissing and expressing love. However, after having my own kids and watching them feeling so secure being close to me, I thought that was not the case. I am pretty confident now but it didn’t come from physical closeness. I have gained it through experiences and overcoming challenges.
Would it have made a difference if my parents had raised me in the Western way, being physically close to me? I don’t think so. We can’t measure love by how much physical contact you make. Sometimes we see, in a Hollywood movie, busy parents heading off to work, giving their children a quick goodbye kiss. I think we can live without it. East or West, we have different ways of expressing love. Neither one is superior to another one. Love is love. When you love somebody, it’s just there.
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8
Frungy
When I drop my daughter off at hoikuen we have a little ritual, first she kisses me, then we touch noses, then she gently headbutts me, and then I kiss her on the forehead and tell her that I love her, and then I give her a hug and put her down and she wants a high-five before she heads off to join her friends. At first the hoikuen staff were dismayed by the little ritual, not because there was a ritual, but because of the public display of affection, now I notice some of the other children insisting on kisses or hugs before they leave their parents, and even verbal affirmations of the fact that they're loved.
My thoughts on this are simple, if I got in a car accident and died on my way to work I would like my daughter to know that I loved her. Yes, kisses, hugs, and little rituals are important, but it's also important to back those up with words, to make it 100% clear to the child that they are loved.
I notice that Japanese parents have no hesitation expressing themselves verbally when their children do something wrong in public, but when the child does something right they almost never tell them. This is a good example of unbalanced communication, where only negative behaviour is recognised verbally, and explains why a lot of Japanese prefer silence over speaking, and also the almost crippling aversion that many Japanese people (young and old) have to expressing themselves, because in their minds it is closely linked with being reprimanded.
So, in conclusion Makoto, I'd say that your parents having said, "I love you.", a bit more often would have been a very, very good thing. Yes, stroking a child's hair is important, as is brushing their hair and making sure they're well dressed, but it isn't enough. If you died on the way to work today wouldn't you regret not having said those words?
6
sakurala
This blog post doesn't really have a clear message. She feels that she wasn't given enough physical contact as a child but thinks she may have had some suck as her mother stroking her head at night. And she wants to be physically close and loving to her children even though she grew up (apparently) just fine without it. Yet again, she is doing the East vs West and fails by overgeneralizing.
0
It"S ME
Similar to Frungy.
I also have "rituals" with my son. We are close as we got no other close family here.
At times I get approached by strangers(we got known in the neighbourhood) who say it is great to see us walking down the road sharing jokes, etc.
At times he comes up and just wants a pat or climb under the sheets for 5 minutes. Often in the morning and he falls asleep again nestling against me.
Yes, public affection can be rare in japan, less so with younger couples and parents.
1
Richard Gustafson
Life is short. Show your love in any and all ways possible. Love is should e expressed but parents and families should decide for themselves why that means.
0
It"S ME
Richard.
100% some of the most tranquil times and when I felt closest to my family was when we did our hobbies in the same room and a look/glance can translate oh so much.
Same counts for lovers, etc. Real closeness, etc don't need words a touch a glance can say it all. At times me and son kill the TV, sit next to each other and simply listen to some music, cue the candles and incence and it is heaven. No words need to be said.
0
It"S ME
Makoto I think you are still trying to banish imaginary demons and are chasing shadows/dreams. The old way of thinking that childhood needs to be happy, etc been debunked a long time ago.
Accept who you are today, yes, our experiences(good and bad), etc shaped us but be comfy with whom you are now and do your best for your family and kids. And, yes, we will repeat the same mistakes our parents did.
No-one can do more, chasing dreams and trying to be someone else will fail and cause pain and suffering.
10
USNinJapan2
Her closing paragraph completely negates everything she's expressed in the previous four. What's the point of an opinion piece that doesn't try to convince the reader on a particular opinion. All I got from this article is that Mrs. Rexrode prefers to express her love for family through physical contact but that ultimately physical or non-physical doesn't matter. Then why write the article? And the clincher, "Love is love." Now, that's deep.
4
sakurala
It'sMe: I think you have the right idea...Public affection can be rare in Japan. But that doesn't mean that there isn't any happening at home. I think a lot of guys have fond memories of ear cleanings by their mothers in Japan which fills that physical closeness but would only be done at home. Also, Makoto's mother's generation and the current parents in Japan probably have quite a different take on what it means to be a good parent. Parenting values have shifted a lot over the past 100 years and not only in ''the West'' but also in Japan. Some may argue it is for the better and some may say the past values create better people, but I think it depends on the family and the balance of love, praise, discipline and encouragement.
0
borscht
Taught three kids in one family once and they were incredibly obnoxious and unmanageable. Then I saw the interaction between the parents (esp. the father) and the kids. ONLY negative behavior was addressed. Therefore, to get attention All the kids behaved badly. I complimented one kid in class and he was dumbstruck as to how to react; encouragement never happened to him before.
I also think Makoto is putting a lot of blame on her parents and then extrapolating her experience out to the rest of Japan. I've met many parents who are the opposite of hers. What is generally the case? Hard to say, but I feel it's changing toward more displays of affection.
0
tmarie
Oh dear, here we go again. Us vs them. "Suddenly I pictured that my mom was doing exactly the same thing to me when I was little." with regards to having her hair stroked but followed with "touching, kissing, or expressing love among family members is not our tradition in Japan". Which is it Matoko?
You're broad generalizations are old, overplayed and really not close to the truth. What is a "western" to you? What is this "western way" you mention? Do you consider third generation Indians to have Western ways? What about Chinese second generation? Or do you just simply mean white people?
Interesting, I am married to a Japanese man who kisses me before work, kisses me the minute I or he walks in the door, hugs are common, we both tell each other we love one another... Getting tired of these sweeping generalizations. As someone else said, yes, trying to banish demons and the like.
It just all comes off as very, very needy.
0
JapanGal
Generalizations. Pushing a stereo type. The West are not just one people and culture. Tmarie said it well in her second paragraph.
3
maplesugar
Makoto I was a little confused by your essay. In paragraph three you wrote that you didn't have confidence because you were taught to be humble and continuously improve. But then you begin paragraph four saying that "because of this" you concluded your lack of confidence was caused by a lack of physical affection. I'm not clear on the link between the ideas in those two paragraphs.
4
tokyokawasaki
Love without Words...
A better title for most relationships in Japan would be "Words without Love"...
Japanese society in general definitely needs more compassion, empathy and expression.
0
Samantha Zoe Aso
I too have the little rituals every morning at school and daycare drop off. I am naturally a very tactile person. I too have noticed looks from staff and other parents at my public displays of affection. No matter how naughty they've been or how angry I might be, I never send them to bed at night or go out the door without telling them how much I love them. My husband's family, to me, are a group of icebergs circumnavigating one another silently. I've never heard hubby's parents say one good word to him or about him! Infact, hubby used to think it was okay for him to just leave for work without saying a word of goodbye to anyone. I soon 'warmed' that out of him. He enjoys a close relationship now but it didn't come naturally to him. Old cycles die hard, I suppose!
Children aren't telepathic. They aren't mature enough to be able to pick up on signals or understand the emotional underlying dynamics of a situation. They need upfront love and attention which hopefully will help them to grow up confident and well balanced as a person.
When I am an old biddy, sat in the old folk's home in my wicker chair, I don't think you'll ever hear me mumbling 'I told my kids I loved them way too much!'. Most people will if anything reflect on how they wish they'd done more, shown more love etc. I wonder if there are survivors of the March 11 tragedy who wish that they had spoken differently or acted differently to those they lost that terrible day. So let it shine out. So hug your loved little ones, blow a farty kiss on their tummies, hi five , all those little rituals that parents have with their kids. To feel loved is indeed a great thing.
1
Nicky Washida
Personally, I dont think there can ever be enough physical love and affection and I cant get or give enough of it! With my husband, with my kids, with my friends and even occasionally with people I dont even know that well which has landed me in hot water in the past when a big hug expressed as gratitude or support has been misread as something else!!! I have GOT to stop hugging Japanese men - they really dont get it! But they just seem so in need of it sometimes!
I notice that culturally Japan is far less physically demonstrative then we are in the west - generally speaking. I think if you dont need that kind of love - and a lot of people dont - then you are fine, but the problems arise when someone who craves physical contact doesnt get it or vice versa - and I think there are many Japanese who are like that, just as there are many westerners to dont like physical contact so much.
Today is いい夫婦の日 (good husband and wife day) 11 / 22 - did anyone know that??! Last Friday I somehow wound up giving a speech about happy marriage to a room full of people. They were fascinated by our "style" of marriage, with me being the foreign wife. Like - for example - we NEVER call each other "otosan" and "okasan" because we are each individuals with our own names - that alone blew them away! Telling them we share housework, work and child duties and my husband cooks on the weekend had them gasping! When we hold hands in public, kiss hello and goodbye, hug and kiss the kids, show any kind of affection, the vast majority of people I notice around us are smiling and looking approving. I dont believe Japanese are cold or lacking in affection - they just need to see it around them more and "normalise" it.
Somebody mentioned about negative attention here in Japan. I completely agree with this. Just yesterday I called the local school because - kind of a long story but - a kid in a class there had done something really impressive for me. I didnt know where he lived but I knew his class so I called his teacher to tell him what a fabulous kid he had in there. He was blown away by my call. He kept confirming what I was saying was right, and that the kid hadnt done anything wrong! I spoke to my J friend later who told me the school only generally ever get phone calls from the public making complaints about the kids (she works there so she knows), so to get a phone call telling them how great one of them was just wouldnt have computed at all. I think thats really sad.
0
Nicky Washida
@frungy - I just have to tell you I have had EXACTLY the same experience! The only difference is that I point to bits of him (his nose, his tummy, his chin etc) and say "Can I eat that?" and then pretend to gobble him up! his little friends are fascinated and the teachers laugh, but I have noticed several Mums near me looking uncomfortable by the whole thing. I just dont care - this is "our" thing and you are right - if anything happens to me during the day i want his last memory to be of me saying "itadakimasu" munching on his arm and yelling oooiiiiishiiiiiii!
-7
NetNinja
I know some divorce lawyers who are incredibly happy to see these words. They could justify anything with that kind of mindset.
Of course, you can live without it. Would you be happy? Probably not.
I grew up with this story called "The Warm and Fuzzies" and "The Cold Broccoli's" Maybe you've heard it, maybe you haven't. Japanese culture when it comes to love is frigid and structured to the point of asphyxiation. Not all people are like that but there's definitely a more contractual obligation towards marriage than anything about love.
There is definitely a more superior kind of love out there. That why you have husbands and wives out there cheating to find it. It's amazing how complacent Japanese men and women are in their marriages. That's why Japanese have so many affairs. You're starving for it. Humans need physical attention like food.
I don't wish to criticize the author if she really believes in what she has written. So for now, I'll just say "Concerned"
1
Ed O Jidai
A lot of times people say the words, "I love you" simply because they are words they, themselves, want to hear. The intention, if not the actual words, that I often hear as a bystander is, "Tell me that you love me."
Words are overrated, often cheap.
Then again, a couple members of my immediate family were physically close with me on occasion and I didn't appreciate it at all. But that physical closeness often took the form of fists.
What I do appreciate is having been fed, clothed, housed, and schooled. Everything else is just icing on the cake.
If Makoto is a loving parent, no matter how she expresses it, it will be communicated. What her kids do with it is up to them.
-4
tmarie
Nicky, hate to say it but the phone calls and school is the same in the "west". Only negative things get a phone call. When I taught back home I made it a policy that for every "bad" phone call home I made, I would make one "good" one. Parents were SHOCKED that I would be calling to let them know that their child had improved, did a great job on a test... and wasn't calling to them them something bad. I found it rather sad too. Sadly, not a lot of teachers - nor public - call for the positives.
Your husband sounds like mine - and when I talk to the locals, they are shocked. Yes, he cooks, cleans, doesn't leave the house without a kiss and an "I love you". They think he can't be Japanese. Honestly, if THEY would treat their husbands the way they wanted to be treated, I think the men would do the same here. My husband's family has changed a lot since I came into the picture. Before it was dinner in silence with the TV on, FIL in leaving as soon as he shoveled in the food... I don't allow the TV on in my house, we talk, we wait until everyone is done. My husband told his parents about this and now they do it while we are there - and MIL has said while we are not. If it isn't family culture, it isn't family culture. I could easily find families like this back home regardless of passport and race.
-3
smithinjapan
She DOES touch on the differences in culture and HINTS that it might not matter, but it's pretty ambiguous. Nicer than her last post, at any rate (that's an opinion!).
-3
smithinjapan
Ed: "Words are overrated, often cheap."
They CAN be, yes, but they can also be used well, and when meant prove a beautiful supplement to the other forms of showing affection.
-3
BlueWitch
@sakurala
Good point, Sakurala As a person born in this country, I utterly despise and hate the west/east comparisons. They really lack credibility and makes you a bigot, with all due respect. Makoto, it seems to me, haven't seen TV lately. The Japanese woman that abducted the little girl from the U.S. and finally got arrested in Hawaii. International marriages are not a game or a way to have children and then take them with you to Japan. Children are human beings with their own feelings and lives. I'm married to a Japanese man, so I'm not entirely qualified to talk about International marriage but I'm disgusted as how many Japanese women/men marry Foreign persons in order to have kids and then take them away like property or something. I hope Makoto here never ever does something like that if she ever finds herself longing to return home. Being parents means more than giving birth and raise, it means having respect for your children's own rights and livinghood. Children will ultimately grow and have the last word.
-3
BlueWitch
@tmarie
Haha, Makoto as her "generalizations"...
Here, just like Tmarie, my man who happens to be Japanese, does the same thing...kissing, embracing, everything on the affection list. To say that traditionally WE do this or that is completely nonsense, Makoto. Read this: NOT ALL JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE TRADITIONAL AS YOU SO MUCH TRY TO PORTRAY!!!
1
sakurala
Blue WItch: Happy to hear that your marriage is blissfull. I am also blessed with a sweet husband and when we are ready to be parents we will hopefully be able to balance the ''traditional'' strictness and encouragement with love, compliments and hugs.
-3
Nicky Washida
Agree to a point, but I think general awareness is increasing and people are wanting to change. The number of people crammed into the room I was speaking in last week just to hear how to improve theeir marriages and bring more love and affection into it are testament to that.
I think more and more people here in Japan are not prepared to gaman, and put up with what their parents put up with anymore. They see relationshps in movies, Korean dramas, what have you, and they want to feel like that.
0
sillygirl
a quick kiss - "we can live without it" - maybe you can but don
t lump my intercultural family in with yours. we cant live without it.0
Akula
As per previous columns, once again this author troubles me with her sweeping generalisations.
Japan Today readers are probably a difficult audience to write for, but I would like Makoto to give things a bit more thought, rather than rely on lazy stereotypes.
Moderator: There is no reason for you to be troubled. We invited the writer to submit her thoughts on various issues that she discusses on her blog because, in turn, that generates good discussion among our readers.
3
GW
Tmarie,
I am willing to bet your husband is the way he is in large part because he married YOU, if he had married a Japanese I bet his behavior wud be VERY different, spouses affect each other in ways.
Moderator
Readers, please do not get personal.
3
Foxie
Love without words - that's how we met, him and me. It took years to have a normal conversation. Maybe the best thing of it was that if you can't talk, you can't fight. And since we got so used to that idea, we hardly ever had a fight, not even now. Just some little nagging here and there.
5
GW
As many have pointed out, lots of realtionships seem cool in Japan as opposed to warm, its the reason I often point out how cold people can be here.
When the mrs & I end up at some family restaurant, the sights of many families around us is depressing as hell, Japan imo wud be a better place if people were a little warmer, but hey if they dont wanna be, its their life, just glad it AINT mine!
2
kurisupisu
Plenty of love given in Japan.Still it is the case that most children here stay in their parents bed until 9-10 years of age.
0
Nicky Washida
I dont think GW is getting too personal and I think he is absolutely right too. tmarie would be complimented by that comment, as would I, and there is no doubt in my mind that my husband married me for similar reasons and is the way he is because of the way I am - and me likewise.
One of the things I spoke about at the seminar was how you figure out enough to know this relationship has potential and then how to move forward and turn it into something that you both want. No two people are ever a perfect fit, but if you have the basics (and what constitutes a "basic" varies from person to person) then you can move forwards with training each other to meet the rest of your needs. The trick is how to do this in such a way that you grow together, not apart.
What might work for one couple or family may not work for another and vice versa - but to be honest, I see a lot of miserable couples and families here, so I dont see lack of affection or the attitude of "I dont need to say anything, he/she just knows" working out too well for many people. No-one in the world whoever or wherever they have come from I believe would ever take nothing over a basic compliment or show of appreciation for what they do. That is basic human nature. In short - you want to get the best out of someone - tell them and show them how fabulous they are. The response is usually pretty amazing! And I am not just talking out of my western butt here - virtually every Japanese I have worked with on this subject reports back similar results.Still many more WANT to know how to do this.
-1
gogogo
@sakurala
Good point, I also agree the same applies in many situations in Japan
0
SpanishEyez37
When my husband and I are out together, we are always holding hands and he always tries to ''sneak'' a kiss to me. He looks around to see if anyone is looking to give me a quick kiss . It's like we're in high school and we don't want the gown ups to see. It makes me smile.
I find it so awesome,because has some ''Japanese shyness '' to him.
As some posters have pointed out, I feel sad when I see some couples with no passion. Or they are both playing with their ketais. Mind. Boggled.
-1
JapanGal
Love without words is like being deaf without hands.
Those that are deaf are able to love even though they are using sign. Spoken words come in many ways.
How do the deaf and blind express love if they do not speak the same sign language.
I find it sad when passion disappears. There needs to be a magical pill to keep the passion alive.
0
Nicky Washida
There is! :-) But sadly it is not always used for the one it is supposed to be used with ;) !
4
Tamarama
I think what she concludes is that the behavioural approach to love is determined by cultural attitudes. Are Japanese people not as well adjusted as their western counterparts because of a lack of physical/verbal expressions of love? No, I don't think so. Are they less loved because of it? No, they aren't. Is one approach better than the other? No. It just suits one group more appropriately. I have come to really appreciate the gentle, subtle Japanese approach to love and affection. It's so nice to see my in-laws interacting with each other in a happy and joyful family life. Does it resemble the way I was brought up? Not really. There is way less hugging, kissing and overt dispays of affection. Do I think they are poorer for it? Nup. Clearly not.
0
USNinJapan2
j4p4nFTW
Wow. Just, wow.
0
Johannes Weber
@j4p4nFTW:
I certainly hope that your post was irony. However, I admit I am not convinced. Children have a right that their parents express their love and their interest in their development. All others outside be damned, but a parent that would not risk her safety, status and wealth for her child's well-being and try to see that her child can follow its own path to happiness should have better abstained from procreation. Children have an unalienable right that both of their parents are available for them (in whatever way that is practically possible). It is certainly not their duty to pass on any family line. This is stuff, which is clearly beyond where homophobic or eugenic nonsense starts. Children have the duty to grow up (physically and mentally) and become adults. That's all.
It is insane to follow tradition, if it is unnatural and against the needs of your soul. If you're perfectly fine without any physical affection, it is your inalienable human right to live without it. If others need it, their right to get it from their loved ones is just as unalienable. If your loved ones need affection and you don't, then don't complain about their affairs or a divorce. In that case, it is their unalienable right to be human as they are. With these I don't say anything good about affairs, but in such case it is the lesser of two evils.
My observation is that many younger Japanese people crave for affection. This is the reason why a word like "RABURABU" exists in Japanese. When I hear this word, it is spoken most of the time with a mix of being too shy to actually show affection in public oneself and the deep longing for someone actually showing thataffection . I never heard anyone being annoyed by "RABURABU" of their friends. Instead they say that these couples are "KAWAII" or "KAKKOII".
My Japanese girlfriend initially had huge problems just hugging when we parted for one or more weeks at the station. By now, I guess she is more behind hugging than I had ever been. It is clearly not a particularly Japanese thing not to care about physical affection.
7
BlueWitch
@Moderator:
With all due respect, sir/madam
You think "generalizations" about western cultures are appropiate in order to have a good discussion? I mean, western cultures with "S" are too many and too different to slap all of them into one single category as Makoto is doing in her posts. If I was to make generalizations about Foreign persons I bet all my posts would be wiped out.
All I'm saying is Makoto should stop trying to ridicule Foreign nationals was calling ALL of them "westerners" because as far as I know about geography...Sri Lanka is NOT western or Mexico or Iceland for that matter...
Let's STOP generalizing everything and everyone.
JAPAN is not as UNIQUE as some people would like everyone to think, because I was born here, I know for certain I am NOT unique or more special than any of my Foreign friends... I hope I am understood.
2
GW
Nicky,
Absolutely CORRECT! Dont think I was getting personal at all, tmaire, if you think I was, it wasnt my intent, but I am sure you wud figure that out LOL!
Myself & the mrs, we have clearly both had influence on each other, a very good mix if I do say so my self!
-3
tmarie
No worries with me - wasn't insulted in the least! Indeed, he probably is very different with me and our marriage than he would be with someone else. He brings out the best in me, I hope I bring out the best in him. Perhaps if people here were a little nicer, a little more affectionate, there wouldn't be the "cold" stereotype here? That being said though, my husband is shy out in public with kisses and the like. Who says other couples aren't and are the same as us at home?! ;)
0
Blair Herron
Isono Namihei never says "Aishiteru" to his wife and children. He never hugs anybody in his family. But many viewers see him a loving husband and a loving father. Japanese emperor never says "Aishiteru" to his wife and gives her hugs in public. Don't know what they do in private, but even if they don't have much words and hugs in private/public, personally I can see him a loving husband. Ishida Junichi & Haga Kenji say "Aishiteru" to every woman they meet. Wada Akiko kisses everybody she meets. As some people say here, "Generalization of Japanese are like this and that" is not convincing. Kids need loves from their parents in Japan, US, Bhutan... everywhere. Some people show their affection by hugs and kisses, some show in different ways. That depends on a person's preference, not defined by their nationality.
1
j4p4nFTW
Mr Weber san,
No, it was not irony at all. But it was taken down due to personal information. So I will attempt to rephrase what I was saying. Please bear with me and I apologize for having made a mistake which led to me having to post my comment in a rephrased manner.
I think it's important to have a discussion on this issue, but to remember that in Japan, the Japanese custom and tradition is to be followed. It is frowned upon for couples to engage in physical affection in public. Of course you may see university age couples sometimes engage in this behavior, but it is not tolerated in adult relationships.
People may wonder why different cultures have different rules about affection in public. I think cultures where there is a strong male warrior tradition frown on public displays of affection because they are perceived as not being manly. I don't know whether or not this is true, but it appears to be true in Japan. And everyone who lives here should respect those social rules.
1
okimike67
How Sweet, and on Ii no FuFu no less! Think I am going to go check my biscuits, they might be burning.
Really surprised to see such generalizations here, guess I really shouldnt though. Things must be strange when I finf myself in agreement with BlueWitch. painting with a broad brush rarely give a detailed image and could not be more true here.
1
Johannes Weber
@j4p4nFTW:
I have come to frown myself over exaggerated displays of affection by other people in public since I'm here. I didn't have any intention in insulting You with my post and regret if I did. However, Your post seemed to be so far away (especially with respect to Your children) from all that I could perceive up to now (either in Japan or in Europe) that I was extremely startled to read it.
I disagree about the need to follow traditions. That would require assimilation to a society. This cannot be and will never be the goal of a strong-willed individual. Adaptation is good. Evaluating again how Your own actions are perceived by others is an obvious contribution to a harmonic society. However, this does not mean giving up one's native culture or one's human nature while one is a guest (or a permanent resident or a native) here.
I do not think that these different points of view about physical displays of affection or not are necessarily related to physical and mental age. Furthermore, I wonder why You consider university students as something else than adults. Since university students reach the age of twenty in this country during their second year, they have to be considered as fully-fledged adults.
The expectation at which age people are adults and have to behave as adults differs between different cultures (and even between cities and countryside). Since the expectations and the way how young adults are treated differ in all countries, the natural conclusion is that the typical mental age might be very different in various environments. Even though seniority is highly-respected here, it reflects poorly on those who think that their higher age is cause for a greater wisdom.
As a final point, You might be well aware that all European countries have knightly traditions reaching back as far or even further in some cases than the Japanese Bushi culture, with many ideas of "manly behaviour" still persistent. However, the rules about displaying affection in public are definitely not the same as in Japan. I conclude here that chivalry and the Japanese tatemae (which I consider as responsible for Your point of view) are more or less unrelated.
1
GW
Eh..............................NO!
I thought yr deleted post was sarcasm, kinda scary to find out it wasnt
4
BlueWitch
@j4p4nFTW
So according to you..my husband, Nicky's husband, Tmarie's husband, Cleo's, Sakurala's, Samantha's.. are NOT manly because of their display of affection/love to us? All of these men are Japanese, born and raised in Japan, as far as I know... Hmmm.. The world would be so much better without senseless generalizations, you know?
0
Allison Honig
I don't have kids... nor am I even close but I can tell what you mean.
3
Nicky Washida
No, it is frowned upon by YOU and some others. It is very obviously not frowned upon by the many many people who tell me what a great relationship we have, how they wish theirs was more like ours and how lovely it is to see people being happy like us in public. (Though I will agree there is a limit - no-one wants to see people eating each other in public!)
Most countries have this, it is basic anthropology
We had a social rule years ago back home where women suspected of being witches were burned alive in public. Thank God we have been able to move on from that tradition. Thank God the majority of Japanese seem to be able to move forward too. What a miserable place it would be otherwise.
With all due respect feel free to stick to your traditions if it makes you "happy" - me, my husband and many thousands of other Japanese are creating new ones that make us and the country happy. If you cant stand seeing someone holding hands in public or kissing their children I suggest you dont go out.
-5
Nicky Washida
Mine was too! I recommend a trip to Osaka! Seriously! He kissed me and hugged me a few times there and the women around us swooned in that over-loud, over-excited kansai style with screams of "kakkoi!!" "iinaaaa!" - he puffed up like a peacock and we never looked back! You could almost hear his brain chugging along thinking "So THIS is how I become a chick-magnet?!"
Now in Tokyo he kisses me and almost looks around waiting for the attention to start! Sadly for him, Tokyo women are a little more reticent but he trys!
-1
tmarie
Nicky, he's from Osaka! ;) He will hug and kiss in public now - but always checks to see if anyone is around and/or watching. I find it rather cute!
I get "complimented" on him by friends, students, strangers when they see/hear about how affection he is or how much he helps at home. I tell these women (always the women who comment) that ALL of my Japanese ex's were like this. Why? Well, because I treated them with respect, was openly affectionate with them, asked them to help when I needed help... I don't think it is rocket science. Hug and kiss them and they will hug and kiss you back. There just seems to be a total lack of communication here between sexes. Treat those as you want to be treated and well, reap the affection back, get the respect, get the help... I don't get why this is such a foreign concept here. I find it goes with all things here - work, housework... Seems some women expect their men to fall all over them, help at home, pay for everything, bring in all the money... while giving very little back to the men. No wonder some of them don't get told they are loved and hugged and kissed. I wouldn't stick around if that was the case.
With regards to kids, I don't get it. I think people hear show their love in different ways (huge stereotype) but more and more people are hugging and kissing their kids. How could they not?? They're kids!!
3
Nicky Washida
Tmarie, you and I need to get together for my next presentation!
Interesting hypothesis I have just come up with in the last 24 hours. I have been to a kindergarten event, and a daycare event, and chatted with many mothers on this topic, with it being いい夫婦の日 yesterday and all. Just a theory at this stage but: almost all kindergarten mothers (who dont work) complained that their husbands did nothing around the house and they essentially were cold and uncommunicative. Today with the daycare mothers (who all work) a great number of them were saying that their husbands are wonderful and they share duties at home. One even calls her husband "Sebastian" after the butler in Heidi, and he was laughing about it too. Hes a great guy.
My point is NOT that when you get stay at home mothers that the men should be helping at home too, but more that from my experience where you get strict "division of labour" you also get strict division of relationship too, and people essentially living separate lives. The men cant understand the women, the women cant understand the men, and so it goes on.
Last night my husband crawled in at 2am reeking of tobacco and chu-hai with all but a traffic cone on his head. I wasnt bothered at all (though I made him head straight for the shower!), knew all about it in fact. How come? Because he had called me once and texted me 4 times during the evening. He told me this morning that last night a bunch of people at the party were teasing him and saying "Are you texting your girlfriend??!" his answer was "Yes, Im even married to her!" They asked why he was bothering and he said "Because shes home alone with 3 kids while I am out partying and it is not fair on her. When she goes out she lets me know where she is and what she is doing and I am returning the same respect. Thats why we are so happy" (or words to that effect) - cue 20 hardened salarymen in an Izakaya somewhere in Asakusa grinding to a halt and reaching for their cellphones!
What you say is absolutely true - whatever you give out you will absolutely get it back - be it love and affection or nagging and disrespect.
-3
tmarie
Good theory. And good story - mine also texts while out to let me know what time he'll be home. If he's going to be too late, I won't wait up. If he's going to be early, I'll wait so I can say hello, give him a kiss, get him a glass of water - and send him to the showers as I refuse to sleep next to him when he reeks of an izakaya!
We had a "family" day at his work a few weeks ago. I was the only wife with no kids who went. Many sent their husbands with the kids alone. I couldn't help but think "You selfish cows" for the ones with no kids and couldn't help but wonder why the ones with kids didn't go. I get they want a day for themselves sometimes but do they ever take the kids all weekend and leave dad alone? So much for "family" day.
Mine theory would be that those who aren't working and who expect hubby to help out after they get home from a day at the house are selfish princesses who want their cake, want to eat it, want hubby to pay for it and then offer to do the dishes! If I was a man coming home from a day at the office and was met with that attitude, I wouldn't be offering up and love and kisses either! I wouldn't want to be nagged from the minute I get in the door - or be met with silence. It is a shocking reality that some females here really do think that they can stay home and not working and expect hubby to help out at home. Something has to give and usually sex and affect is the first thing that goes.
Indeed, it would be great if these guys came home and helped out but I don't think it can be "expected" of them. If wives expect that, can't the husband expect her to get a job and make some cash? I really, really don't get the mentality of these types of women - and try and avoid them as best I can
Much like you, the people I know with international marriages are the ones where both work. I think there is a bit more understanding with the stress and give and take of it all. The ones that I know are the bitterest are the men who are married the j ladies who claimed they would always work and well, don't. I had to listen to tales of sexless marriages from numerous men this past weekend. Half are jerks, half are great who really don't get what is going on. Many want to get a divorce but know they won't see their kids so... waiting until the kids are 18. Sad.
Would love to present on this topic. I get tired of the J male bashing that goes on from gguys and jwomen. Karma. Treat people how you want to be treated...
2
DS
I would like to add that, for all the faux generalizations and 'wisdom' in this latest blog offering, it did have one shining bright spot. Makoto's precious "MBA programme" wasn't mentioned. For that alone, it was worth reading.
As for the myth that Japanese are cold and unphysical, I have a question- just where does the katakana word "Skinship" come from? And why is it necessary if there is no physical affection in Japan? I see lots of familial affection here that would raise eyebrows back home-families bathing together, sleeping in a communal futon, massaging each other....
I think things fall apart at the couple/romantic level. Japanese have less sex than most other nationalities according to most research. There is often much less casual contact and intimacy between couples.
And as another writer said, the absolute WORST buzz kill is when couples call each other "oto-san" and "0ka-san". I mean directly when addressing each other, not merely referring to each other. I have even heard foreigners doing so- wow. No need to go into details, but I can't see it being very stimulating for a healthy physical relationship.
3
herefornow
For the years I raised my son as a single parent, I gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek first thing every morning and one before heading off to bed. And even though he is now 24, I do the same thing when I see him once or twice a week, even at his place of work, in front of his colleagues. I thank God every day that we have that kind of relationship and that he is comfortable with expressing his emotions with me. It may be the best thing I did for him as a parent. As Makoto says, every culture and every relationship is different, and there is no right or wrong way to display affection, but the Japanese lack of physical closeness was never something I could adjust to.
2
dolphingirl
It is a fact that children need touch and physical affection for normal emotional development. Yes, we do have different ways of expressing love but the human need for touch is universal. No, we can't live without it.
I, too, do not understand what the writer's point is. She first concludes that her lack of confidence was not caused by her parent's lack of physical closeness and then goes on to say that therefore it's okay if parents don't give their kids physical affection. It is not a logical argument.
0
Disillusioned
What a load of hogwash! Kids need to feel the love of their parents. My kids are still confused as to why papa is so loving and caring and their Jp mum is such a cold hearted b!tch. They always ask me, "Why doesn't mama kiss me?
0
Mammee Buena
I wast touched at the first part, Yes because i believe that all the children regardless of what their parents nationality is or traditions are... only deserve love and affection..and I give my 100% support on showing them love publicly or privately. A hug, a kiss or saying i love yous and giving them butterfly kisses when leaving for school is really wonderful. My son cannot sleep if He doesn't say goodnight and doesnt get his goodnight kiss.. Our touch and affection i believe is one of the most important foundation for them to be a good person as they grow up.. make them feel (through TOUCH) and to let them know (through WORDS) that they are safe & loved is a very essential part of our job being a parent..The blog made me read it twice as it doesn't have a clear direction, i'm sorry...
0
Taka313
Reading about the various rituals that people have with their small children was really touching. I had those things with my kids as well. I can tell you all this, as your children get older and become more independent, you lose a little of that, and boy is it heartbreaking.
Taka
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