JAPAN NEWS AND DISCUSSION
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1
Why do Japanese change their attitude when they communicate with foreigners?
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2
Confrontation
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3
U.S. Navy investigating how parts fell off aircraft near Atsugi
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4
California court to decide if SeaWorld whales are illegal 'slaves'
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5
Kuroki reported pregnant 2 weeks after denying relationship with Akanishi
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- Assistant Language Teacher (ALT) in Kanto region
- RCS (RCSコーポレーション), Kanto
- Salary: ¥180,000 ~ ¥250,000 / Month includes performance bonus
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- Assistant Language Teacher - TOKYO - late-March start
- Interac, Tokyo
- Salary: ¥230,000 ~ ¥255,000 / Month
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- Assistant Language Teacher - Kanagawa Prefecture - late-March start
- Interac, Kanagawa
- Salary: ¥230,000 ~ ¥255,000 / Month
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Betzee
Orchid64,
I don't think Western women with Asian men are comparable in many ways to Asian women with Western men. First of all, there are a lot more of the latter "on the prowl" as you put it. Many no doubt have little difficulty finding female companionship. They don't have to learn much of the local language, and one thing I've come to appreciate, though I'm not sure exactly why, is that most bi-cultural couples converse in the male's native tongue.
By contrast, the number of single Western females in Asia is far smaller. I can understand why Ms. Weinberg advertises herself as "petite." That would not rule out physical attraction for a Japanese man. Taller women are going to find few Japanese men who can match them in height, unless you want to head up to Manchukuo and try your luck with the natives.
Plus, women are going to have to learn some of the language, at least enough hold their own at the dinner table when his family invites you over. So the type of Western woman who gets involved with an Asian male is probably better educated and was drawn to the man for reasons beyond simply lust.
There are some advantages as well. Western women with Asian men do not elicit a nationalistic response. The locals are often curious but genial: "Does she understand what we're saying?" "Well, if if flattering to her, yes. Otherwise, no." The truth was, I was much more interested in anything negative anyone had to say. But it was always the same, "Very tall."
I'm afraid one of the reasons for the high divorce rate is there's little to keep these marriages together when the couple hits a rough spot. The families probably say, "Told you so." Whereas there's societal support for keeping families together when people choose marriage partners from within their own, particularly when there are young children involved.
Now in cultures where it's acceptable to fool around, it may be people are less choosy when settling on a partner for life. But from my perspective, most people I Know are so happy when they've forged a connection with another person that infidelity doesn't really enter into it. That lifestyle of serial philandry is totally alien to me, and I intend for it to remain so!
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
Uzbek is now a language offered to those training for jobs in intelligence so I'm not surprised to read this. Yet Karimov has a terrible human rights record so it's a little awkward to form an alliance with his regime to spread freedom elsewhere. On the other hand, if we don't snap him up the Chinese and Russians will, and not just for strategic reasons, he's sittin' on a ton of natural gas.
Posted in: U.S. considering Uzbekistan as backup base
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Betzee
I think men tend to prioritize looks, in part because having a good looking female partner confers status from other men. Women, by contrast, tend to want someone on his way up in the world because he will garner respect from other women. In your 20s it may not be obvious that looks fade and people lose their jobs.
When I studied in Taiwan I do recall tons of Western guys with Taiwanese girlfriends who were physically more attractive than the men who had definitely traded up in the looks department. Yet many of these couples had major communication problems and the women typically had expectations the men would not be able to meet, leading to a lifetime of resentment percolating below the surface. No thanks to that....
As for likeitis's assertion "An extra-marital affair must have rules and boundaries set from the start" I don't think this is possible which is perhaps why such liasons have the potential to turn volatile.
People arrange their lives within societal norms. Precisely because an extra-marital affair is not sanctioned by society there are no norms to guide it. Moreover, matters of the heart are not subject to arbitrary rules.
People fall in and out of love but all too rarely in sync, and this is the source of much heartache.
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
Puffin, you're such a sweetheart!
Buses may be a better bet for the handicapped. Many a time riding the CTA in Chicago I observed those on the front bench, which is designated handicapped, had to move so someone's wheelchair could be secured after the driver had extended an electric arm to enable them to board.
Posted in: Tokyo Metro
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Betzee
For a woman to buy into this type of benign paternalism is extremely unwise. While the a married man may genuinely care about you, he cannot be there for you. One of the joys of partnership comes from the security of knowing the one person will be there for you.
Plus, the break-up tends to be curt because it wasn't like a real relationship and ya knew that, right? If the married man initiates it, the woman may stalk him or members of his family. (Who cam forget Fatal Attraction.)
If the woman initiates it, the man likely needs you in his life to make some sort of intolerable home-life bearable. And once he's got you he's unwilling to let you go without a scene. The era of the long-term mistress is over, most woman are sucked in after they've been knocked down. But we all inevitably get up and move on....
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
There are other reasons for that. I can remember Japanese tourists in LA surprised to discover "Made in Japan" goods were cheaper in America than in Japan where the distribution system is not as efficient and the government piled out taxes for a long time to depress consumption and steer capital toward investment.
Where we could learn a thing or two from the Japanese, as well as the Chinese, is their significantly higher rates of personal saving. Americans' lack of savings forces Uncle Sam to borrow overseas when Washington runs deficits.
Posted in: What do you think about the 'Buy American' provision in the economic stimulus bill being debated in the U.S. Congress?
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Betzee
The Chinese are certainly going to be under the gun for currency manipulation. It's clear they've been doing that. The value of the RMB should rise relative to the dollar given our trade balance. So Beijing buy massive amounts of dollars to depress the value of their currency and point out, "Well, if Uncle Sam didn't run massive deficits you wouldn't need to sell us the dollars?"
That can get into a "he said, she said" finger pointing exchange. And it won't bring manufacturing back to the USA. If the jobs leave China because the RMB appreciates, they will go to a less-developed country.
Posted in: What do you think about the 'Buy American' provision in the economic stimulus bill being debated in the U.S. Congress?
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Betzee
It may also violate WTO rules, though I'm not certain of this. Every country erecting protectionist barriers to avoid losing domestic jobs is a recipe for global economic stagnation.
Posted in: What do you think about the 'Buy American' provision in the economic stimulus bill being debated in the U.S. Congress?
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Betzee
That's a shame-based culture for ya. I guess we should count our blessings some still have a sense of shame!
Posted in: Tokyo Metro
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Betzee
That would sure be a heck of a lot easier if those who've already mated weren't crowding the field. I guess that was Ms. Weinberg's point. I doubt she will find him going about it online; but she may be able to write up her encounters as a cross-cultural romance comedy and make some money. "Money can't buy me love," but it can sure get ya a whole lot of other things.
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
Since the kanji character on the left means "home" it's safe to assume this is a faithful translation from Japanese to English. It sure doesn't mean anything to me. I would assume it was perhaps referring to eating, but more probably to making out. Yet that is usually undertaken standing up in a packed car where the crowd provides cover.
I have always offered my seat to the elderly, infirm, a pregnant woman or anyone carrying a baby. In Asia people rarely extent such courtesies to strangers, however. So when I am seen doing this it usually shames a local into giving up his/her seat to the person needing it while I, as a foreigner, am directed to sit back down. These are distinct hierarchies of privilege; one a person requiring a seat for physical reasons and the other a visitor who should be given every comfort in order to gain a favorable impression of the place. The upshot is, I can make the gesture without suffering any discomfort. And I hate standing!!!!
Posted in: Tokyo Metro
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Betzee
I will say I appreciate your total honesty, likeitis, as opposed to the self-serving justifications of some other posters. Yet you conceded misrepresentation is usually part of the game initially, and it can be justified on the grounds, well, "men are like this." But women aren't. Perhaps that's why airrunwesker nipped in the bud his own wife's efforts to replicate his online antics. kirakira, tmarie....
I do and life would have been a lot duller without it. I especially enjoy watching my Dad squirm when I am identified by other men as his girlfriend rather than his daughter. He's kind of a square guy so I know some of those types exist.
Anyway, all of this reminds me of the exchange Thelma and Louise are having in the car as they, unbeknownst to them, drive away from the lives they know into the unknown. Thelma is asking Louise why she just doesn't dump the boyfriend who can't commit and Louise shoots back "why don't you ditch that no-good husband of yours?" She then reflects, "You get what you settle for." Hmmm, true.
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
This view of life reminded me of a childhood experience when I stumbled across a guy groping his girlfriend in a park. Both were clearly enjoying themselves and there was no embarrassment when they noticed a little girl with big blue eyes starring up at them. The guy simply looked down at me and said, “Hey, if it feels good do it, right?” I wandered on, feeling I had learned something about the adult world.
They were young, unencumbered by responsibility and only faced the prospect of a public indecency charge if it went further. But the situation of posters here is different. Hakujinsensei has claimed in other posts that his wife is on maternity leave and he’s the father of five. Yet he has time for online dating. But, hey, he doesn’t complain if it doesn’t work out. Now, who prey tell would he complain to? His mother? His wife and kiddies? Perhaps if he spent more time nurturing those relationships he wouldn't need to seek online companionship.
Huh? I would reevaluate any personal situation where I lacked "the right" to bring up any topic. I'm a little surprised at you here likeitis....
In fact this is precisely the question a woman pursuing an affair with a married man needs to ask. He most likely won’t be available when the chips are down for her. His family, not just wife and kids but elderly parents and even in-laws, have first dibs on his services in that regard. Your problems are likely to elicit, "What's a pretty girl doing all alone in this situation?" from passersby.
You did identify a problem here that Anne seems blissfully unaware of, namely that by a certain age everyone “on the market” has accumulated a bit of baggage, some a few steamer trunks worth. (Someone with no experience with the opposite sex might need the sturdiest porter of all.)
But attachments are different from baggage, a distinction which you fudged. So I’m puzzled as to why you interfered with your disabled spouse’s efforts to “find a friend” in Singapore? Who were you protecting? According to your logic, there is no victim here since the unsuspecting girl should have been cognizant of the possibility her virtual suitor was engaging in misrepresentation. Not to mention, your wife is entitled to get her jollies anyway she can.
Anne, despite her obvious naivete, got one thing right: Live and learn.
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
To do that, sometimes you really need to bow out of the picture. The relief you feel after it's over and no more subterfuge is necessary will get you on your feet and out into society, meeting new people who didn't know you during "the involvement," the word I use instead of "relationship" when one, or possibly both parties, are married.
I don't fall easily for men, but I fall fast and it's important to know when it's time to pick yourself up and move on.
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
If it was only a line, it would have been funny. Incredulously, it was in fact true. The wife lived with another woman and the husband pursued his pleasures in the house her father's money had bought them. She'd realized he, as a clueless gaijin, was suitable for her and he probably liked living the high life. Their son was a honeymoon baby and thereafter they had simply acted as a couple when decorum required it. Yep, my friend sure knew had to pick 'em. I doubt she would remember his name today, but at the time life wasn't worth living it they couldn't be together.
You'll reach out for someone in your family.
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
A lot of people think going overseas is a chance to start fresh. In fact in most cases you end up replicating the types of relationships you had with your own compatriots. If high drama is your thing; well there's plenty of that to go around everywhere.
I remember some relief when a friend left for Japan to do research. My shoulder was kinda cried out. But pretty quickly the calls started comin'. She had met a foreign national man who was married to a wealthy Japanese lesbian with whom he shared a child. The marriage was a sham, there was no pretense of fidelity. She wanted him to leave his wife and live with her. But for him it would have meant giving up a materially comfortable existence and starting a career in a country he'd never been in, where the licensing requirements for his profession were different. And of course it would have meant giving up his son. Tough choices and he wasn't gonna make 'em.
In such a situation the appropriate response is, "I like you, but I don't want to get sucked into the situation you've created for yourself. When you are in a position to offer a public partnership, give me a call. But no more sneaking around to avoid social censure which disproportionately falls on the woman."
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
You're right. I had someone pull this on me in a professional setting. "Call me at home to remind me." Know what? I don't make calls like that.
I'm sure men have many interesting stories to tell too!
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
If you are a Western woman alone in a foreign land, you're already somewhat of an anomaly. I can remember getting into a taxi in Mexico City and the driver immediately asked me something in Spanish. I replied "No comprendo" and then he preceded to wrap one finger around the ring finger and I knew what he was asking: "Are you married?" I don't think his intention was to ascertain my availability for a date but simply to understand a different culture. What's a woman like you doing alone here....
Some men who approach you have stereotypes about loose Western women and see you as an opportunity for a no strings hook-up. But others may be more individualistic than their own culture allows and see friendship with a Western woman who won't judge them harshly in that regard as very desirable. Those are the guys worth getting to know....
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
I'm sooo glad you like my humor, likeitis. I used to enjoy writing comedy!
Once you've established a connection, yes, you can risk rejection by laying it on the line and circumstances will certainly force your hand. At that point, however, my advice is to listen very carefully to what you are being told. It's usually a speel about duty, which is a good public rationale. The private reasons may be different, however. The financial ramifications of divorce almost guarantees a lower standing of living for everyone. Or there's the fear the grass may not be all that greener on the other side of the fence. So why go through all the hassle? At this point, it's time to say adios. Initial misrepresentations have turned into secondary deceptions to justify the first. Do you really want to stick around for the next iteration?
That isn't to say I don't have my own fears too. Remaining single guarantees I'll never turn into a nag. But there's plenty of men who aren't looking for someone to organize their lives. I'm afraid Anne may have discovered that's what these Japanese men already had and they wanted the excitement of an affair to complement it.
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy
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Betzee
Ironically, this woman would have better luck in China where her direct approach might mesh with that of some Chinese men. I can recall being asked by a male classmate whom I barely knew if I was interested in being his girlfriend. He was a true gentleman, giving me 48 hours to think it over. And I assured him I didn't need the time to make such a weighty decision, he could "take me now!"
While dating colleagues poses all sorts of challenges and management usually frowns on it, surely she can meet men through work and get to know them over a period of time. I don't really decide a guy is attractive until after I get to know him.
Posted in: Dating in Tokyo is pretty easy—if you’re not looking for a single guy