Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?
“Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?”
I found this quote and picture on “People Who Inspire Us” on Facebook. Yep, I was that orange in Japan. No one asked me, “Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?” I had no choice but to “try to” fit in. That was all I knew: being the same as everybody else. As many of you know, Japan is a homogeneous society and it’s hard if you are different, especially being a different Japanese. Big cities like Tokyo are a bit different, but I am from a small and very traditional town in Nagasaki Prefecture.
Because I was different, I was taught I was wrong. Because I was different, I was bullied in my high school. So I tried very hard NOT to stand out in college: doing the same (boring) things as the others did. Then everything was fine and no one bothered me. I wasn’t happy when I was not myself, trying to do what society expected me to do, though. So I decided to leave Japan. After I moved to Canada, I discovered what I am and I have felt like I am living my life. You can clearly tell the difference in my pictures before and after I left japan.
Now I am living in the U.S. An interesting thing about the U.S .is that there are many subgroups or societies in the country, which require different expectations. Do you remember the movie, “Pretty Woman,” starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? When Roberts’ character—who is a hooker—goes to a luxurious store, none of the sales staff want to deal with her. But when she goes back to the same store, after she has polished up, they are all over her!
Another interesting thing is that each state has different laws and regulations. You can find a society or a place that you belong to or you feel comfortable with. I have been living in the U.S. for almost eight years. We have lived in Virginia, Guam, Nebraska and Connecticut. Finally, I feel like I have found a society which I belong to. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else that I am not. It’s just so natural to be with those people in this society.
Many people don’t want to stand out or to be different because they don’t want to be alone. I learned in one class from my MBA program, Consumer Behavior, that many people want to conform to a majority if they are asked their opinions in the presence of the others. It’s not talking about Japan but about people in general. Even in the U.S., I struggled a bit for being different, because I saw some people around me wanting to be a part of a certain group and I thought that was what I had to do. But, a year or so ago, I just accepted that I was different and I found it better to spend time on what I want to do for my life rather than trying to fit in a group or a community I didn’t belong to. After this decision, my life has dramatically changed and blossomed. So many good things have been happening in my life and my family life. I think it’s because I have been focusing on “my life.”
Photo credit: Satish Lawate
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61 Comments
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7
Akula
Once again I have trouble with what this author is saying, following on from the 'I should be the polite one, I am Japanese' shocker.
'Japan is a homogenous society' should read Japan is a largely homogenous society. Ainu, Ryukyuans, Koreans, people of mixed heritage, naturalised citizens etc. etc.
7
Pukey2
Akula:
That's exactly what I was going to say. Once you hear this 'Japan is homogenous' BS, my eyes start rolling and I think of people like Aso Taro. In addition to the 'I should be the polite one because I'm Japanese' BS in the author's second article, in her first article (which surprisingly was well received by JT posters), I switched off when she started rambling about blue eyes and broad shoulders in the third or fourth paragraph. These articles start of as sounding different or refreshing, but after a few sentences turn into the usual cliched stuff.
The author goes on and on about being different, but I'm struggling to understand in what way she was different. Did she have curly hair? (One of my Japanese colleague's sister was sent home from school in tears after being told to straighten her hair - she and her brother have naturally curly hair and are of 100% Yamato stock). Did she have lesbian tendencies? Did she associate with foreigners? Was she an ethnic Korean? Was she the only Goth in the school?
I'm glad she's happy now, but I'm not learning anything from these articles. Nothing personal to the author. Just my opinions.
11
cleo
Sorry, but I don't understand. In what way does the author think she is 'different'? How can anyone be 'born to be' different? Babies are born to be babies.
She says of America that 'each state is different', that she has lived in several states, struggled a bit for being 'different' and 'finally' found a place she felt she belongs to (in Connecticut'?), and that she didn't fit in in Japan (=Nagasaki? Or has she lived in as many different bits of Japan as she has lived in different bits of America?) So she's willing to give America several chances, but Japan is uniformly stereotyped from her experiences in one place.
Methinks her present happiness and sense of belonging is more due to her happy marriage (for which I'm happy for her) than to her location.
2
Pukey2
Who knows - Connecticut might just be the oddball in USA!
4
tmarie
Agreeing with all of the above comments. I can only take so much "us" and "them" at the bets of times and for a women who wrote the international marriage article, she certainly seems back and forth on the issues of individuality and not labeling and comparing "we Japanese" and "you foreigners".
Cleo, I am just wondering if her happiness isn't because she feels she escaped a country she seems to dislike so much.
1
katamari_on_da_sea
An interesting article, but I would really like to understand better what made the author feel and be regarded as different. What made you feel not like other Japanese? And what did you start doing overseas that made you happy?
We all seek answers to the question of what we're really after on the inside. Share some details with us ?
1
katamari_on_da_sea
And I think you guys need to give her a break for putting up the 'homogenous' idea. It's pretty true that Japan is much more homogenous than western nations. Give her some credit for acknowledging it instead of just tearing it down.
4
kanoe81
It would certainly help this article if the author were to illustrate what made her so different in Japan. Was it personality, a physical feature, a harelip? I honestly have no idea. Truthfully, any of these things could make one a target of derision in a Western country as well. This article almost just feels like a blog rant rather than a full article. Some examples of why she feels the way she does would make this far more interesting rather than some sweeping generalizations of Japan vs the US. Most of us are on the site because we have some knowledge or interest in Japan but are also familiar with the West (i.e., this site is in English, English is spoken mostly in Western countries), so details would be helpful.
-9
Makoto from East
Katamari and Kanoe, I am happy to answer your questions. Since I was little I always had something which makes me stand out. Mostly it's my personality. I say my opinions clearly compared to the other Japanese but I feel very normal in the US. In my hometown which is very traditional, women were expected to be quiet and not to say so much (until we get married). Also, I always know what I want and I get what I want. I was that way in Japan, too. But, in Japan, you may meet many Japanese women (not all of them) say "I don't know", which many Japanese men find it cute. Big cities like Tokyo are different but my home town was that way. I got attention even in Canada and Sweden, and I get attention in the US. Most of the time people enjoy conversation with me and listening to my honest but sincere opinions from me. They find them quiet refreshing. These attention in these foreign countries have led me to a good direction, and people come around me for it and they like that I am unique. Is it clear?
4
bicultural
Makoto, I'm from the States and I'm surprised that you didn't mention the fact that a lot of Americans try so hard to stand out when in fact they are very ordinary or normal people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a big fan of the "nail that sticks out ..." culture either.
4
cleo
It could very well be that that is what she feels. From her blog, it's apparent she's a navy wife; I wonder if she'd feel so good if she were left alone in Connecticut while hubby went off on his ship for months on end? Or if (heaven forbid) he divorced her? Can't say for sure of course, but I imagine a lot of the glister would fade and she might want to come home. It's people that make us happy, not places.
5
ubikwit
simply speaking one's opinions does not make one different. having opinions that help others to better understand the world is something that will gain respect from others. there are people who stand out in japanese society based on their accomplishments, as perceived by the japanese.
being bullied is terrible, and bullying is not unique to japan, nor is pressure to conform.
just because you are living in a foreign country in a foreign culture doesn't make you "unique", though you are different from the natives. it is natural that some people will be interested in hearing the opinions of a foreigner, and the attention must be nice and make you feel welcome, especially after having been bullied and felt neglected in japan.
on the other hand, it is cliched to say that japanese society is "homogenous", and there are a rash of pundits trying to sell 1970s "me-generation" mentality to japanese.
it's nice that you have made friends who want to hear your "honest and sincere opinions", but it is ludicrous to say that people don't share their inner thoughts with each other in japan, no matter what communication strategy they employ.
as an american expatriate in japan, i find the interactions i have with people to be more genuine than with many in america, who are more overtly concerned with status and the like as opposed to things in which they have an intrinsic interest.
0
Cos
In what were you superior ? Family had more money obviously. Then you ended up exactly like the school buddies. From what you say, you got the life of a totally conformist Japanese woman, or a totally conformist American woman, or any petite bourgeoise on the planet. Not that I have any problem with it, I am a very average person myself, not everybody can be Lady Gaga. I simply don't see what you achieved better than the millions of others. What difference now ? If you have some artwork or original success story, let us know.
3
The Munya Times
That's what I hear all day from the Japanese. What's make her different? She is the most typical Japanese living abroad and will remain that for all time. She just couldn't say any pure or original thoughts of her.
1
Al Stewart
@ubikwit you are right, but she does illustrate that Tokyo is different than where she grew up. I live in Shizuoka now and i can understand what she means. Many dont give their opinion even if it will make a difference. Many people here dont want to stand out even if it is in positive way, they just dont want the attention. In many cases what many other countries consider confidence, in japan it is considered arrogance. In american english we have generally more levels to personality, ie: modesty, confidence, arrogance. Where in japan it seems like there are only two, ie: modesty and arrogance.
3
The Munya Times
Oh and one more thought for Makoto.
I personally don't care if I am different or not, as being different is not the measurement of the self. I just wanna be myself the way I am, I accept myself I learned to live together with myself and don't give a damn how many other people are like me, homogeneous or not, blah blah blah.
Also, doing the same thing that the others do and not to stand out cannot be a problem and wouldn't curtail your very self and personality if you have a strong one at all.
An eagle is an eagle even when not soaring in the sky and an ostrich is an ostrich even when fantasizing she is flying. The point is they should except themselves for what they are.
2
The Munya Times
except=accept
I did it again. You see, that's me and I will remain like that forever, and I'm happier with the fumbling myself ( 'cause that's me) than I could be with a different, maybe perfect one that is not me, just an illusion that I made out to make myself believe I am different.
1
Cos
Please, name a country where mentioning "hey I have a MBA" 5 times in 5 articles is not perceived as confidence. Confidence is the "I have a BS in BS" t-shirt.
They don't want to embarrass others. Just like in my town in gaikoku. That doesn't mean that many don't make efforts to progress above the average. Look at that guy that had a Nobel price. He was not interested in the fame, but he is very ambitious about his research.
Doesn't any gaijin, be he/she passionating or boring, get attention in Japan (in China, in Kenya, in Finland, in Galapagos...) ?
-1
Cos
Errata
I meant "IS perceived".
1
Nicky Washida
Looking back to nearly 10 years ago when I first came to Japan, it is really interesting to see the process I have gone through in adapting and fitting into a new society and culture. With hindsight, the phases I went through can be clearly seen.
Some people are lucky enough to figure out who they are at a young age. Some people never figure it out, but most people go through a process in their twenties where they "find their identity", if the pop- books are to be believed.
So when I arrived fresh off the boat, looking forward to being "a polite and sophisticated businesswoman from London" I was in for a bit of a shock! Everyone here seemed far more polite and sophisticated than I could ever hope to be! From that point I embarked on a process of trying to be more Japanese than a Japanese, speaking, dressing, acting like the model women I saw around me. Surprise surprise, I wasnt comfortable or happy at all.
Then I rebelled and went totally the opposite way for a while, being as foreign and "different" as I could possibly make myself. Not a big shocker then, that this didnt work either. I wasnt comfortable because - again - it wasnt who I really was. But then, who was I now? Everything I thought I knew about myself had kind of been turned inside out by lifting myself out of everything I knew and understood and plonking myself down in a foreign land. I really wish I had studied something on culture shock before I came here!
Gradually I figured out who I now was, and it took quite a long time. I am never going to be Japanese, and that is OK. I am never going to be truly "foreign" either, now that I have made my life, language and career here. With many ups and downs I have finally reached a place where I can honestly say I know who I am, and am comfortable being myself. And interestingly, ever since I got to that place, the reaction from most people around me has been noticeable different. It seems that the less I care what the people around me think of me, the more highly they think of me! By that I dont mean I dont care if I offend anyone - quite the opposite in fact - I care deeply how I affect people who encounter me on a daily basis. But I mean that if I can honestly say I have done the right thing and still encounter hostiity, I now write it off as their problem, not mine. So simple, but it has taken a long time to get to that point for some reason!
-1
Sasoriza
It took me longer to post here,than others (I have a baby and a 2y.o. master of destruction at home), but actually after reading Mrs Rexrode's article and the comments after it, I felt that Mrs Rexrode being different didn't have much with appearance rather than inner values, which probably defied the social norms in the social group she was raised in. Obviously I was right. Actually, I've met many Japanese people living abroad, who somehow felt different than the average Hanako and Taro.Many of them had chosen to live and work abroad exactly because they felt ostracized in their own society.Some women had chosen to work abroad as volunteers because in Japan they were pushed to marry and live as housewives , and they wanted to work. Some prefered foreign men because they've had enough of soshoku danshi (the term is new, the species-not) while they were tough, strong, carreer-oriented ladies. Here in Japan, in reality it is the "different", not fitting Japanese who actually engage in sincere conversations and friendship with foreigners, because while our values often don't fit the Japanese society, these different Japanese hold values close to ours.
Abroad, however, is abroad, and living in Europe an Asian certainly stands out-by her looks, style, language, some traditional behavioral patterns she accepted and decided to follow from her original culture (like being extra polite) make her stand out.We call such people cosmopolitans- citizens of the world.The future belongs to them, I think.
-5
frank07
give the author a break man. I'm sure we all get the idea that Japan is a conformist, traditional society. As expats, we can find exceptions or even take exception to this generalization, but how about reading the statistics on the demographics of Japan and then letting those facts sink in.
1
Foxie
Just be who you are. I don't care what people think and I don't try to stand out nor do I try to fit in. I am who I am and whoever has a problem with it is his problem not mine.
1
TakahiroDomingo
i think all kids all over the world react to outliers with abuse. it's some sort of defense mechanism. and perhaps it's particularly bad here in japan. i admire you, dear lady Makoto, for being different, and bringing up the subject, and i hope this helps. long live the difference among us!
1
tmarie
"I got attention even in Canada and Sweden, and I get attention in the US. Most of the time people enjoy conversation with me and listening to my honest but sincere opinions from me. They find them quiet refreshing.
Could it be that you go looking for attention and perhaps your 'People like me oh so much" attitude is what caused your Japanese classmates to well, not exactly admire you? Foreigners everywhere get attention because they are different. Perhaps chatting to a few foreigners in Japan who lived off base and in the "real Japan" for more than a handful of years would reveal how WE get treated here and how much attention we get.
There are numerous Japanese out there that march to the beat of their drum- usually once they get out of high school. It isn't a Japanese thing. If you chatted to kids in the US they would all tell you what group they are in - as you need a group to survive. Things change when you get out of high school. I see no difference though perhaps Japan takes it one step further with uniforms and the like.
Cleo, fair point. A military wife in any country usually doesn't have the "norm" in terms of what civies have. Created communities, people always coming and going and having to learn to socialize quickly is important as a wife who follows her hubby around in such a world. Great that she can deal with that - I doubt many others would - but this "we" and "them" is getting a bit much. Clearly is a Japanese women who doesn't feel like she got what she deserved in the country. Good for her getting out and being happy but she isn't special in those regards.
1
Makoto from East
Cos, my family is not rich. I saved all money by myself to study in the US and had no money to attend ESL program, so I babysat Canadian kids until I learned how to speak English. Having your opinions and assuming my background are different stories.
People have a freedom to say whatever they want to say, but I find it very sad to see some can't express their opinions with manners and they can't accept different opinions. They feel like they need to jump on someone to tear it down. It's easy to do that in cyberspace sitting in front of computer.
Anyway, I don't mind all negative comments, because that's what a blog or an article is for. I choose to do what I want or to write what I want to say no matter what the others say, because it's what I want to do. : )
-3
FernandoUchiyama
I am a big fan of Japan and I am also a western foreign who lived in the country for almost 4 years. Based on my own experience, I have to agree with the author of this article. My personal view is that Japan is really a homogeneous society.
The big difference between Japan and westerner countries is the freedom of speech and choices. While in the western you can be yourself, behave the way you want, in Japan you have to behave according to a kind of a old age people expectations. In the western the young are the center of attention. In Japan, the old rules.
In the western, people comes before everything, they are the most important thing. In Japan, following rules and being obedient is what matters.
In the western the young have the freedom to do anything what they want, because the society valorizes the idea that everyone must experience life by themselves. They are only supervised and observed by the old and they are free to argue against their own culture and behaviors. For example. They can do such askings: My father teached me to behave like this, but is it really right? Why things are like this? And in the long run, each person chooses his way of being and the society changes. The new generations are always refining it.
In Japan, the young are required to behave exactly the way the old age thinks it is correct. Any chance you will argue you are out. You don't need to learn by your own experience, you have to learn by the old age experience. It's too much risk to try things by yourself, according to the society. "Why you should risk yourself if I am telling you it is wrong?". Althought 60 years ago it helped Japan being united in the reconstruction of the country, this is not good for the nowaday Japan.
My way of seeing it is that not also the economy and technology have to develop, but also, society is important. And society will only develop, will only change and will only be better if the people are free to argue against or in favor about what exist today. The religion, the faith, the values, the philosophy, the beliefs, the motivation are all stagnant in the present Japan for many years, maybe many centuries. And this for sure doesnt help the country. The western changes everyday, Japan is stationary. A Steve Jobs, an Albert Einstein, will never born in a place like Japan. This kind of people need liberty.
But like as I said in the beginning, I am a big fan of Japan. While Iiving there, I have always been threated well by the people and it really helped in the foundation of my personal values. In some ways, I fit in the japanese rules, I was threated well and I appreciate it.
But, I really hope the future generation will see what the author of this article is trying to alert. I know it is difficult to see outside the cave being inside the cave, but my opinion is that it is essencial to Japan to modernize it's own culture to keep progressing. And the doors are open. It is very easy to the young that are abroad in the western, to go back to Japan and spread it.
I will leave a question for the japanese (not the foreign), to make it easy to understand. How would be the nowaday Japan if it never had made contact with the western? Still living on wood-made houses? Samurai fights? Castles? Maybe. Why the western is able to modernize itself and Japan is always stopped in time, trying to copy things? A strong society is the answer? Just think....
1
herefornow
Cleo -- complete nonsense and utter speculation on your part! One could ask how come you are so happy here? Is it because you hated where you were from so much? Or, say your husband had to leave your life in Tochigi to seek employment in say Osaka, or overseas, would you still be so happy? Or, (heaven forbid) if he divorced you? Why are you and others trying so hard to critisize her and tear her down because she has found happiness outside of Japan? One could speculate it is because she has gotten out of Japan, furthered her education, and now has a life with a bright future, and is not stuck in Japan going through the same life day-after-day and having meaningless, ritualized encounters with people, instead of actually engaging them in real conversation. "Can't say of course".
0
Elbuda Mexicano
Sorry mates, some of these comments are way too long! Makoto, I hope you are having fun in the USA, just forget about Nagasaki and have a great time.
1
cleo
Hmm yes, I think the clue is in the I wonder....
No, I didn't (don't) hate where I came from. I do not think I would like to live in Osaka, and I might quite like to live overseas depending on where it was, but who knows until you try... I know I'd rather be in Osaka (or anywhere else) with Mr cleo than in Tochigi (or anywhere else) without him.
Dunno why you think I'm trying to 'tear her down'. I said I was happy for her that she is happily married and that I think that that is probably a greater factor in her happiness than where she lives. I don't see that as tearing anybody down.
Indeed one could, if one thought it was impossible to further one's education, have a bright future, have meaningful encounters with people and engage them in real conversation while living in Japan. If by experience you know that these things are not impossible, then you might consider that there are other reasons contributing to her happiness, the most obvious being her marriage. Again, I'm glad that she's happy. I just don't think that her happiness is necessarily down to where she lives. She herself tells us that good things have been happening in her family life.
0
hatsoff
Maybe she was different because she was the only one who realized Japan is not the only country to have four seasons.
0
herefornow
Cleo -- wow, and awful lot of defensiveness on your part. And, of course, none of it responds to what I said about your speculation. I didn't ask if you wanted to live in Osaka, or overseas. I asked how happy you'd be in Tochigi if your HUSBAND was sent to one of those places, and left you behind. Like you speculated about Makoto. Or divorce (god forbid.) And, respectfully, we both know the odds of a young woman in Japan getting an advanced degree in business, establishing her own career, and, as a result, engaging in meaningful conversation/being taken seriously, are slim and none. And, maybe you should consider for a minute that maybe her **family **life is happy because she has had a chance to pursue her dream, and has an identity of her own, and not simply as someone's wife, like in Japan. Or have you been in Japan too long to consider that?
1
hatsoff
FernandoUchiyama - please don't fall into the trap of "Individualism all good; group thinking all bad". There's good and bad in both. You are no doubt aware of the tension between honne and tatemae, but at least it's designed to try to make things work smoothly in society. Like you, I cherish my individual freedom. Having said that, being here in Japan I don't miss the random violence that the extremes of such individualism blight our western cities with.
2
tmarie
I don't think Cleo is being defensive at all. She's just not buying everything the writer said hook, line and sinker like some others and is questioning where all this is coming from.
I took a look at her blog and had a bit of a chuckle when she posted about how she saw a foreigner in Japan and decided to speak to them, they became friends... Yet, she's made remarks to getting attention in foreign countries yet, gives the same attention to foreigner IN her own country. How can she not understand that perhaps she gets attention because she is a foreigner and it has nothing to do with Japan being Japan.
Fern, your post also made me chuckle. You've followed hook, line and sinker about everything you here about the conformity and whatnot. Perhaps if you stayed a little longer you would clearly see that Japan isn't so different from home with regards to many of your comments. Indeed there is a structure but "we" have them as well. Next you'll be tell us about how unique Japan is... Comparing them to living in caves?? Ouch.
0
The Munya Times
@Makoto
Now, that's another thing that doesn't make you different at all, as I read this kind of comment on this board at countless occasions.
You must have a good reason why you have brought your thoughts and story to the public, why you brought your story to readers who you don't even know. We don't know why and you don't know why we react this way, but once you or anybody exposes themselves to the public, they should count on some reaction. It is not tearing you down, it is a mirror for you.
As of cyberspace, this is a virtual board, nothing is real. Well, we are real persons behind the keyboard and we might have dialogs, but we don't know each others and don't know to whom we are talking to. A real dialog between us, in person, could be absolutely different. We don't know each others and comments carry on dialogs with comments. No reason for you to feel teared down.
I understand you would like believe you are different but being different doesn't mean you are better, just different.
Makoto, please realize that we are all different. Being different is not your privilege. Couldn't you be proud of something else? What you have achieved in your life is nothing special, thousands or millions of people do the same.
We are not Japanese, we have left our homeland and live here and learned Japanese, what's the big deal about it? Some people leave Japan to realize their goals that they can't do in Japan or to build a great personal career and some others comes to Japan and can do it here. That's how JT was born. I understand you didn't like to do what you had to do in Japan and like it better to do what you have to do in the U.S. but wherever you are you have to do what the given society expect you to do.
You see it's easy to understand and if you can't, then think different :-D
-4
dalberryjp
Why do people attack anything written in these forums with contradictory arguments and act like they know everything. I think her point is that that the majority in Japan have a very homogenous/xenophobic mindset and outcast anyone for the slightest of misdemeanors or mental/physical difference, I wonder if anyone is aware of the term 村八分 (translates to ostricism but has a slightly different practical meaning) and what it tells you about Japanese countryside mentality. It is hard being different here if you are not a foreigner and the message I got from the author is that she has broken free of the mental pressure that kind of society puts on you which is great. In western society we are often taught to be and praised for being special, here it is very different and I think more Japanese people would have happier and more fulfilling lives if they enjoyed being themselves more often (although moving to a different continent to find your place is a little extreme IMHO, but then again who ami to talk, i feel much more at home here than I ever did in England)
-1
Cos
Sorry for the assumption. I stand corrected.
I'm from a rude country. I have to go to the clinic to see if they can patch my DNA.
Well, this is not school, no worries. nobody is going to take your bento and empty it on your notebooks... Since the object of the article is "Makato from the East, her difference", it's hard to discuss without giving opinions about the person you are trying to sell us.
-3
Faceless1
I do like the title though. It reminds me of when I came to Japan, not really trying to be Japanese, but just trying to be a normal person living a normal life. Despite that, I got accused of being a playboy everywhere I went. So I figured, why should I strive to be straight-laced and "normal" if I get no appreciation for it? Might as well enjoy being what everyone perceives me as anyway. Since that is the way everyone sees me, I figured I could succeed by running with that image rather than fight it. I was right. No use fighting the wind.
0
tmarie
It is hard being different here if you are not a foreigner and the message
I think the point many of us are trying to make is that is it hard to be different anywhere when you are young, that bullying exists everywhere and when people get older, they are able to be who they are. Japan, the US, Germany... same everywhere you go. Japan isn't any different than other countries in this respect.
-1
dalberryjp
Fair enough. I and every Japanese person I've spoken with about this subject including those in the room must be imagining it all. It's a fact of life here and most can deal with it if they have friends who they can be themselves around. Others kill themselves. Anyway, I feel dirty debating about a life that isn't mine and haven't experienced, would be great if someone this really applies to could comment tho.......
0
ubikwit
@Al Stewart
thanks for responding with a bit on the countryside perspective, if it's fair to call shizuoka "countryside".
i think that there is perhaps a more highly attuned group dynamic in japan, which could be characterized by saying that many japanese simply feel comfortable in the group once they have been through the socialization process, and don't feel the need to assert themselves. that is not to say that they don't participate in discussions and whatnot, but that the point is maintaining an intelligibility in the group with respect to an issue at hand, and increasing mutual understanding, not trying to demonstrate some personal level of knowledge.
so in that scenario, the issue of confidence simply doesn't come up, as the group dynamic is what sort of defines the degree of importance of any particular individual's input at a given time.
and in that type of dynamic, someone trying to project confidence could simply be seen as being arrogant in so far as they are preoccupied with their own insular world, out of touch with the group dynamic and its unfolding, so to speak.
i don't have anything against confidence, in fact, i am an exceedingly confident person who has to actively work to keep that within the bounds of the group dynamic...
1
cleo
herefornow -
And I answered. Don't you read plain English? Tochigi without him? Nah, I would not be happy. (Then again, he would not leave me behind, nor be allowed to leave me behind, nor have any need to leave me behind....he's not in the forces).
Fern -
Erm, lots of us do still live in wooden houses, much safer than bricks and mortar when the earthquakes come....
tmarie -
True. And when we are young, don't we all think that we're different/unique? Maybe we should just say it's hard to be young. Then people grow up, find 'themselves' and happiness, and assume that their happiness is due to any changes they may have made along the way - changes do play a part of course, but it's not necessarily the changes we focus on that actually play the largest part.
3
Johannes Weber
Actually, we are all special in terms of personality and all plainly homogeneous, if we look at that boring patch of DNA, which is more than 99.9% the same for all of us. The thing that makes us special are our character quirks, our flaws, those things that are products of our life experience. The rest could be cloned in the lab (in a probably not too far future), thus it's pretty boring. Born to be different is not really true. Any child can become a fascinating or boring person, depending on those chances she is offered and on those she actually takes.
I have always been a bit odd as a kid and got my bullying and I am still somewhat odd (though without the bullying). And I like myself, with all my quirks. I am happy to be non-conformal. I actually stick out less in Japan for my character quirks, since I stick out as a foreigner. Makoto might share the same experience in North America.
The process of becoming an adult means accepting one's self and the constraints that life (or society) imposes on who we can be. At least where I come from. But I guess the principle is the same everywhere. Society is a bit of a straight jacket. You can loosen it a bit in your private space. If you're good at what you're doing, it is loosened even further. But in every subculture there are these constraints. Japanese society is a very tight straight jacket, but it can be loosened.
I guess that Makoto actually wasn't more odd than the other kids, but more stubborn in being different. She didn't want to give it up (for her own reasons) and her Japanese environment made these differences look much bigger and much "worse" than they actually were.
I think living in another culture is an eye-opener for most of us. You see your native culture with different eyes and things which were blurred become distinct and distinct things become blurred.
0
vladrin
To be frank, one thing I'm not catching up with the critiques of the article is on being different. Everyone is different. You can be the Otaku of a class, and be different this way. You don't have to be Einstein to be different. The author didn't claim that she's superior to others, or even better in any way, just different. And what bothered her that the setting in Japan is a little too much constrained to have people have it their way most of the time. Is that really problem? or too much to handle?
A western person (or one with western mentality) would note that the picture of the whole article is not much clear, or one can state that the text is structured in a way that doesn't give a very clear opinion. Well this is an issue with most of the Japanese people when they state their opinion (basically, part of the Japanese character). Don't want to be much judging, but if one criticizes a Japanese person for stating his/her opinion in this manner, it really makes me doubt how much one learns from communication with Japanese people.
There many who claim that there is no problem in being different in Japan. But really, how much of people who stated this opinion are a Japanese who finished a Japanese high school? So how do you claim that she should have not had these problems at high school.
Then there is the part concerning manners. I don't plan to try to educate anyone, but rudeness is no a part inherited from culture. Stating an opinion in a respectful manner should take 10% more time when writing a comment, but should make the one to whom the comment is addressed be much more comfortable with reading it, and maybe dealing with the fact. If one has no intention of putting that effort, then why should he/she think that his/her comments are worth reading?
0
Mahiru Shiratori
I agree with cleo that said, "It's people that make us happy, not places." Makoto found happiness in Connecticut. In my opinion, she found happiness there not because people in Connecticut accept different people. The people she met in Connecticut accepted her and liked her. If Julia Roberts the hooker from West Hollywood (Makoto calls it sub-society?) went to Connecticut, some people would accept her and some people wouldn't. That would depend on Julia Roberts' personality. And it's the same thing, if she came to a small town or a big city in Japan, it all depends on the people who she meets.
And I agree with tmarie that said "hard to be different anywhere when you are young". It's true (at least from my own experience) especially being a girl in high school whether you are in Japan or in the U.S.
FernandoUchiyama, I don't know what to say...but your story is a bit old? Maybe from non-Japanese point of view, Japan still looks that way, but I have never been taught to be same as everybody else. Not at school or parents or anybody. At least when I was in Japanese elementary school, there was a discussion class (called Gakkyu-kai) and there we were given one agenda and say different opinions, and tried to find the solution. Also there was a class called (Doutoku). I don't remember much, but I think we were learning more like "accept the difference" rather than "do just like other people do"
1
JapanGal
Sticking out is fun.
-1
NinjaDave
@japanGal; Isn't sticking out queer and upsetting?
0
Nicky Washida
I think sticking out is fun as an adult. For a child, it can be traumatic. Doesnt mean it should be discouraged though.
I always feel Japan is like my brother. I can say hes a twat. My cousins who know him (or in this case fellow gaijin) can say the same thing, but when anyone else criticises him I suddenly get extremely protective!
I agree many people leave their home countries and go follow their dreams elsewhere, and it is a laudable thing to do, although not so unusual these days. However, I do have to say that I particularly admire Japanese who do it, because I think this is a particularly difficult society to "break out of" and do something different to everyone else. Conformity is so strongly ecouraged and rewarded from such a young age here, that to be different shows great strength of character in my opinion. Some Japanese might consider it "selfishness" I guess?
It was easy for me to grab a backpack and travel with the full support of my family and friends. For my husband to have done the same thing was much harder. Luckily he was able to sell off his "white-chick fetish" to his parents as "English is going to be an important part of my future and I need to study it overseas". He had no idea just HOW important it was going to be...nya ha ha!
2
Christopher Blackwell
A lot of catty remarks agains the lady. I wonder why? I understand her completely.
We are pressured to become the person that someone else thinks we are supposed to be, by parents and family, by friends, by neighbors, and social class. In any group a person that has too many differences from the group is often going to be treated badly for not fitting in called strange and different, even antiocial. The problem is that imaginary person you are supposed to be may have nothing to do with who you actually are. So we have a great many people who think they are a failures because they can't become this imaginary person that does not fit their needs.
Now once we give up trying to be that imaginary person and start noticing who and what we are, we can create a life that fits us. We have a far greater chance of being happy, because we are no longer pretending to be something else.
It has nothing to do with being better, just being ourselves. In any given group I am going to be the outsider, no help for it as most of things important to the groups are not important to me. Once I accepted that and learned to enjoy being me and viewing society from the outside I became a much happier person. I no longer have to pretend, I just am what I happen to be. Much simpler.
2
tmarie
Fair enough. I and every Japanese person I've spoken with about this subject including those in the room must be imagining it all. It's a fact of life here and most can deal with it if they have friends who they can be themselves around. Others kill themselves.
I have no idea why you are being defensive. No one here has said that it isn't an issue in Japan, that bullying doesn't exist. We are saying that it happens EVERYWHERE and that Japan isn't this special little place like the reader tries to suggest it is. It is a fact of life pretty much everywhere that people are different but when they are young they don't necessarily have the confidence nor the outlet to be who they are. That comes later when they reach adulthood, meet like minded people... Others kill themselves in other countries too. You might want to look into "It gets better" that is being done in the US and other countries to help stop teenage suicides - mostly aimed at gay kids. Sad but Japan isn't the only one that shares the teenage suicide problem and teenage anguish.
A quick look at any movie Molly Ringwald did in the 80s or recently "Mean Girls" would be an indication of how the US isn't exactly bully free and the angst of teenage years.
1
tokyokawasaki
Way too much emphasis on what other people think... Live your life the way you want, and you'll naturally attract others with similar views and traits. Those that disapprove and gossip are probably envious deep down.
-3
KobeGrandad
tokyokawasaki; Correct. I live that way and some don't like it, but they are all misery guts and probably jealous as i am alive. I hope the author is too, you have to care not but also be decent to others, tehn you can reach for teh sky.
Kimi Ni Mune Kyun.
4
The Munya Times
Reading many of the posts, I think I would like to divide this issue into two. One, being different and another, having difficulties or being unwilling in adapting to the given society or group of people where one was born or lives.
Being reluctant, unwilling or finding the adaptation difficult doesn't necessarily mean that the given person is different and even being different doesn't mean it is a value . Depends on what the difference is..
Stating that someone is different would need to present something very different, better, outstanding. There are so many great people who did great things, or presented great essays other than writing about how different and unique they are by using and leaving their own societies with the blame.
J.K. Rowling for example was poor and didn't write about how different she was, instead she did something cool, something different. Now, that made her unique in a way and she didn't need to tell anybody how different she is.
Moreover, Makoto is even spicing up by stating that she was born to be different, suggesting that she is something genuinely or genetically big as she even illustrated in the photo by introducing herself as the biggest and nicest fruit among the others that cannot be forced in a pouch or lumped together with others.
What actually Makoto did that could prove she is like that?
For me she is nothing more than an attention-seeking woman, who is trying to find herself , draw sympathy and build some personal career either by blogging or as a columnist, but she starts it in a most obnoxious way, I mean which is the most obnoxious personally for me, promoting herself by asserting she is someone who was born to be different and unique.
It seems to me that all she wants is to be treated differently, to have better life, to be admired and be privileged.
I must agree with the other posters who don't buy this.
4
Chris Jacques
Why are you trying so hard to stand out, when you were born to fit in?
No really, people are born to be who they are, but to have a functional society, we have to work together and be fairly similar, at least in our work ethics, moral standards, etc.
I find most often the people who try so hard to stand out, are generally the most selfish, self-centered types, who really don't care to be part of a functional group and to help others, but rather want to feel special (because they aren't) so they act out, and really try just so hard to be different. Lady Gaga being the most recent, trendy "wannabe different but just a selfish jerk" example that comes to my mind
As opposed to people who are actually different, and the troubles they go through to fit in or to be accepted. i don't know how many times I've seen an attractive girl who is covered in tattoos and piercings in an attempt to "not be normal".
It's really tiring that people STILL act like being normal is a bad thing.
-4
Mike Walker
I think Makoto is slowly taking us on a journey that she herself is possibly one step ahead on.She is on an exciting trip of self discovery and often uses her past Japanese experiences to colour each milestone of her journey.Even her surname alludes to this-Rexrode-The Kings ride!!! Sorry Makoto. I like her articles and after reading so many student compositions and listening to speeches I feel some affinity with her style. She refers to things obliquely and sprinkles her writings with small gems that we have to locate and pick up in her narrative.We cannot see the whole picture as this is not her style. She is unlikely to indicate her whole resume to make things clear for us.She succeeds in giving us an impression and in many ways her writing in English is very much like a Japanese story that are often non linear,circuitous and avoid clear details, which Westerners often demand,egThe Tree of Life.Many of the comments demand this clarification of facts and reasons for various aspects of her life.I think her whole persona is one of attention grabbing and extrovertism.This is the only way to survive in the nomadic world she inhabits.Ive seen many children from forces families shrink into their own worlds after a life of continual change.Not investing any emotional energy into a relationship as they know it will soon be over.Others thrive by quickly making friends and contacts with full energy,possibly being percieved as weirdos,but not wanting to shrink away.I think Makoto is in this group.In her life she can take risks,experiment and try out new lifestyles,as she knows she will soon move on.Of course her blog will as well and this is why we can enjoy being carried along with her and waiting for her next article.Dickens would be proud of her along with her parents who have a bi cultural and bi lingual daughter.
0
Foxie
Why don't we all stop this nonsense of I am better than you and you are better than me. We all have red blood, we all get grey hair and we all eat the same proteins and vitamins at the end of the day. We are all earthlings! Respect each other!
1
gaijinfo
There's a term in anthropology (which I can't remember) but it deals with anthropologists who study other cultures and discover things that exist plainly in their home culture, but when they see them in other cultures, it's as if they are discovering them for the first time.
People are generally the same everywhere you go. It's what you bring with you that counts. People who come to Japan on holiday experience a totally different Japan than those that come to work. This goes with pretty much any other country.
Whatever you find in foreign country that is seemingly different than your own country is a reflection of your own personal biases and expectations more than anything else.
You only find what you look for. .
0
dolphingirl
It seems to me she is describing some of the basic steps in growing up and becoming your own person. In our teen years, we all feel like we are different. We try to stand out and be noticed while at the same time try to fit in. Then in our 20's we begin to realize who we are and what we want in life. We start breaking free from societal and parental expectations and attempt to find our place in this world. A place where we feel happy and fulfilled. Then in our 30's, we are beginning to feel truly confident and comfortable in our own skins and we are no longer concerned much about what other think of us.
For those young people in Japan, this process is likely more difficult due to the enormous pressures to conform and play specific roles in Japanese society.
3
Johannes Weber
@Mike Walker:
Sorry to disappoint you, but that is wrong. Rexrode is actually a German name. The "rode" means a "clearing" in a forest. That usage is not uncommon in many German names of families and places. Neither horses nor riding.
I didn't see them. Sorry. IMHO, it is just an opinion piece. It is not even a discussion, just an opinion. Which is completely ok, since we as well only exchange opinions.
Yes, of course. From the information she presents about herself, she is not a Jane Smith, but I do not find anything which makes her truly exceptional in a way that other people are not. Maybe in her next article?
I must admit, I wonder why some people make such a fuss about it. Go to Europe or North America. Large parts of the population are somewhat bicultural and being bilingual is not an exception. It doesn't even require higher education - just ask the Turks in Germany or the Hispanics in the US. Fluency in more than three languages is where I start being impressed. Fluency in two or three languages is in the scope of most adults who attended higher education (which are not rare enough to be called special).
6
USNinJapan2
Mrs. Rexrode is obviously educated, intelligent, and opinionated. What I find ironic is that despite having done so much to escape her native comformatist culture/environment by studying, working, and living abroad, she has married into the military, which by nature is an extremely conformatist culture/environment. Furthermore, a quick google search has led me to assume that her husband is the Commanding Officer of a nuclear submarine. Military spouses in general have to live a life of conformity to a certain degree, but a CO's spouse is expected to be the epitomy of a military spouse and often finds that a greater sacrifice of individuality is expected and required in successfully supporting their spouse's military career, not to mention having to conform to his/her operational schedule and frequent transfers. This is increaseingly true the higher up in rank you go. I gather from her blog that the author is a non-working stay-at-home mother (nothing wrong with that of course) which is exactly the norm for a ship's CO's wife. For someone who evidently greatly values her independence and individuality though, this seems to me a rather odd choice of vocations. This isn't a slight in any way on her marriage, but I also find it a little ironic that the author, who is from Nagasaki, is married to the skipper of a warship armed with nuclear weapons.
0
khsharpe
i joined JapanToday simply to comment on this piece. Or more accurately comment on many of the comments on this piece
dunno why, but from reading many of the comments found here - the words 'smug', 'carping', 'sanctimonious' amongst others come to mind. I especially liked the 2 immediately above (USNinJapan@ and sourpuss) ...
"this isn't a slight in any way on her marriage, but ..."
and "This is not an insult, merely ..."
... did i mention the words 'smug' and 'sanctimonious' ? Hmmm?
(laughing))))
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