4 ways people break up in Japan

I'm "ghosting" this article.....

Funniest time...pulling someone's ankles as they held onto the room. What does this have to do with Japan?

Breaking up at train stations ( or not)？

These mini dramas will often occur around the time of the last train. Not so much a breakup but a choice.

After a fairly brief dating period and the guy is trying to get into her pants; he'll try the last train or 'hotel' ploy.

This will involve trying to cajole the girl to a hotel. After dinner and drinks and the girl is tired the game turns to a psychological game of 'me' or go home. Notice that the girls are usually either tearful or quite angry looking in these public emotional displays. This is because they are being forced to make a choice that is being forced upon them. To some extent, the excuse of work, being busy and the last train are all used for avoidance purposes.

And the 'last train' is such an excuse used by females not seeking entanglement.

Arriving at the station, some time before the train's departure, the girl can finally choose her fate.Use the train to split from the guy, leading to a resultant breakup or be persuaded to extend her time with the boy. However, the first time the girl meets this scenario;there are often outbursts of tears, prolonged gazing and flustered looks. Here, the girl is inexperienced and this is why we never see people in their latter years exhibiting signs of 'station breakup', They know the game already.......

On the bright side, if you’ve ever been broken up with because of parental interference, count yourself lucky. Why would you want to be with someone who can’t stand up for themselves and their partner?

I don't really think it's a matter of not standing up for themselves and their partner, it's just a difference in cultures. In Japan, a marriage isn't a merger of two people, it's a merger of two families. Expecting someone to cast off their family for you is somewhat selfish, though of course so are the parents selfish in expecting their child to cast off their partner. But often parents are more pragmatic, whereas the child may be more in love.

I once almost married a girl, but her parents didn't approve of me (I was young and poor, without many prospects at the time). It was devastating, but on the other hand, I didn't want to start a marriage with this girl by taking her away from her family, who were extremely important to her. In the end, I didn't force her to choose, I left.

StrangerlandSEP. 27, 2016 - 08:25AM JST I don't really think it's a matter of not standing up for themselves and their partner, it's just a difference in cultures. In Japan, a marriage isn't a merger of two people, it's a merger of two families. Expecting someone to cast off their family for you is somewhat selfish, though of course so are the parents selfish in expecting their child to cast off their partner. But often parents are more pragmatic, whereas the child may be more in love.

Except that this is exactly what happens in many marriages with the wife's family typically the one that becomes estranged. She's expected to look after his folks in their decline while hers may have to fend for themselves if she has no siblings. The situation becomes all the more pronounced if the couple is not from the same town or even prefecture. Furthermore, in-laws typically have next to nothing to do with one another regardless of the circumstances. The idea that a Japanese marriage is a union of families hasn't been true for decades.

Except that this is exactly what happens in many marriages with the wife's family typically the one that becomes estranged. She's expected to look after his folks in their decline while hers may have to fend for themselves if she has no siblings.

It's been that way forever in Japan. The wife is the お嫁さん, which come from 嫁ぐ, which is to 'marry into', with the implication that she goes to the other family.

Furthermore, in-laws typically have next to nothing to do with one another regardless of the circumstances.

I can't speak for others, but in my own family, my wife has a sister. Both the sister's husband's parents are very traditional, as are my wife's. We always go to my wife's sister's home for new years eve and obon, with my wife's parents. They live in the countryside, so I'm not there regularly, but I know my mother-in-law goes to the other parent's home regularly, bringing them things, and vice-versa. The families are very tied together. So I can't agree with this statement:

The idea that a Japanese marriage is a union of families hasn't been true for decades.

Maybe it's not in the city, but in the countryside it seems to be alive and well.

"Ghosting" seems legitimate to me, if it ends up in a situation like that in the first place then I doubt you'd really be a good match in the long term anyway

Anyone not breaking up face to face is a goddam coward.

. In Japan, a marriage isn't a merger of two people, it's a merger of two families.

I have no idea of what century you think you are living in but while some elites may think this way, it is NOT the way for everyone. Times have changed quite a bit, no need to keep living in the past.

I have no idea of what century you think you are living in but while some elites may think this way, it is NOT the way for everyone. Times have changed quite a bit, no need to keep living in the past.

I never claimed it was the way for everyone, but to think it's from a previous century is also incorrect.

I tried to find some actual numbers, and could not. But I did find these two threads:

http://detail.chiebukuro.yahoo.co.jp/qa/question_detail/q1289819917

http://detail.chiebukuro.yahoo.co.jp/qa/question_detail/q1268861282

As you can see, it's a discussion that even Japanese people have, and most of the comments in these threads mentions that marriages are an issue of two families to some degree.

And in my own personal experience that's what most Japanese people seem to talk about as well.

Pretty general, and there is a lot more than what's written, but I think some is legit. The "ghosting" thing is. I have a number of ex girlfriends whom things ended amicably enough with, but who have blocked me on all social media and then some. When they say goodbye, the really really mean it, evidently, whereas I think in the West unless there is reason to stay away (i.e. Danger and/or one person vacant get over it) it's generally okay if people keep in touch in some form, or at least don't ignore each other. Hell, I've even had friends who, when they got a life-long job or got married, literally ditched all their friends, too. I met one by chance the other day who hadn't answered calls in years, and who was home visiting family. When he saw me on the train he tried to pretend he did not, but I decided to say hi. He acted embarrassed and said he'd been busy, but it was clearly an act. I just said I hope he's well, but added, "I have zero respect for you and how you treat people, and at some point it will come back to you." THEN he looked genuinely embarrassed. I don't wish him I'll, really, but it's a good example of how casually some people will throw others away without a second thought.

I usually tell myself that I'm better off without these people, and probably am, but it still just doesn't make sense to me to completely reject and ignore someone who has contributed to who it is you are, good or bad.

"The idea that a Japanese marriage is a union of families hasn't been true for decades."

That's what I thought until I got married.

What we can say is that when there's a divorce, there's usually a complete break with the families. People I know don't even say hi to their ex-inlaws in the street. And grandparents often never see their grandchildren again.

As for singles. Sometimes if you break up with a Japanese girl, you'll virtually have to change your number, your locks and maybe your apartment.

I like the station breakup thing. Lots of intense late night conversations can be seen that look like you're watching a drama.

“I had a girl break up with me because of her job. One month into the relationship, she started acting weird: less affectionate, distant, stuff like that. Then she sent me a message on Line saying she couldn’t be with me because she was busy at work. Plus her mother didn’t like me.” — Kai

My first Japanese girlfriend did that to me.

In Japan, ghosting is completely acceptable and most people would not want to remain on friendly terms with an ex. Ghosting is a way to steer clear of an unpleasant confrontation by literally ignoring the person altogether. You basically just stop talking to them. In theory, the jilted will simply come to the conclusion they “naturally” drifted apart.

And my second did that to me.

@gaijinpapa

What we can say is that when there's a divorce, there's usually a complete break with the families.

That is probably the strangest thing about ours... I am still friends with my ex's oldest sister (who is now in an "old peoples' home"). When my mother died, my ex did have the decency to commiserate (by letter) with me and even sent me some money (to "Gaikoku") to buy flowers for her funeral. We had been legally divorced for just over a year.

The ghosting thing I really don't like. My ex and I had been friends since 2011 and then suddenly this winter all contact was cut off. Nothing... no replies to emails or LINE. No idea why... it's like a switch was suddenly flicked. I had a brief complaint from her when I asked if she was okay after that earthquake false alarm a little while back... basically why was I being so stupid.

Funny how people can change like that...

The first time I got ghosted by a Japanese woman I really could not understand it and kept pestering her for an explanation which of course never came. To this day I have no clue why she suddenly shut me down and none of my other Japanese acquaintances (I no longer call any of them friends as they will drop you in a heartbeat if you no longer have value to them) could enlighten me. I think it is just the way they are. A relationship of any kind is simply a transaction. They get something from you, often free English lessons and you get something from them, to learn their culture and how to do things or get stuff in their country but if they find someone better or have exhausted everything they can get from you – puff, and just like the fairy godmother, they vanish from your life with the stealth of a ninja.

Ghosting can easily be explained by what my ex-girlfriend said to me in English, "I have a new life." When I asked a Japanese friend what it meant, he said, "Her new life doesn't include you, basically." The next time I saw her she pretended I didn't exist and, since she was walking with a male (possibly boyfriend/husband), I pretended not to see her either. I got my new life, too.

borscht, that makes sense of my most recent ex - her son graduated high school and went to uni around the same time as I was shut out. I hadn't thought of the 'new life' aspect. Yes, that makes sense.

There you go, JT, solving relationship mysteries.

Ghosting is a typical manner many Japanese use when confronted with problems, not just with breakups either.

It seems they are really good at exploiting and discarding things (and living people with feelings) to their benefit. they don't want to get their hands dirty nor do they ever want to take responsibility for anything. its like doing something without taking or giving any karma points, in away. very cheap (ZURUI) I had an experience recently were she tried to get me angry or feel bad in order for me to be the one to break up with her and call it off, but i smelled it coming a mile away since I am aware of their culture and tricks. I think there is a time when they should just accept responsibility and be accountable for being wrong.

It seems they are really good at exploiting and discarding things (and living people with feelings) to their benefit. they don't want to get their hands dirty nor do they ever want to take responsibility for anything.

I sincerely hope you do not think this is something reserved only for Japanese. These "traits" you talk about here could be used to describe people from just about anywhere in the world.

Anyone who thinks this is "just" Japanese has their heads in the sand.

Existence is nothing but about external matter. Once we know that all these things (pain and pleasure) become nothing but substance (Shadow) like life itself. Let us not give into pathetic this cultural lunacy. One day we all HAVE TO GO (DIE). Let us try share humanity with or without Japanese or any other ways of hurting other person FOR this or that...

^^^^ So you mean she stalked you!?

Ghosting is a bit startling at first, but darned if it doesn't become mighty convenient later.

Ive had a few Japanese lady pen pals over the years, and thing have gone smoothly until one day emails stop, or tapper off in frequency, they you get an new email address from Xxx san with a no reply address, what I find annoying is 1 the lack of tolerance or 2 the lack of an explanation as to what I've said or done wrong. if some one said look, I dint like the way you suggested XXX or you should have not said that because here in japan its classed as rude or offensive, then next time I can avoid that. when you get cut off like this I find it god dam rude!

I am a ghost to my ex wife of twenty years, this explains a lot of what happened before. It's really messed up, but I had heard that this was, pathetically, " Normal "...what a way to live.

first thing I realised when dating J women was, YES means yes or maybe , and MAYBE means no, you very rarely ever get an outright NO.

first thing I realised when dating J women was, YES means yes or maybe , and MAYBE means no, you very rarely ever get an outright NO.

Unless you're having sex with them, in which case no (well, だめ) usually means yes.

I can't tell you how many times I stopped because they said だめ to me, which then confused them as to why I was stopping.

Roundabout break ups are foolish. I'd take a straight text/phone/face to face break up any time... Break ups should be taken off hard and fast... like a band aid!

I’ll add one more, the beginning of a new year, April. You can feel the “new life” in new workers and new uniforms in spring. Sometimes the seasons play a factor in ushering out the old and welcoming in the new. If you can make it to Golden Week you should be okay at least until the end of summer.

We all try to find a reason why the change in heart occurred:

What did I do wrong? Did I say something offensive? Does your father not like me? Was it a misunderstanding? Have you found someone else? Whatever you saw in my apartment belonged to my ex and I just haven’t thrown it away...I’m not seeing anyone else but you. Is this why?

Sometimes there is just no reason and it’s best not to waste your time trying to reflect on every possible mistake you could have made when you’ll never even know if that had anything to do with it at all.

I met this japanese guy in Tokyo. He is currently living in Sydney and visited his family over new years. I was in Tokyo for language school and we matched on Tinder.

We saw each other four days in a row, then he had to go back to Australia. While traveling he sent me a song "Lost in Japan" by Shawn Mendes and said he wants to visit me in Germany and stuff. We got along extremely well and I thought that we would stay in contact, since we both seemed to be interested in the others persons character.

After a few days I messaged him and never got a reply. I thought something happend to him and tried to reach him. I even offered him to kick me on Tinder without a word - this way I would at least have know that he was well. The only thing I wanted to know if he was ok. No reaction to that.

After weeks I found out that he hardcore ghosted me and even blocked me on Whatsapp. (But he couldnt kick me on Tinder...schizophrenic?)

Now I couldn´t care less if he is doing well. He can rot in hell.

When you are dealing with Japanese, you must remember that it can have catastrophic health effects, impacting your entire body and causing a range of health problems. You are face to face with: "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" all combine in one cup.

I was ghosted after 20years of marriage -I could go on without her, but what about the children? Why involve the children in this? There is no excuse for it. Had I disappeared with the children, it would had been concedered kidnapping. But a Japanese woman can do it and is OK?

When dealing with Japanese, you must not lose track that it can have catastrophic health effects, impacting your entire body and causing a range of health problems. You will be dealing with: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly all in one cup.

I was ghosted after 20 years of marriage. I could go on without her; but, why inolve the children?

Had I disappeared with the children, it would have been kidnapping. But any Japanese woman coan do that and it is ok?

When dealing with Japanese, you must not lose track that it can have catastrophic health effects, impacting your entire body and causing a range of health problems. You will be dealing with: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly all in one bottle.

I was ghosted after 20 years of marriage. I could go on without her; but, why inolve the children?

Had I disappeared with the children, it would have been kidnapping. But any Japanese woman can do that and it is ok?